(More) Tenets of Football

la commish was forced to bench herself sunday afternoon in order to control the raging headache and vomitous tendencies brought on by a still-fuzzy pre-halloween saturday night of partying, rousing herself just in time to catch the kick-off for the cowboys/panthers game (cowboys kicked ass and heralded a new age of tony romo as qb). romo's successful quarterbacking was a hit with cowboys fans, not unlike the splash that la commish's naughty librarian halloween costume made with upper west siders.

in a hazy, aspirin-fueled daze, la commish once again considered decorating her new living room in dallas cowboy blues and lamented how closely set tony romo's eyes appeared.

tony romo, newest dallas cowboys quarterback. notice how well he fills out his ice blue tights; also the unfortunate neanderathal-like positioning of his eyes. incidentally, he "passed for 270 yards and a TD in his first NFL start on Sunday night" according to si.com.

as la commish settled in for the evening to watch the game, she felt something growing in the pit of her stomach. luckily, this time it wasn't all the alcohol she had consumed on god knows who's tab at the bar, but instead a flash of enlightenment as it began to dawn on her just how exactly football is played.

why, it's nothing more than an analogy for dating in new york city!!

leagueofourown’s guide to football terminology,
football-ized for her pleasure: (and in cowboy tights blue!)

simply put, the team with possession of the ball has 4 downs to move the ball 10 yards. if they don't achieve this, then possession of the ball is lost. (each down gets your team closer to the goalposts, which is where you score touchdowns.)

kind of like how la commish gives a new beau 4 dates to wine and dine her. if by the 4th date, said beau has failed to impress her, then she stops returning his calls and/or remembers a work deadline that is going to keep her RILLY BUSY for the next several weeks, if not months.

here are some commonly heard terms that will prove useful to phreaders:

*1st and 10:
wikipedia - first down with 10 yards to go for a new first down.

la commish: the first date. you are ever hopeful and the possibilities for scoring are endless. with any luck, things go well and you kiss at the end of a successful night, resulting in another first down, err date, but this time closer to scoring position. eventually, you want to find yourself in the endzone, scoring touchdowns all night long, and if you're lucky, he'll buy you brunch!

*2nd & 5th:
wikipedia: second down with 5 yards to go. similarly, 2nd and 10, 3rd and 2, etc.

la commish: 2nd date, no one's made a move yet. but you've had a decent time, dinner was good, some funny jokes were told, so you say what the hell and agree to a third date.

*3rd & long:
wikipedia: third down with an unspecified but significant distance to go. Often used as a metaphor for a desperate situation that demands risky actions be taken.

la commish: you're both pretty busy, have been forced to string the dates along for an inordinate amount of time, momentum is lacking...this is a last ditch attempt to initiate something with a decent guy you wouldn't mind getting to know better, though you know that the timing is lousy and probably working against the future of this relationship. expensive gifts sometimes (most often fruitlessly) come into play at this point. it's a long shot, but stranger things have happened. (like the 3 months la commish spent in hong kong with that idiot middle-manager....)

another way to look at it: you're lloyd dobler. you've got one chance with diane court at the biggest party of the year. you know you might never see her again. this is you holding up your boombox and blasting peter gabriel.

*4th down:
nfl.com: if the offense reaches fourth down, it usually punts the ball (kicks it away). This forces the other team to begin its drive further down the field.

la commish: maybe he wore birkenstocks on one of your dates. answered a call from his mother in the middle of dinner. was intolerably rude to the waitstaff. whatever. at this point, you’ve completely given up, so you punt him (aka kick him to the curb). You make sure you kick him as far away as possible so as to assure that he never comes near you again.

*4th and inches:
you’re like jim in the office. (sigh) it’s the final attempt. you went for it on the 3rd down and got denied, but you’re so close to getting your ten yards that you try one last time. if you don’t get it, you’re heartbroken and left in a vulnerable situation (you’re giving your opponent the ball with good field positioning), which means you might have to transfer to the connecticut branch of dunder mifflin. if you get it, angels sing, the heavens align, and you score another first down (or in jim's case, his first date with pam.)

see, understanding football is easier than finding a drunk i-banker to buy you drinks at a midtown bar on a thursday night!

also look for upcoming TENETS OF FOOTBALL, in which la commish analyzes the phallic symbolism of the touchdown goal posts....

Breaking News!
La Commish Announces Early Retirement

Brooklyn, NY (AP) -- After many extremely successful seasons in the world of international 'datant', La Commish has officially announced her plans to retire from the world of dating. Inspired by Giants running back Tiki Barber, who last week informed the world of football that this would be his last season, La Commish is also choosing to exit while still on top of her game, if no longer her men.


"99 Problems But a Bitch Ain't One"

"There's a lot of pressure and competition right now. I still have a lot of love for my many suitors out there, but my heart is no longer in the game. Like Jay-Z, I've lived through the Bed-Stuy years and survived to tell the tale. I'm past the bling, the international intrigue, the ho's in different areas codes....now it's time to concentrate on career, friends, family, and of course, football. I will honor any previous commitments I may have (drunkenly) made, but I plan on adding no more digits into my little black playbook."

La Commish, who's numbers (and measurments) certainly speak for themselves, says she plans to devote herself to charitable works and shares that she hasn't ruled out coaching. "Thanks to all the men I've loved before....and to the magnum men especially."

I Will Always Love Yooouuu, Jericho Cotchery!

so, i do my own laundry because:
a) i believe that having it done for you is elitist, bordering on colonial
b) i can catch up on my reading

this morning, i'm at the laundromat at an ungodly early hour scouring back editions of new york sports pages that have been piling up (i do the work dear phreaders, so that you don't have to) and come across a touchy-feely psa put out by the new york jets every week in the daily news. normally, there's an interview with one of the players, along with healthy tips like how to make your own granola mix or how if you're fat no one will love you.

this week's interviewee was jericho cotchery, jets wr-kr. (i reserve comment on his position until i figure out what it is.) the interview consisted mostly of the usual "eat healthy, don't play with guns" kind of shtick. but one thing caught my eye: jericho shared that he enjoys working out while listening to uptempo music, such as songs by whitney houston.

wtf??!! your mama gave you a bad-ass name like jericho and here you are in this psa earnestly calling out...WHITNEY HOUSTON!! even i wouldn't call out whitney houston, and i'm 5 foot 2 and 1/2 inch little tan girl (hottie), not a big tough supposedly threatening jock!! but i suppose it's kinda cute and heartwarming...especially in light of all the ron mexico's out there just itching* to kill a girl's game. let's just hope that come superbowl time, jericho isn't belting out "didn't we almost have it all"....

and look for upcoming psa's featuring the recently injured lavar arrington (NEW YORK LOVES YOU LAVAR!!), giants olb (old little bastard? offensive line backer?). in which he ruminates on life, fate, the deliciousness of carrot sticks, and the complete works of barbara streisand....



*std joke, for those who didn't "catch it." oh, look i did it again!

3 Heads are Better than 1

a wonderful football ice cream sundae.

frame 1: "hi, i'm barry cofield (#96) and this is my teammate fred robbins (#98). we thought we'd come by and introduce ourselves. we're DT's (defensive tackles?) for the giants."

frame 2: "hi, i'm michael vick, quarterback for the atlanta falcons. but you can call me ron mexico."

frame 3: "too bad la commish isn't in the middle of this to supervise...."

***

ok, so maybe that's not exactly how it went down. but if you take a look at the trashtalk that followed the giants victory over the atlanta falcons 2 sundays ago, it's kinda close:

michael vick, atlanta falcons quarterback, on giants D: "a vanilla defensive scheme"

antonio pierce, giants linebacker: "well, if it was vanilla, how come he didn't do better?"

lavar arrington, giants linebacker: "whether it was vanilla or not, the bottom line is it was good vanilla...i think it has a little bit of a caramel swirl in it. it was a little tasty."

la commish, fan & blog writer: "yum. i'll be the cherry you can put on top."

***

having spent many hours at work staring into space and in an attempt to make myself invisible, i had a lot of time to ponder the current vick situation. here is the outcome of my worplace ruminations:

michael vick = ugg Boots

like the ubiquituous ugg boots, vick has a lot of naysayers. but season after season, there they are, adorning both the feet of women everywhere and the georgia dome. both are possessing of a particular style; the ugg boot as the shoe that goes with nothing and everything at the same time, michael vick as the left hand throwing quarterback who is known for his tremendous quickness yet technically poor (seeming) football skills. both have been accused of being overhyped; both have been lauded for their unique style. uggs & michael vick....controversial, misunderstood, and brimming with "personality."

in a final vick note concerning sexual safety, i encourage all my phreaders to google the name 'ron mexico'. suffice it to say, this blog will not be sponsoring any "win a date with michael vick" contests anytime soon...

2 Heads are Better Than 1



this is the current love of la commish's life. she depends on him whenever she wants to score. so what happens when peyton has a bye week and la commish is left to her own devices?

what usually happens when boys get complacent. having no colts action to watch, la commish switched channels and stumbled upon this dreamy lovetoy -

jim from the office, played by manhattan-based actor john krasinki

la commish certainly has a type....

The Friday Tailgate

read about the various sundries la commish puts in her mouth.

well, those of a vinous nature, anyways...

cape mentelle wines of western australia

CAPE MENTELLE wines, this week's selection, were chosen for the approachability of both the wine and of their winemaker rob mann (both are yummy morsels, though la commish prefers drinking the former while engaging the latter over dinner.)

CAPE MENTELLE sauvignon blanc/semillon...

for white wine lovers, you'll find this bottle to be a great tailgating wine. it's punchy, vibrant, fresh and manages to retain its acidity with the saltiest of dishes. (this means you can pair it with french fries, potato chips and other classic tailgating fare.) taste-wise, it leans towards the fruit-forward side of dry, making it an excellent sipping wine for the sundays you'll laze away on the couch. in terms of size, this is fairly full-bodied and long on the finish...just how la commish like her men!

CAPE MENTELLE 'trinders' cabernet/merlot blend...

by now, even the most neophyte of wine drinkers should have caught on to the wine powerhouse that is australia. as recently as 10 years ago, australia was a small player in the world of wine, then along came a little brand called yellowtail....to put it another way, if wine were american idol, then australia would be kelly clarkson. the meteoric rise of australian wine to global prominence has everything to do with quality, fruitiness, drinkability, and affordability. the CAPE MENTELLE 'trinders' is based upon the classic blend of grapes found in the bordeaux region of france. the cabernet lends fullness while the merlot gives softness and cherry flavors. this is another great bottle to drink alone or with various snacks.

CAPE MENTELLE is a very popular brand (they're partners with the champagne house of veuve clicquot) so your local wine shop should carry them. (if not, you can buy them at http://www.beaconwines.com). incidentally, CAPE MENTELLE also make a chardonnay and a shiraz which are definitely worth checking out if you prefer these varietals.

happy tailgating!

“I’ve Got 2 Tickets to Paradise” *

‘I’ve got two tickets in my pocket/

now baby, we're gonna disappear/

We've waited so long, waited so long/

I've got two tickets to paradise/

Won't you pack your bags, we'll leave tonight/

I've got two tickets to paradise!”

incidentally, this is what paradise looks like...

*la commish actually scored 3 tickets (the third one is for her mom) but that didn't go with the song....

Straight from the Pages of La Commish's (little black) Play Book

Eric Mangini (aka E to -mono.league-phreaders), newbie head coach of the ny jets

sunday's embarrassing new york jets loss to the jacksonville jaguars (41-0) creates morale problems this week for E and his boys. 2 weeks ago, they were beaten by the colts, but thanks mostly to some gutsy coaching by E, not to mention the fact that everyone knows peyton's manhood is uncontested territory in the NFL, fans and players alike had high hopes coming into last weekend's game. but the jets got trounced, and now new york wants some answers:

"Mangini took the analytical approach. Referring to the key plays in the defeat, he said, 'The seperation between success and failure on those plays could be as little as six inches.'

But six inches can add up to a mile, as the Jets discovered the hard way." *


tell me something i don't know, E. as for taking it analytically... i hope you're using protection.


-la commish, who wonders whether the jets also have trouble walking the day after "discovering things the hard way"

*ny daily news

A Football Musical in 4 Quarters

during the last tenessee titans/dallas cowboys game, dt (defensive tackle?) albert hayneworth infamously stomped on cowboy center andre gurod's face, which resulted in 30 stitches and the stiffest league penalty ever, imposed on haynesworth.

there.is.no.excuse. for stomping on someone's face (with cleats!) for no apparent reason. but what if there were a good reason?

1st quarter

where la commish meets a beautiful baby and agrees to teach him about the sexes and oh's.

2nd quarter

where after years of friendship and dating, things turn serious and he invites la commish to move to his city. but right before she's set to move, HE DISAPPEARS! "little pewee" ignores her on valentine's day, skips her birthday, and ultimately becomes the root cause for la commish's year-long near homelessness.

3rd quarter

where little peewee reappears after 7 months of silence and proceeds to leave late-night voicemails, texts, and the occasional e-mail filled with growing desperation (yet nary an apologetic note) as it slowly dawns on him that he's an unforgiveable no-talent and that he's been relegated to a life of minor league-ers.

4th quarter

where little peweee (who still doesn't get that he's lost the game) continues to make such a ninny of himself that la commish is forced to cancel her friday night dinner plans to have a chat with him. insert kick to face with cleat. deserved.

Moral of the Story

never ball a boy with a small pigskin.

Found: -mono.league- Headquarters

exerpt from today's TIMES dining section:

Free Food at Halftime

On Mondays at Oblivia, 201 Lafayette Street (Broome Street), where there are four flat screen television sets, free food is served at halftime during Monday night football.

Football Wishes and Commissioner Dreams

"the course of true love never did run smooth," as witnessed by the frenetic travel schedule of a woman in love....


OH (FOOT)BALLOCKS! ticketmaster.com is denying me the ablility to purchase tickets for this game online. but it's also not telling me that it's sold-out.... i will check ebay. keep your fingers crossed for me.
--------------------------------
Saturday, October 21:
Depart: 7:35pm Newark, NJ (EWR)
Arrive: 9:53pm evening
Indianapolis, IN Indianapolis International (IND)

Sunday, October 22:
4:15pm: COLTS VS WASHINGTON REDSKINS @ THE HOOSIER DOME!!

Monday, October 23:
Depart: 6:50am Indianapolis, Indiana (IND)
Arrive: 8:51am morning
Newark, NJ (EWR)

Must See TV: Friday Night Lights

tuesday is a day of no football games. [sad] so if you're home tonight at 8pm, tune into friday night lights on nbc, a new drama about high school football. [happy]

-la commish, whose dream dinner-and a-movie date would be restaurant daniel followed by grid iron gang

-mono.league- standings
...the tops and bottoms as we head into week 4 of play....

1st place - i [heart] derek jeter!
head coach: myron, currently on location in puerto rico
asst. coach: steelerfanxl, of the bensonhurst maniacal bulldogs
cheerleaders: her dad.

2nd place - last tackle in paris
head coach: nix
asst. coach: jdate.com
cheerleaders: dc_99listserv

3rd place - !steve holt!
head coach: la commish
asst. coach: the man behind the woman.
cheerleaders: the manning brothers

4th place - devil wears jerseys
head coach: no scrubs
asst. coach: nerdy but tough
cheerleaders: yale class of 2026

5th place - sporty spice
head coach: somber katz
asst. coach: sam malone
cheerleaders: jewish harlem tenants association

6th place - liz's ligers
head coach: kelly mcgillis
asst. coach: maverick
cheerleader: goose. i mean, gus!

7th place - the maniacal bulldogs
head coach: hey there, perfect...
asst. coach: maniacal lola
cheerleaders: the jets manleaders!

8th place - the cockblockers
head coach: tylenol overdose
asst. coach: the grim reaper
cheerleaders: the ghosts of football past, present & future

Playing by the Rules

this post is a direct response to the head coach of the maniacal bulldogs, who accused la commish of being a "rules" girl. as if. thanks to the triple threat of good genetics, orthodontia, and a winning personality, la commish makes her own rules!

but it did get her thinking....

The Rules, Football-ized for Her Pleasure:

rule #1 - "be a creature unlike any other."

(joey porter, pittsburgh steelers linebacker)

rule #2 - "show up to parties, dances, and social events even if you don't feel like it."

we could all take a lesson from (sometimes party pooper) terrell owens. he'd obviously rather be dead, but he still shows up and plays for the cowboys.

rule #3 - "it's a fantasy relationship unless a man asks you out."
fantasy relationship? (foot)bollocks! this is phantasy FOOTBALL, baby!!

rule #4 - "in an office romance, do not e-mail him back every time unless it is business related."
so THAT'S what was going on with the mangini-belichick freeze a couple of weeks ago...

rule #5 - "if you are in a long-distance relationship, he must visit you at least three times before you visit him."
what if it's a dysfunctional relationship and you never want to see him again? do you hear that, tom brady?

rule #6 - "when considering whether to use personal ads or other dating services, you should place the ad and let men respond to you."
or you could make witty and thought-provoking comments on a football blog.

rule #7: "if he does not call, he is not interested. period."
now that's unfair. peyton's just got a lot on his mind at this time of year, that's all....

rule #8: "close the deal. rules women do not date men for more than two years."
2 years??!! if my boys don't produce on a WEEKLY basis, they get traded for a higher-scoring player. and that goes for my phantasy football line-up as well....

rule #9: "Buyer beware-observe his behavior so that you do not end up up with mr. wrong."
ain't it the truth, bill parcells?

rule #10: "keep doing the rules even when things are slow."
sounds like the defensive strategy for the jets this year. didn't their mama's teach them that no man will respect you if they know they can score whenever they want to?


ta-da!
-la commish, who's spicy like hot sauce