Life of Blog

Crush of the Week

(not this kind of crush)

sports fans, has this ever happened to you? you meet a terrific guy - let's call him steve. he's cute, funny, and drives a cool car, so you get all excited about your new boyfriend prospects. then you meet his friends - let's call them brandon and dylan. and you smack yourself on the head because by committing too early to steve, you missed your chance with his much hotter friends.

i'm sure this could serve as an analogy for phantasy football (like maybe picking a kicker too early in the draft) but since our draft was automatically done by yahoo (the equivalent of having your parents pick your prom date) i'll let it slide.

the point is, leagueofourown has been scoping out larry from thisiswhatwedonow for positively months. (though the nerve to comment has yet to materialize.) well, larry recently referenced dan over at dailydump which intrigued leagueofourown. upon further investigation, a new love was born. (sorry, larry.) the worst part is, dailydump is no longer posting!

leagueofourown hates conforming to female stereotypes (unless they're postive ones regarding her hot-blooded latina passion*) but she wants what she can't have!!

oh, unrequited blog love....

check out: http://thedailydump.blogspot.com, if you can tear yourself away from phatasy footballing....

-la commish, who believes to this day that emily valentine got shafted by scriptwriters


*with the exception of those voiced by loco politico arnold schwarzenegger, in which case they sound gross and totally inappropriate.

Hard Day's Night

during the day, you drink your coffee, work hard, punch in and punch out.

at night, it’s not so simple. in la commish’s case, a late night phone call from the west coast, land of the cultivated game, prompts her to open an ill-advised bottle of white at 3:30 in the morning and light a much deserved cigarette. (ill-advised solely b/c the quality of the wine is in her professional opinion questionable, nothing to do with the big work deadline she has to deal with the next day as 5am approaches, large and awake.)

in the case of texas, the night perhaps didn’t lead to talk of love of philosophy but to the lack of it. and tasks for which one feels unprepared for loom larger than they should. maybe one pill accidentally turns to a couple dozen. as one person publicly suicides (whether by accident or by design) another questions why.

my intent in writing this blog was to learn a little football, have a little fun, and maybe score a couple of hotties along the way. but in the face of tragedy (which something like this is, no matter how “accidental” it turns out to be spun), perhaps there’s an element of guilt in my thoughts tonight.

just like in a way we are all a bit responsible for the horrendous state of the union today, we collectively pick our idols (or let them be chosen for us.)

maybe t.o. is nothing more than a man, standing in front of a crowd, asking us to love him. in effect i, as a fan, put him there. So now i have no choice (no responsible choice) but to respectfully let him do his thing.

la commish (who if you haven’t noticed by now is enamored by words) adores the following quote as a testament to all that is good about life and love: ”that love is reverence, and worship, and glory, and the upward glance.” up until now, i’ve been lucky not to ever have met its flipside:

“if you’re trouble then I’l follow you down…”

Respectfully.


-La, commish, silently drinking a toast of good fortune to terrell the man (though she’ll trade t.o. the phantasy football player asap as soon as she figures out how!)

Are You There, Commissioner-in-the-Sky? It's Me, Lydia:

dear gods of football:

my oldest, dearest, most bestest friend has an uncle (a cool uncle of whom i have always spoken highly of in addition to his lovely family) with... (wait for it) colts season tickets!! jesting (desperately wanting) i mentioned how lovely it would be to see a colts game this season at the hoosier dome.

i just spoke with my bestie and.... it could happen.

are you sitting down, dear phreaders?

la commish might, just might, see peyton in all his glory.

let it be thus.



-otherwise known as la commish, the great


[editor's note: la commish acknowledges that her male phreadership probably overlooked this evening's literary references, but this is after all a FEMALE-ONLY phantasy football blog, where boys are thought of as not much more than fourth grade nothings....]

How do You Solve A Problem Like T.O?

-

so now, it's NOT a suicide attempt. how silly of his fans to worry so, especially after a 911 call and hospital visit. (http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/news/story?id=2604395)

-

his dallas cowboys coach, bill parcells, is obviously unthrilled, and walked out early during a press conference where he was primarily grilled over the t.o. situation.

-

la commish invites comments and phreader opinions, as she is not ready to pass judgement on this situation just yet, but gleefully awaits hearing from those who have.

-

-la commish, who like mary j. blige, must insist on "no more pain/no more games/no drama/no more drama in my life"

Oh, T.O, Say it Isn't So!

this just in: la commish just received word of a T.O. SUICIDE ATTEMPT!!??

oh the catholic guilt!! t.o. must have somehow found out that la commish was planning on trading him today.

la commish wants to cry.... especially because this is the ONE day this fall that she must get work done at her job, instead of blogging all day and getting paid by the man.

keep checking back for late-breaking updates...

in the meantime, http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/0927061owens1.html


-la commish, who sometimes wants to kill her players for not producing but who would never actually want them to kill themselves

[thanks to !steve holt! assistant coach for keeping his head coach informed and staying on top of her. that is, things. staying on top of things.]

Fumbling Towards Ecstasy:
Lessons in Love and Football

Words that Begin with the Letter C

while unpacking this weekend, la commish came across one of her all-time favorite quotes, culled from the innocent tarriances with literature of her youth:

"in the heart of a woman for whom no place is home, the thought of an end to all flight is unbearable." (milan kundera, the unbearable lightness of being)

time and experience have shown la commish that, alas, there are other, equally unbearable things to despise in this world. (for example, evil #12.) but there is one thing that la commish has grown to despise above most things. so much so, that she can barely even say the word. utter it in her presence and watch her cringe as if nails were being dragged down a chalkboard. those close to la commish recognize that the mere mention of this word acts as her personal kryptonite. unable to even type it, la commish offers it instead in football terms by way of sesame street:

COLTS + HUDDLE = YUCK

of late, however, yours truly has succumbed to peer pressure and engaged in some of this above-mentioned behavior. which she grudgingly admits, is not as deviant as she has always believed it be. the fact that she did not explode and/or die from participating in the activity in question stands as a testament to its occasional non-yuckiness. which got la commish thinking... if her personal kryptonite turned out to be kinda cool, what other things anathema to her universe might not be so bad?

la commish decided to once and for all delve into the imponderable mysteries of the x's and o's.[official note from leagueofourown: always use protection when pondering the x's and o's.] so she bought herself a book which explained the rules to football, flipped through it and got a little scared, consequently calling upon a close friend and football expert (today's guest analyst whose name coincidentally begins with the letter 'c') who had this to say:

"The difference between the offense and the defense is simple. The offense is responsible for producing point for the team, and the defense is responsible for stopping the other team from scoring.
-

The most important position on the offense is the quarterback. He is the field coach. The running back and wide receiver come next in importance. The running game, if effective, makes it easier for the quarterback to pass the ball to receivers. The tight end and full back play more of a blocking role on most plays to help make the running game more successful. Good full backs and tight ends are hard to come by. The tight end can also catch pass when not blocking. The full back can run the ball or catch passes in short yardage situations. Last but not least, without the offensive line to protect the quarterback and block on run and pass plays, there would be no offense at all.

-

The most important position on the defense is the middle linebacker, he's the defensive coach on the field and also calls plays from the field in hurry-up situations. There are three linebackers on most normal defensive sets, though of course there are exceptions. The key to a successful defense in the NFL is the ability to stop the run of the opposing offense. Stopping the run forces the other team to rely on the passing game; this makes an offense 1-dimensional and easier to defend. also, good defensive backs or corner backs are needed to cover tall speedy wide receivers. These guys are responsible for stopping the offense from passing the ball. Normally there are 2 of these guys to defensive set. This is the rarest position in football. It's hard to find people that have world-class speed, at least 6ft. tall and can cause interceptions when thrown their way. There are only a hand full of great Defensive backs in the NFL, and most defensive backs are under 6ft. tall. The safety position is the last line of defense if the defensive back or linebacker cannot stop any given play. There are 2 types, free safety and strong safety. The free safety tends to watch out for helping cover wide receivers in double team or deep pass situations. The strong safety tends to keep his eye on the running back if the linebackers need additional help bringing down a speedy-strong running back. Finally, the defensive lineman are responsible for putting pressure on the quarterback and stopping the run, very tough job for very tough men.

-

Overall, without the offensive and defensive linemen the is no football to be played. These are truly the most important aspects of the game. These guys are often overlooked. they normally do not score any points nor do they win awards that are talked about outside of football. These people are the coach's favorite, even though they have a reputation for not being paid millions."

-
so that's it. one of the universe's little mysteries unraveled. now you know what thoughts will be running through la commish's head if you're ever a man lucky enough to colts huddle with her. hopefully, she won't slip up and call you peyton.... *

*unless you happen to in fact BE peyton, in which case she will call you big daddy.

-mono.league- standings
...the tops and bottoms as we head into week 3 of play....

i [heart] derek jeter continues to dominate, proving that nice girls CAN finish first.

last tackle in paris moves into 2nd place. looks like she's in possession of the 3 b's this week: beauty, brains, and beginner's luck.

devil wears jerseys stays strong in 3rd place, but she'll need more than good fashion sense to take the lead.

sporty spice commands a respectable 4th place this week, although la commish must wonder, is egghead secretly keeping her from jumping ahead? maybe there's room for only one phantasy football winner in that relationship...

!steve holt! comes from behind in phantasy football rankings this week (though she doesn't mind coming from the front either) and goes up in score to 5th place. funny, she normally enjoys going down...

the maniacal bulldogs slip a spot to 6th, behind big sister. recalling the old days of high school tennis, eh maniacal bulldogs?

liz's ligers plummet to a surprising 7th place this week. remember liz & co: phantasy football first, phamily second...

and finally in last place, the cockblockers: la commish fears their head coach might be dead. it's the only excuse she can think of for this kind of performance.


play on players,
-la commish

If You're Not First, You're Last
...where la commish imagines herself as the coach of other, lesser, teams....

[this week's trash talk is provided by the assistant coach of !steve holt! a man who is ravaging her -mono.league- opponents while pillaging la commish...]

"You know that greek story about the guy who gets all of his strength from his hair, and one day cuts it off? I think Rothlesbergerer has that with his appendix."

looks like the bench of the maniacal bulldogs is gonna be kept pretty warm by her (formerly) starting quarterback...

Fumbling Towards Ecstasy:
Lessons in Love and Football

from today's ny daily news:

-

"Jets are one of five teams yet to score a point in the first quarter. the others: the broncos, bucs, titans, and raiders."

la commish salutes the boys who take their time and don't blow their load too soon. there's nothing better than a man with stamina, staying power and finesse.

just so long as they peform in the 2nd half: then everyone scores!

Dear La Commish,
....in which la commish (who knows more about playing games than most NFL-ers) digs deep into her pigskin-lined heart and advises the lovelorn....

I recently went on a blind date and he did not know about football - is this a warning sign?

sighing in yiddish,

jdater hater

Dear jdater hater:

a warning sign is when you see clouds and consider donning a rainjacket for the football game that afternoon. or when you notice that your bottle of wine is almost empty and it's only the first quarter, so you put another one to chill in the fridge.

a man who doesn't know about football is something else altogether. that's not a sign - that's a walking example of a man with no *.

there are two things which straight men, no matter how metrosexual, cultured, or respectful they may seem, have an opinion about:

1) football
2) girl-on-girl action

any man who says he's not interested in these 2 things is either lying or he's lying about being straight.

run, don't walk! away from this pansy and find yourself instead a nice boy who will buy you flowers and leave you husky phantasy football updates on your voicemail. now that's romance....




* footballs

Football is All Around Us:
The Meadowlands

“oh devils! oh, god forsaken! oh, darkness, stench, and flame!”
“oh, get out with it, said freddy, “if i’m going to go there, i should know where it is, shouldn’t i? what is it called?”
“it is called, your royal highness, new jersey.”
“i’ve flown over that,” the queen said. “i didn’t know there were people in it. it looked like it was on fire.”
“new jersey is but a tile in a land so vast that, as far as anyone knows, it has no name.”
“yes, it does, you idiot,” feddy told him. “it’s called the united states of america.”
“it is this, then, that you must conquer.” *


but conquer we did not. evil # 12, along with his hater coach bill belichick, played us like we were a commodore 64, resulting in a new york loss to the hatriots last sunday, 24-17.

jets vs. hatriots

sunday, 17th september 2006

the first quarter:

a quick stop at a rest area on the way to game. that's the vince lombardi rest area, football fans, because la commish is all about making football the priority.

the second quarter:

The sporty trinity:
nfl, women and la commish, tickets in hand

half time:

a poorly planned snack break (which is also an apt analogy for the jets offense) meant we didn't get to our seats (on the 50 yard line!) until somewhere around halftime, when the score was 17-0.

note to football fans: games are not like parties, when you’re expected to arrive a bit tardy. Overheard: “I can’t tell if people are looking at us because we’re cute or because we’re late.”

la commish was dismayed to find that the jets DO NOT have a marching band to perform a half time show. harumph. apparently, the powers that be at giants stadium do not know how to appreciate the finer things in life. (like uplifting music at sporting events. or incidentally, winning.)

the third quarter:

in which the jets scored their first touchdown and the game became a bit touch and go. for a second. and then it went go. as in go home now to beat the traffic, the jets are going to lose.

la commish, along with the head coach of the maniacal bulldogs, who thanks to liquid courage never gave up believing in their hometown boys. damn that liquid courage!

the fourth quarter:

la commish will say this about tom brady: if he's as good at playing games in the sack as he is on the field, then bridget is a lucky girl who probably gets tied up a lot. after a good run in the third quarter when it looked as if the jets could catch up, evil #12 showed us his manhood and eventually ran out the clock.

note to football fans: ‘running out the clock’ is the football equivalent of rilly, rilly bad foreplay! there's players on the field but absolutely no action! everyone waits around, praying for the whole debacle to be over soon.

la commish, who handles bad sex and running down the clock in the same manner - by sleeping through most of it....

a look ahead at the phantasy football season:

the puerto rican belichick & mangini.

*exerpt from the novel Freddy and Fredericka by Mark Helprin

for an article about this game which is accurate enough (though la commish feels that it lacks the spirit found in her recounting), visit: http://sports.yahoo.com/nfl/recap?gid=20060917020

From the Desk of La Commish...

---------------
dear terrorists:

if you happen to be in the vicinity of the east coast, i have conveniently marked your next target, evil #12. or in your parlance, INFIDEL #12.

sincerely,
-la commish
-------------
dear santa:

it's almost that time of year again! as you can see from the enclosed picture, i have clearly marked for you someone who has been naughty this year, and therefore deserving only of coal in his stocking. thank you in advance for your kind consideration.

-la commish, who has been very, very good this year!

p.s. i eagerly await the arrival under my tree of my eli manning action figure and mr. peyton-head doll.
------------------------------
dear TLC television network:

i would like to nominate someone for your hit tv series, "what not to wear." i have circled him above. he is badly in need of a wardrobe makeover, as he wears the EXACT SAME THING every sunday, an ugly jersey with the #12.

by the way, yours is the reality television show where they kill the contestants at the end right?

kind regards,
a fan of your show
----------------------------------------------
dear residents of crown heights, brooklyn:

you don't know me very well yet, but i have recently moved to your neighborhood. some of you might call it encroaching on your territory and see me as a harbinger of the gentrification that will surely follow, leaving a wake of devastation for the lower income brackets in my path.

in anticipation of your suspicion towards me and the likely attacks which you will surely attempt on my person, i offer instead someone much more worthy of your wrath. please do consider attacking him, instead of me, if ever the urge should strike you.

feel free to come over and borrow sugar or eggs anytime.

-la commish, (unoffensively and with all due respect) representing crown heights!!

Mail Bag Mondays

la commish has an announcement: after attending her first football game, her love for the game has grown leaps and bounds. so she would like to state that she no longer prefers sailing, tennis, and european soccer to football. she only prefers european soccer. and quidditch.

which means that it's time to take this blog to the next level. with your help, la commish would like, by the end of this season, to schedule an interview with an honest-to-goodness nfl-affiliated footballer. or coach. or waterboy. whatever.

so this week's mail bag question is:

what questions would you like to see asked of a footballer by leagueofourown? *

something about the mysterious x's and o's? are they toppies? scared of monsters? do you want my phone #?

best response receives a shout-out on the blog,

in addition to a nifty I LOVE NY football keychain.

* contest is open to any person participating in any fantasy football league, in addition to assistant coaches and cheerleaders. never-nudes ARE eligible to enter this week, on the condition that they also submit an accompanying full-frontal nude shot. of themselves.

If You're Not First, You're Last
...where la commish imagines herself as the coach of other, lesser, teams....


columbus. magellan. cortez. la commish.
like these european conquistadors who came before her, la commish also likes to explore far-off, exotic & dangerously ungentrified locales and conquer them in the name of football and low monthly rents. the travels of la commish currently find her in a new apartment in crown heights, brooklyn. a neighborhood which she is certain will be the future home of the revolution and/or fundamentalist christianity's much anticipated end of days.

la commish, who growing up always pictured brooklyn to be a lot like sesame street (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sesame_Street%2C_New_York%2C_New_York) is slowly reconciling herself to the fact that if you walk one block south of sesame & pacific, then hit a left when you get to carroll, you are officially in the ghetto where she now lives. no matter... la commish has learned to quickly duck at the first sound of a clicking revolver and has been quite busy unpacking, decorating, and choosing appropriate footwear ("if i wear heels, then i can kick any would-be attackers, but if wear sneakers, then i can run away rilly fast...")

one of the great things about unpacking is rediscovering old songs from cd's and tapes that had been hiding in storage. la commish has been happily bopping to her two theme songs of yore:

“nobody does it better” by nate dogg & warren g (it's true - just ask one of her many discarded lovers)
“return of the mack” by mark morrison (the term ‘mack’ was originally meant to be ‘lyd’ but la commish declined the honor since her name is in fact synonymous with this now outdated expression for free agent)

incidentally, feel free to play either song at her funeral if footwear proves to be no match for neighbours’ guns.

la commish also came across another old favorite, one that would be the perfect theme song for the head coach of the cockblockers. here are some of the lyrics:

Cause I'm a train wreck Waiting to happen
Waiting for someone to come pick me up off the tracks
A wild fire born of frustration....

....like the frustration of being in last place? la commish is glad that the ice that runs through her veins keeps her from feeling the emotions of mere mortals like shame, embarrassment, regret and inadequacy. she hopes that the head coach for the cockblockers doesn't feel these things either. although that must be hard, considering that these are the adjectives that naturally come to mind when considering this team. we can only hope that the consecutive failures which will surely mark the cockblocker's upcoming weeks of -mono.league- play will not cause their head coach to to do something foolish as a way to lash out a cruel, unfriendly world...http://www.geocities.com/be_alternative/big_bird.html

-la commish, who is currently at work on a sexy mix tape for peyton, when not busy practicing safety drills in anticipation of the of the imminent race war that will surely spring forth from her new nabe

-mono.league- standings
...the tops and bottoms as we head into week 2 of play....


1) i [heart] derek jeter!
2) sporty spice
3) liz's ligers
4) maniacal bulldogs
5) last tackle in paris
6) devil wears jerseys
7)!steve holt!
8) the cockblockers

The Score

la commish: 3 touchdowns

the opposing team: never stood a chance against my offensive strike


-la commish, who is a tad too smiley this morning to rilly be talking about football

No Pain, No Gain

la commish, in a fit of masochism and necessity, hit the waxing salon AND her woman’s doctor all in the course of one week. painful? yes. humiliating? more so. (but essential if a girl wants to keep her * maintained...)

kind of like the super-intense training camp that eric mangini ran for his new york jets earlier this summer. painful and humiliating. sure. (but probably nothing compared to the travails of woman kind.) necessary? definitely. why? b/c this weekend, coach mangini is battling his former mentor, @ the meadowlands. eric mangini, 1st year head coach for the new york jets, worked for years under new england hatriots coach bill belichick. this sunday’s much-hyped game (at which la commish will be in attendance doing her new “I hate the hatriots” dance!) promises to be as exciting as last week’s manning bowl. (or as la commish likes to think, what holidays with the in-laws will be called…)

last week, young giant eli, the upstart, wasn’t necessarily expected to produce a win. it’s early in the season, he’s young…the pressure was on peytie pie. but this sunday, mangini (whose jets won their first game last week) must prove that he’s got what it takes to come out from under the coaching legend that is belichick. the world of football is watching. fingers crossed that mangini and his boys do a little maintaining of their own, otherwise his as* is grass.

-la commish


*astro-turf

Dear Sports Illustrated: *

la commish has been been reading SI like it's the latest harry potter installment. last week's issue contained an article entitled "table types," an uber-masculine guide to recognizing the different personalities that tend to populate your average fantasy football league. well, the vagina -mono.league- is NOT your garden-variety league. don't come looking for testerone-filled bashings of each other's manhoods here. instead watch out for the following players...

the holly go-lightly
probably didn't know much about football until now, other than it distracted the men in her life from giving her their full attention. but now that she's been bitten by the football bug, she's in in to win it, even it causes embarrassment now and then on account of her all-too-frequent football faux pas. these don't rilly bother her much, because she knows that they know that she's still cute, and while everyone is busy laughing at her antics, she's busy boning up on football stats and sizing up her competition. if she can keep up the initial intensity, she'll be a trash-talking football machine come play-off time, but since she not-so-secretly got into this as a way to meet boys, watch for her to fumble now and then when she's too busy playing the field to keep tabs of her boys ON the field.
celebrity doppelganger: jessica simpson

the girlfriend of the overprepared egghead
when the girl with the biggest shoe collection in the league all of a sudden starts spouting off statistics and giggling her way through trash talk, you know something is fishy. two wrongs don't make a right when you start receiving phantasy football-related hate mail from her boyfriend. she'll be a contender if she trusts her own insticts and the gods of football smile her way.
celebrity doppelganger: katie holmes

the ugly one
for every pretty girl, there's always an ugly friend. in her case, the draft is like valentine's day: while everyone else is ooh-ing and ahh-ing about their great picks, she'll stay silent instead of admitting that she got a kicker in the second round. but ugly ducklings often turn into swans, so with a little luck and a lot of improvement, she may break away from the shadow of other, sexier teams and score in the end, like the heroine of every teen movie ever made.
celebrity doppelganger: nicole ritchie

the ex-cheerleader
actually knows the rules to the game, and probably has lots of jealousy-inducing anecdotes that include many a big ten keg party. tends to smile benevolently at other, lesser beings who spent their formative years in the marching band. has the knowledge and connections to assemble a winning team, but her personal trained-butt will still get called fat by others who used to fantasize about kicking her ass with their clarinets.
celebrity doppelganger: angelina jolie

the new mom
the new mom finds herself in a position of power. unlike the new dad, for whom fantasy football may be viewed as childish and sophomoric, the new mom is ripe for the intellectual challenge that is preparing a winning phatasy football league team. plus she has tons of time to strategize during the 3 am breast-feeds. if she can keep her priorities straight (football first, family second) the newly acquired killer mama instinct may squelch the opposition and prove that mother knows best.
celebrity doppelganger: michelle williams


* this post is written ENTIRELY as a response to the SI article. any similarities to vagina -mono.league- phfreaders (phantasy football readers) is purely coincidental.

News from on High
...when la commish takes time away from making out like a bandit* to provide -mono.league-ers with valuable football information gleaned from the prevous week...


first, a man who takes it in the behind:

“A week earlier Porter had been shot through the left buttock while fleeing random gunfire outside a Denver sports bar, and he was in a fragile state of mind. The shooting spree, which killed one man, nearly deprived Porter of his manhood; he's convinced the bullet, which lodged in his right thigh, would have hit him in the most sensitive of regions had he not assumed a ‘sprinter’s’ stride while fleeing.” (exerpt from a 4 september SI article on pittsburgh steeler linebacker joey porter)

la commish salutes any man who can compare running away like a pansy with the nobility of a sprinter's stride. she also giggles and plans to use the word “manhood” as many times as she can this week.


next, a quarterback who will take it any way la commish wishes to give it:

ah, the manning bowl. overhyped? perhaps. worth it? definitely! la commish sat back with a red stripe and watched as the brothers put their manhoods on the line for their respective teams. outcome: pey-baby has a bigger manhood, as the colts beat the giants on sunday night 26 to 21. the satisfaction of having 2 brothers at once was unparalled in la commish's sports-viewing experience... side note: did anyone notice how grim the manning clan looked througout the game up in their box seats? when la commish is invited to view games with the fam, watch for her to liven things up a bit. she'll be recognized on camera as the one sipping on margaritas while giving her mother-in-law (olivia manning) bunny ears...

and finally, a girl who takes it in style:

“In contrast to Henin-Hardenne, in more traditional tennis attire topped by a white ballcap, Sharapova wore her night-match outfit, similar to a black cocktail dress, accessorized with silver shoes and dangling earrings. Sharapova says the look is inspired by “Breakfast at Tiffany's,” but the guess here is Audrey Hepburn never had a sponsor's swoosh on her outfit.” (espn.com on maria sharapova, winner of the u.s. women's open earlier this weekend here in the sports capital of the world, nyc.)

i know this last bit is a completely-unrelated-to-football digression, but this chick seems cool. almost cool enough to play in our -mono.league....


-la commish, who would have a hell of a time deciding which manning brother to vote off the island




*she's not just referring to phantasy football.

If You're Not First, You're Last
...where la commish imagines herself as the coach of other, lesser, teams....


why la commish harbors no jealousy towards the coach of ‘Last Tackle in Paris’ :

la commish opened a bottle of red wine at work today for a customer. when she pulled the corkscrew, the cork exploded out of the bottle, much more quickly than she had anticipated. you see, the cork was quite small in girth. la commish, who fancies herself to be quite the wine connoisseur, knows a thing or two about cork size and recognized that this particular cork was puny and quite probably ineffective compared to other, more masculine corks. la commish felt sorry for the cork and was thankful she didn't have to partake that particular wine.

speaking of small.... la commish remembers reading somewhere that qb matt hasselbeck was overheard in the locker room spouting something about the importance of the motion of the ocean, right after he LOST the superbowl last year.

a superbowl ring is a big dream for such a little man, 'last tackle in paris.' alas, he's no brando, but i hear he's got a great personality....


-la commish, who has a quarterback with big feet

Football is All Around Us:
(The second in a series)

la commish recently purchased her first football jersey.* she almost went with a colts blue pey-baby # 18 in a boys xl, but instead decided upon a sexy steelers roethlisberger, on account that it hugs her curves nicely, not to mention you can never go wrong with basic black (and gold).

this foray into foot locker fashion got la commish thinking. in her ongoing efforts to make sense of the x's and o's, she often tries to put football into a context she more readily understands, usually booze. (example: if pey-pey were a beer, he would be a budweiser, the king of beers. eli would be a bud light.) so in celebration of the sporty cuteness that is the -mono.league-...

in season: if football were fashion

peyton manning, colts quarterback:
the look. the feel. the fabric of my life.

the pittsburgh steelers: (who are so very audrey this year...)
the skinny black pants. always a timeless classic. especially hot this season, thanks to a superbowl win last year and the re-emergence of 80's rock chic androgyny a la peter doherty/kate moss

the new england hatriots:
kathy ireland for kmart. maybe this look works out in the sticks, but there's NO place for polyester play in nyc.

herm edwards, head coach for the kansas city chiefs:
you dress to win the game.

terrell owens, dallas cowboys winged right:
he's like stilettos. they're a bitch to wear, but they get the job done.

drew brees, quarterback for the new orleans saints:
(not to mention the phantasy football qb for the maniacal bulldogs)
frilly underwear. on account that he plays like a girl.


-la commish, who prefers tastes great to less filling



* disclosure: la commish was once given a white peyton jersey by a hatriots fan, which just goes to show, if a colts fan and a hatriots lover can co-exist in harmony, then there's hope for lesser rivalries, like peace in the middle east.

What a Girl Wants

be jealous, bitches! la commish's boss just handed her (wait for it)

2 TICKETS TO THE JETS/PATRIOTS GAME ON THE 17TH!

what am i going to wear?


-la commish, who is currently doing the dance of joy

P.S.

remember the contest i posted on mailbag monday? the one with a mystery prize?

you should've entered.

that would've been the easy way to score my 2nd ticket. now those vying for the seat will have to put out. and not just a little. you're gonna have to HOLD ME, MOTHERFUCKERS!

-la commish, who would normally rather roll over and fall asleep

Life of Blog

leagueofourown will soon have playdates with...
http://www.sportsgoons.com/Archives/flagrant_fouls/football/tom_brady_poll.htm

when they're a bit older, they'll play little league and have sleepovers (not to mention make fun of the HATRIOTS!) with...
http://i-hate-the-new-england-patriots.blogspot.com

and of course, in every blog's life, there comes that special time when they meet another blog to share the rest of their lives with. this would be...
http://www.celebmatch.com/birthdayform_6622_Peyton_Manning.php


-la commish, who, in celebration of this blog, is registered at manolo blahnik

Blogger, Shot Caller


la commish is fairly new to the blogosphere and all of its accompanying social mores. hence, the following...

setting: snooty intellectual conversation

snoot #1: (turning to la commish) are you a blogger?
la commish: (misunderstanding) hell's yeah i'm a baller! living the life!
snoot #2: huh?
la commish: pimpin' ain't easy, but someone's gotta do it!
snoot #1: what type is it?
la commish: baby, they're all my type! mothers, lock up your sons!
snoot #1: i meant, what kind of blog is it?
la commish: (mental doh! we're talking about blogging??!!) umm, it's about football....

la commish is kinda short to begin with, so feeling 3 feet tall isn't too much of a stretch.

to cirmumvent* similar social catastrophes, la commish spent her morning ignoring customers and surfing the web to learn more about the local customs of the blogosphere. she came across the following on one of her daily hits, written by a fellow nyc blogger:

"i love when bloggers meet each other, hook up, and then wrestle with whether or not they can blog about it." -larry from thisiswhatwedonow.com

la commish, who does not kiss and blog (if she did, she'd have a lot of explaining to do about who she did this weekend) is tickled to find an entirely new dating subculture to shave her legs for.


mothers, lock up your bloggers....
-la commish


* note to my never-nude readership: cirmumvent means to go around. as in 'the old reach around'.

Baller of the Week

this week's kudos go out to the head coach of liz's ligers. anyone who can push out a 3 football-sized little boy out of her vagina (-mono.league-) all the while keeping up the trash-talk is certainly worthy of our respect.

a special mention goes out to assistant-coach-about-town [CENSORED CUTIE] for the ingenious coaching idea of explaining the x's and o's rigamarole by drawing them on a woman's stomach in chocolate syrup and then eating the plays.

Mail Bag Monday (Revised)

IN 50 WORDS OR LESS, DESCRIBE WHY

YOUR FANTASY FOOTBALL TEAM WILL WIN THIS YEAR. *

winner will receive a nifty I LOVE NY football keychain in addition to another mystery prize.

prizes can be submitted to: queenlyd@hotmail.com

* contest is open to any person participating in any fantasy football league, in addition to assistant coaches and cheerleaders. never-nudes are not eligible to enter.

Football News from on High

...when la commish takes time out from f***-ing* to provide -mono.league-ers with valuable football information gleaned from the previous week....


nothing happened this week in football, as the season doesn't start until this coming thursday and frankly, not much matters until la commish starts racking up the points during regular season play.

well not much happened, except that is for the fact that pittsburgh steelers ben roethlisberger was in the ER (again) this time on account of an emergency appendectomy. sucks for ben. sucks even more for the maniacal bulldogs, whose team he is qb'ing. get well soon, ben! sulk in loser-dom, maniacal bulldogs....

as this coming week marks the official beginning of play, watch for thursday night's opening game of gryffindor versus ravenclaw. gryffindor has a strong team of returning wizards.... o wait. [*sigh.*] la commish once again mourns the fact that there is not more magic in this world. la commish's opponents mourn this fact even more, as magic is the only thing that will help them to beat her.


-la commish, who predicts that snape, neville & luna will bite it in harry potter 7





* f stands for footballing!

Overheard at the Water Cooler

-peyton manning will give you a triple orgasm just by kissing you! one time, a girl touched his football and her head exploded! be careful- peyton has a special "move," but if you don't do it exactly as he commands, your legs will break like a pretzel.

-tom brady is a never-nude.

-eli manning still wets the bed.

-in greek mythology, ligers are synonymous with losing championship games. that is why no known professional sports team has a liger as a mascot.

-laveranues coles is a gentleman on the street but a freak in the bed.

-brett favre only dates puerto rican chicks.*



*this rumour may have been propogated by la commish.

If You're Not First, You're Last

...where la commish imagines herself as the coach of other, lesser, teams....

If la commish were the coach of I HEART DEREK JETER*:

she would go to a bar looking tawdry and bedraggled (the loser-ista look of choice), get sloshed on white zinfandel, sleep with someone much uglier than herself in order to gain the validation she lacks in the -mono.league- on account that her team's suckiness extends to infinity and beyond, then cry herself to sleep.

luckily, la commish has a fabulous team spearheaded by peyton manning so she sleeps soundly, content in the knowledge that pey-baby is so tough, he's the only known human being who could withstand a nuclear attack.


*this is purely a hypothetical exercise, for la commish would've killed herself the instant she found herself helming the shinking ship that is the team I HEART DEREK JETER.

Christmas in September!

la commish woke up this morning to a draft fulfilled! she feels like a kid at christmas! (oh. i guess none of the jews playing know what that feels like...)

highlights:
la commish (aka !steve holt!): peyton manning & terrell owens - i got my 2 faves! other than that, i have a LOT of research to do...

last tackle in paris: qb is seattle seahawks matt hasselbeck. he took his team to the superbowl last year so he's quality.

sporty spice: qb tom brady. she is now my mortal enemy.

devil wears jerseys: her qb is eli manning. which makes la commish 2 degrees of seperation away from the manning clan!

maniacal bulldogs: qb is drew breeze of the new orleans saints (the purdue connection.) ben roethlisbergher (steelers connection) is her bn. what's a bn?

i heart derek jeter: no one i've ever heard of. wish i could say i'd had a hand at giving you a sucky team, but the automatic draft took care of everything. justice has a way of being meted out...

the cockblockers: hmm....i've heard of a lot of the players, so they must be good. i'm keeping my eye on this team...

liz's ligers: hmmm... drew bledsoe is her qb. looks like a solid line-up... remember there is no mercy in fantasy football, even for those who've recently given birth.

ladies, let the games begin!

-la commish