the new york giants are in such a state of current disarray that la commish wasn't sure where to begin describing that mess to her loyal phreaders. always keen to place football within wider, more understandable realms, la commish compares the giants to her charming and lovable, yet often dysfunctional family....

If La Commish's Thanksgiving

Had Been at Giants Stadium:

la commish's baby sister, as played by giants running back tiki barber: you hear "whaa, whaa, whaaa" and then they leave

at the end.

the much maligned middle sister, as portrayed by giants head coach tom coughlin: erratic, prickly & tempremental, apt to go off on a whim and to make players cry.

la commish's mother, who decided NOT to come to thanksgiving this year, played by wide receiver plaxico burress, he who is now famous for giving up in the middle of disastrous plays that aren't worth his effort. [see: staying in indiana (my mother) and not bothering with a 'my-unathletic-friend-jason-who-throws-like-a-girl-could've thrown-a-better' pass from manning during the soul-deadening giants loss against the tennessee titans last week (plaxico).]

la commish, as interpreted by giants quarterback eli manning, the bumbling, well-meaning “head” of the team who in actuality lost control early on. good thing they’ve both got their looks to fall back on.










john, the innocent 'why-am-i-dating-into-this-family?' bystander, is acted by a surprisingly quiet (at the moment) giants tight end jeremy schockey. a team player, he just wants everyone to get along and to make a turkey (out of the cowboys next weekend.)









and last, but not least....

lola, the maniacal bulldog, who this week has much in common with defensive end michael strahan, the giant most likely to attack members of the press.

oops. almost forgot the family patriarch, aka giants GM ernie accorsi. they may not be directly involved in the weekly head-to-heads, but they rule from on high and pray for the best (that their respective teams don't kill each other and that they don't have to fire anyone this year...)

What Do the Following Two Have in Common?

dwight schrute: what was your mile time?
toby: about seven.
dwight schrute: i could beat that on a skateboard.
toby: well, that has wheels.
dwight schrute: yeah, well, my feet don't. and i could still crush that time.










plaxico burress (giants wr): "he wouldn't have made that play if he was on a skateboard." (about cowboys saftety roy williams)

Football is All Around Us:

Guilty Pleasures

since cablevision brooklyn doesn't feel the need to provide monday night NFL to lowly basic cable subscribers like la commish, she has turned to other sources on mondays to get her football on.

enter CW sitcom the game, conveniently aired at the 9:30 time slot to set up studio 60. (la commish would love to make a sports themed reference here about how one hands off to the other, but falls shy due to insufficient knowledge of terminology. the sentiment is there, anyways.)

how can she spin this to make it sound intellectual and worthwhile as opposed to highlighting that it's a girlfriends spin-off with not much redeeming value save for the fact that the boys in the show are cute?

by descrbing it as an american take with an urban (read: black) twist on the bbc america series footballer's wives?

doubtful.

-la commish, who worries not about the pot but about the CW killing her brain cells

Always A Bledsoe, Never a Bride

poor drew bledsoe, the currently benched quarterback for the dallas cowboys. things started out so well: as #1 draft pick by the new england hatriots back in '93, the future was bright and the world was his oyster. but then, internal bleeding in a 2001 game against the giants forced him to sit out. his back up qb, tom brady (aka hater #12), went on to win 3 superbowls in his position.

then traded to the buffalo bills, of late bledsoe has been seen with the cowboys, where he got back together with his former hatriots coach bill parcells. but proving once again why getting back together with an ex is never a good idea, parcells decided to move on and 5 games ago replaced drew with the current cowboys flavor of the month, tony romo.

thunder stealer tony romo, dallas cowboys qb (r.)

quarterback-come-lately tony romo, in typical new squeeze fashion, has turned the cowboys around and put them in contention for an NFC east championship. (ed. note: it sucks when the new girlfriend is prettier than you, doesn't it?) during yesterday's thanksgiving day victory against the tampa bay buccaneers, romo threw five touchdowns, completing 9 of 10 passes in the 2nd half and earning himself comparisons to previous greats like troy aikman.

brokenhearted qb drew bledsoe:

"on my own/once again/this wasn't how it was supposed to be...."

all’s fair in life and love. but especially, in football....

Ding, Dong! The Witch is Dead!

sadly (for the philadelphia eagles and phantasy football fans everywhere) their cutie qb donovan mcnabb went down during sunday's game against the titans. a torn ACL (the same affliction which back in the day took out la commish's high school quarterback and homecoming king) will keep him on the puppy list for the rest of the season. sigh. this should've been a big year for him. leagueofourown is sad to see him go and wishes him a happy and speedy recuperation.

fit for a queen(lyd):

donovan throwing, before injuring his ACL on sunday.

leagueofourown IS happy, however, for one reason. mcnabb's season-ending injury means that i [heart] derek jeter's reign of terror has been contained, at least in reference to the vagina -mono.league.- look for wild cards the maniacal bulldogs to make a championship run in the final weeks, not to mention steady #2 last tackle in paris.

a picture of the head coach of i [heart] derek jeter

la commish (l.) next to the wicked witch of the midwest and her mother (r.) at the hoosier dome.

speaking of mothers: check out www.mamamcnabb.com.

you can trust a man who does right by his mother....

First Colts Loss of the Season

(to the Cowboys, 21-14 last Sunday)

peyton, sweetie:

don't worry about it! you were probably just tired. and you've been under a tremendous amount of stress lately. it's just one game. to be honest, i didn't feel like winning either. just being together during sunday afternoon football is enough sometimes.

trust me. it happens to ALL the quarterbacks...

Twins!

one of the better parts of living in manhattan is the possibility of spotting a celebrity at any moment. every new yorker has a dream celebrity sighting, the star who would be the icing on the not-so-tasty cake (of high rents, crowded subways, and too many tourists taking up valuable sidewalk space) that is the modern urban existence.

la commish has long nursed the possibility of walking into the bathroom of a downtown club and spotting la lindsay. presumably on all fours in front of a toilet spewing her coked up lungs out and in need of a friend to hold her hair, rub her back and whisper "there, there." (it could happen.)

a close second would be an olsen sighting. but they apparently do not frequent the same watering holes as la commish for she had yet to add this particular feather in her new york cap. until last sunday!

who should breeze by la commish & company at the entrance of the downtown williams-sonoma? (after the sports-viewing debacle that was attempting to enter jim, the gay sports bar of chelsea, in the company of self-hating queers who objected to a very hetero yours truly enjoying the eagles game without worry of getting hit on.) none other than mary-kate olsen!

below are la commish's observations of m-k, play-by-play…

--she looks JUST LIKE she does in the tabloids. way too skinny, stringy hair, and weirdly outfitted.

-la commish was dismayed to discover that in her stiletto booties, m-k was in fact taller than la commish.

-on the weight issue (moral quandary about judging a woman based on her weight aside): to quote a fellow onlooker, "when she turns sideways, she looks like a subway pole." the girl is S-K-I-N-N-Y!

the spectacular m-k sighting was enough to lead another of la commish's gay companions to comment that for a girl worth upwards of 3 billion dollars, he would happily turn straight. la commish was forced to admit that (keeping in mind her current visa bill) she would forsake her heterosexuality for a lot less.

as synonymous as the olsen twins are to the nyu-cum-celebutante downtown scene, there's another set of twins that la commish would much rather whore her sexuality to. that would be the barber twins, tiki and ronde. if there were ever a pair of NFL brothers who could reduce la commish to a shakepseare love sonnet-quoting puddle of mush (well, after eli & petyon) it would likely be ronde and tiki.

football eye candy.

what a sight to behold. why, tiki's biceps alone are enough to make la commish's eye glaze over for a couple of seconds. they're as big as her waist!!

history, which has a funny way of repeating itself (though not necessarily in football, eh steelers? doesn't look the reigning superbowl champs will make a repeat trip this year, making la commish's purchase of the ben reothlisberger jersey a regrettable fashion decision.) beginning with the famous biblical brothers cain and abel, there has always been a good sibling and a bad sibling. here is the latest example:

The Good Twins:

ashley olsen
affiliation: new york university

Status: billionairess

Goals: to graduate college and conquer lower manhattan in the name of olsen

tiki barber

Affiliation: new york giants running back

status: wife ginny, 2 young sons

goals: retire at the end of this season and take up golf, sports commentating

The bad twins:

ronde barber

affiliation: corner back for the tampba bay buccaneers

status: wife claudia and 2 young daughters

why he is bad: 20 lbs heavier than his brother, not to mention more heterosexual-seeming. plus five tattoos.

mary-kate olsen

affiliation: she belongs to the world.

status: a penchance for paris hilton cast-offs

why she is bad: college drop-out. skinny crystal meth afficionada. need we say more?

and if that good twin/bad twin dichotomy is not enough…

teammates: feel-good children's book about sports that teaches young ones about teamwork, setting goals, and having fun! written by the barbers.

switching goals: feel-good tween movie about sports that teaches young ones about teamwork, setting goals, and having fun! starring the olsens.

Best Friends Forever?

for those of you who live under a rock and hadn't heard, the new york jets TROUNCED the new england hatriots last sunday at gillette stadium. (god obviously heeded the prayers of la commish.) the two teams, never that friendly to begin with, are now mortal enemies thanks to the mischief-making of their respective head coaches.

"i don't like you!"

hatriots coach bill belichick very blatantly snubbed his former assistant, barely looking at him as they shook hands after E's gang green victory.

come on boys: if paris and hilton can kiss and make up, why can't you?

.

Boys Gone Wild!

in a move stolen from the albert hayneworth playbook, witness the nfl's newest delinquents, oakland raider tyler brayton and seattle seahawk jeremy stevens.

brayton (left) was fined $25,000 while stevens (right) was fined $15,000 for this altercation which occured during last monday's game.

what could've led the boys to throw down, manhood a manhood? la commish is guessing lover's quarrel...

Would You Take Phantasy Football Advice from this Man?

no, because he's dead. and would most likely send your entire offense to vietnam. history is repeating itself. la commish, who firmly believes in keeping the boys out of a now meaningless war that we'll never win (so that they may fight for all we hold dear here on the homefront--life, liberty, and the pursuit of a colts superbowl win!), offers the following advice to her competitors on how best to stack your ph-f. teams for this weekend, utilizing our hometown boys, the giants....(take special note, last tackle in paris....):

amani toomer, all time leading receiver for the giants (la commish should be so lucky as "receive" amani into her homefront) looks to be a solid scorer going into this weekend's league play. a fine addition to any ph-f. team matched against la commish....

other giants to root for this weekend:

wr plaxico burress

lb carlos emmons

cb sam madison

wr sinorice moss

lb brandon short

Good luck, to all ph-f. competitors - our season is halfway over!

may the better woman win....

the better woman (l.) pictured here with rival head coach sporty spice

Life of Blog:
So Many Blogs, So Little Time...

la commish realized pretty immediately after posting her last entry that in phantasy football it would be impossible to draft michael strahan because he's a de (defensive something), each phantasy football team being comprised of 7 offensive players, a kicker, and a defense. so in google pursuit of equally astounding offensive players for her opponents to fill their rosters with, she accidentally tumbled into the welcoming internet arms of http://www.thesportstruth.com/2006/11/tony-romo-pines-for-jessica-simpson.html.

then, waiting in the wings to offer sartorial advice to scary steeler joey porter, she ran into http://www.themightymjd.com/.

though their priorities include other non-football related sports (quel beasts!), these 2 blogs are worthy of some qt time with leagueofourown. after all, there's no such thing as a perfect man (though the little man below comes close)... only the perfect manning!

la commish, working her magic on yet another doting admirer, the heir to the LIZ'S LYGERS phantasy football throne.

To LAST TACKLE IN PARIS:

la commish is going to see death cab for cutie tomorrow night. [that is the LAST time disparaging remarks are made (in jest) about boys who call during football games!]

boys who don't play football. they play music.

as la commish is going head to head in the -vagina mono.league- this sunday against LAST TACKLE IN PARIS, she should probably be working more to build up a winning team, but la commish has many officiating duties to tend to.

she offers instead this winning tip sure to take LAST TACKLE's team over the edge to victory: pick up giants de (defensive end?) michael strahan, who has by far the best nfl.com mug shot. ever.

come hither!

just some friendly advice from your friend and fellow football afficionado....

The Morning After....

this is how la commish feels after watching the indianapolis colts have their way with the new england rats last night, 27-20.

"retribution is ours, bitches!!"

who knew you could wake up so happily, and all without an exorbitant bar tab and the accompanying notch on the lipstick case to show for it? onward to the superbowl....

but first, LA COMMISH'S NOTES ON THE GAME...

attention, all boys who want me: calling me in the middle of a colts game??!! seriously?

speaking of dicks.... lying on the couch in a chilli & red burgundy-induced food coma, la commish couldn't help but notice how the camera inexplicably continued to pan to the back of evil #12's head. which la commish very grudgingly admits is quite smartly coiffed, considering that he was sporting a sweaty helmet head. (not to mention the look of utter defeat in his beady little eyes.) la commish wonders: is tom brady a man of the people, who goes to his local barbershop when in need of a trim, or is he a fancy salon man? she's betting he's a fancy salon man, judging by the perfection of his locks. wuss. all the hair gel in the world couldn't save him from getting his ass whupped by her boy peyton, allowing 4 interceptions, 5 turnovers, and accumulating only 201 yards on 20 of 35 passing. (which is the fancy way that rats.com described having their footballs served on a platter slathered with colts special sauce.)

and the play of the day goes to... colts wideout (do they just make up these positions as they go along?) marvin harrison, who caught the impossible catch while managing to keep both feet on the ground and scoring a TD late in the 3rd quarter. (or it might've been the 4th quarter. red burgundy does a lot to turn a girl's memory screwy.) imagine what he could do with both feet OFF the ground....

magic hands marvin, about to catch a beauty from peyton, sometime late in the game.

but although he had a great night, he's still only a colt she'd shake hands with and congratulate profusely.

la commish is reserving the rest of her body parts to MVP of the game (and of her heart)....

peytie pie, who could get play every day from yours truly.

and finally, the dumb sports announcer call of the day goes to.... whoever it was that described a colts player as "squirting out of bounds." a phrase which struck fear in the heart of la commish, as squirting out of bounds is the thing she is most fearful of. (after the thought that her missing keys are most likely in the hands of a sociopathic neighbor who is currently plotting to kill her in her sleep.) la commish, and the world, are not yet ready for either her early demise or for a la commish, jr....

Happy Monday!

Book Club!!

i've only read the first 3 chapters, but i learned more about football from them than from all of my drunken inquiries to hot boys in bars combined!!

order it, buy it, check it out from your local library. i will be blogging about this book as i continue reading it, so look for more book club updates soon....

Curtis Martin: Phantom Boyfriend?

have you ever had one of those friends who's always rapturizing about her long-distance boyfriend and how great and romantic and sexy he is? the great boyfriend who you never actually meet and who somehow manages to never visit, even though he's so thoughtful? that's kind of what curtis martin (giants running back) reminds me of.

in the short time that i've been following football, i've heard OF him but i've never actually SEEN him. he's been on the giants injured list since the beginning of the season. well, curtis officially took himself out of the game this past week, siting a bone-on-bone knee situation that was too much even for his high pain threshold. curtis martin, we never knew you....

curtis joins teammate lavar arrington on the puppy list (well, technically it's PUP - physically unable to perform - but i'll take the opportunity to objectify hot men whenever possible) who went in a flash of injured glory during a game against the cowboys 3 weeks ago.

i've gonna have to start taking the same advice that i give my mother regarding my boyfriends: don't get too attached to the players, because you never know when they'll be subbed out forever....

THE FRIDAY TAILGATE*

Chateau Le Grand Sigognac

2001 Red Bordaux

this cabernet sauvignon/merlot blend comes from a small estate in the medoc region of bordeaux, france, whose owners take great care to produce an artisinal wine that is classic and refined. this 2001 LE GRAND SIGNOGNAC is an easy-drinking, feminine red that exhibits spiciness on the palate and a smooth herbal finish. it makes a wonderful accompaniment to....football!!

you may have trouble finding this small producer at your local wine shop, but it's worth seeking out. it's available online (www.beaconwine.com) or visit beacon wines & spirits on manhattan's upper west side.

[disclaimer: la commish will win $200 bucks at work if she sells a ton of this wine by the end of the month. that, and she'll get her boss off her back so that she can continue to blog all day. wine makes lovely stocking stuffers, people! buy now for your superbowl parties.]

*please note the above format change for this weekly section. the design dept. decided that having photo of a giant fish on this web site was, how shall we say...innapropriate for a blog entitled the vagina -mono.league.- so enjoy the new tail! (lord knows la commish always does - though she's not a huge fan of pussies....)

The Drakkar Noir Award

for those who don't quite have their finger on the pulse of what is socially acceptable....


though leagueofourown concentrates specifically on the NFL, we are slumming down to college ball happenings in order to award the first undistinguished dishonoree. that would be brian kinchen, for his fabulously inappropriate commentating during a college football game last weekend. kinchen was explaining the need for receivers to make catches with their hands because they are "tender" and can "caress" the ball. he finished his soliloquy with "that's kind of gay, but hey ..."

i'm not taking the blog down the slippery slope of what constitutes discrimination in today's politically correct world (though this does qualify as homophobia and i will fight this one to your death.) instead, i scoff at mr. kinchen's lack of professionalism. in my line of work, i would never refer to a particular bottle of wine as being "gay." nor would my lawyer friends refer to a particular court decision as being "gay" nor would my musician friends refer to a specific aria as being "gay" and so on.... to refer to the glorious sport of football, sport of kings (and queens, no doubt!) in those terms debases the entire foundation of honor, responsibility, and playing-to-win attitude that the sport is based on.

mr. kinchen, please contact our media relations department immediately, so that we may ship your prize bottle of drakkar noir cologne!