If You're Not First, You're Last
...where la commish imagines herself as the coach of other, lesser, teams....


columbus. magellan. cortez. la commish.
like these european conquistadors who came before her, la commish also likes to explore far-off, exotic & dangerously ungentrified locales and conquer them in the name of football and low monthly rents. the travels of la commish currently find her in a new apartment in crown heights, brooklyn. a neighborhood which she is certain will be the future home of the revolution and/or fundamentalist christianity's much anticipated end of days.

la commish, who growing up always pictured brooklyn to be a lot like sesame street (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sesame_Street%2C_New_York%2C_New_York) is slowly reconciling herself to the fact that if you walk one block south of sesame & pacific, then hit a left when you get to carroll, you are officially in the ghetto where she now lives. no matter... la commish has learned to quickly duck at the first sound of a clicking revolver and has been quite busy unpacking, decorating, and choosing appropriate footwear ("if i wear heels, then i can kick any would-be attackers, but if wear sneakers, then i can run away rilly fast...")

one of the great things about unpacking is rediscovering old songs from cd's and tapes that had been hiding in storage. la commish has been happily bopping to her two theme songs of yore:

“nobody does it better” by nate dogg & warren g (it's true - just ask one of her many discarded lovers)
“return of the mack” by mark morrison (the term ‘mack’ was originally meant to be ‘lyd’ but la commish declined the honor since her name is in fact synonymous with this now outdated expression for free agent)

incidentally, feel free to play either song at her funeral if footwear proves to be no match for neighbours’ guns.

la commish also came across another old favorite, one that would be the perfect theme song for the head coach of the cockblockers. here are some of the lyrics:

Cause I'm a train wreck Waiting to happen
Waiting for someone to come pick me up off the tracks
A wild fire born of frustration....

....like the frustration of being in last place? la commish is glad that the ice that runs through her veins keeps her from feeling the emotions of mere mortals like shame, embarrassment, regret and inadequacy. she hopes that the head coach for the cockblockers doesn't feel these things either. although that must be hard, considering that these are the adjectives that naturally come to mind when considering this team. we can only hope that the consecutive failures which will surely mark the cockblocker's upcoming weeks of -mono.league- play will not cause their head coach to to do something foolish as a way to lash out a cruel, unfriendly world...http://www.geocities.com/be_alternative/big_bird.html

-la commish, who is currently at work on a sexy mix tape for peyton, when not busy practicing safety drills in anticipation of the of the imminent race war that will surely spring forth from her new nabe