la commish was forced to bench herself sunday afternoon in order to control the raging headache and vomitous tendencies brought on by a still-fuzzy pre-halloween saturday night of partying, rousing herself just in time to catch the kick-off for the cowboys/panthers game (cowboys kicked ass and heralded a new age of tony romo as qb). romo's successful quarterbacking was a hit with cowboys fans, not unlike the splash that la commish's naughty librarian halloween costume made with upper west siders.
in a hazy, aspirin-fueled daze, la commish once again considered decorating her new living room in dallas cowboy blues and lamented how closely set tony romo's eyes appeared.
as la commish settled in for the evening to watch the game, she felt something growing in the pit of her stomach. luckily, this time it wasn't all the alcohol she had consumed on god knows who's tab at the bar, but instead a flash of enlightenment as it began to dawn on her just how exactly football is played.
why, it's nothing more than an analogy for dating in new york city!!
leagueofourown’s guide to football terminology,
football-ized for her pleasure: (and in cowboy tights blue!)
simply put, the team with possession of the ball has 4 downs to move the ball 10 yards. if they don't achieve this, then possession of the ball is lost. (each down gets your team closer to the goalposts, which is where you score touchdowns.)
kind of like how la commish gives a new beau 4 dates to wine and dine her. if by the 4th date, said beau has failed to impress her, then she stops returning his calls and/or remembers a work deadline that is going to keep her RILLY BUSY for the next several weeks, if not months.
here are some commonly heard terms that will prove useful to phreaders:
*1st and 10:
wikipedia - first down with 10 yards to go for a new first down.
la commish: the first date. you are ever hopeful and the possibilities for scoring are endless. with any luck, things go well and you kiss at the end of a successful night, resulting in another first down, err date, but this time closer to scoring position. eventually, you want to find yourself in the endzone, scoring touchdowns all night long, and if you're lucky, he'll buy you brunch!
*2nd & 5th:
wikipedia: second down with 5 yards to go. similarly, 2nd and 10, 3rd and 2, etc.
la commish: 2nd date, no one's made a move yet. but you've had a decent time, dinner was good, some funny jokes were told, so you say what the hell and agree to a third date.
*3rd & long:
wikipedia: third down with an unspecified but significant distance to go. Often used as a metaphor for a desperate situation that demands risky actions be taken.
la commish: you're both pretty busy, have been forced to string the dates along for an inordinate amount of time, momentum is lacking...this is a last ditch attempt to initiate something with a decent guy you wouldn't mind getting to know better, though you know that the timing is lousy and probably working against the future of this relationship. expensive gifts sometimes (most often fruitlessly) come into play at this point. it's a long shot, but stranger things have happened. (like the 3 months la commish spent in hong kong with that idiot middle-manager....)
another way to look at it: you're lloyd dobler. you've got one chance with diane court at the biggest party of the year. you know you might never see her again. this is you holding up your boombox and blasting peter gabriel.
*4th down:
nfl.com: if the offense reaches fourth down, it usually punts the ball (kicks it away). This forces the other team to begin its drive further down the field.
la commish: maybe he wore birkenstocks on one of your dates. answered a call from his mother in the middle of dinner. was intolerably rude to the waitstaff. whatever. at this point, you’ve completely given up, so you punt him (aka kick him to the curb). You make sure you kick him as far away as possible so as to assure that he never comes near you again.
*4th and inches:
you’re like jim in the office. (sigh) it’s the final attempt. you went for it on the 3rd down and got denied, but you’re so close to getting your ten yards that you try one last time. if you don’t get it, you’re heartbroken and left in a vulnerable situation (you’re giving your opponent the ball with good field positioning), which means you might have to transfer to the connecticut branch of dunder mifflin. if you get it, angels sing, the heavens align, and you score another first down (or in jim's case, his first date with pam.)
see, understanding football is easier than finding a drunk i-banker to buy you drinks at a midtown bar on a thursday night!
also look for upcoming TENETS OF FOOTBALL, in which la commish analyzes the phallic symbolism of the touchdown goal posts....
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