Fumbling Towards Ecstasy:
Lessons in Love and Football

Words that Begin with the Letter C

while unpacking this weekend, la commish came across one of her all-time favorite quotes, culled from the innocent tarriances with literature of her youth:

"in the heart of a woman for whom no place is home, the thought of an end to all flight is unbearable." (milan kundera, the unbearable lightness of being)

time and experience have shown la commish that, alas, there are other, equally unbearable things to despise in this world. (for example, evil #12.) but there is one thing that la commish has grown to despise above most things. so much so, that she can barely even say the word. utter it in her presence and watch her cringe as if nails were being dragged down a chalkboard. those close to la commish recognize that the mere mention of this word acts as her personal kryptonite. unable to even type it, la commish offers it instead in football terms by way of sesame street:

COLTS + HUDDLE = YUCK

of late, however, yours truly has succumbed to peer pressure and engaged in some of this above-mentioned behavior. which she grudgingly admits, is not as deviant as she has always believed it be. the fact that she did not explode and/or die from participating in the activity in question stands as a testament to its occasional non-yuckiness. which got la commish thinking... if her personal kryptonite turned out to be kinda cool, what other things anathema to her universe might not be so bad?

la commish decided to once and for all delve into the imponderable mysteries of the x's and o's.[official note from leagueofourown: always use protection when pondering the x's and o's.] so she bought herself a book which explained the rules to football, flipped through it and got a little scared, consequently calling upon a close friend and football expert (today's guest analyst whose name coincidentally begins with the letter 'c') who had this to say:

"The difference between the offense and the defense is simple. The offense is responsible for producing point for the team, and the defense is responsible for stopping the other team from scoring.
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The most important position on the offense is the quarterback. He is the field coach. The running back and wide receiver come next in importance. The running game, if effective, makes it easier for the quarterback to pass the ball to receivers. The tight end and full back play more of a blocking role on most plays to help make the running game more successful. Good full backs and tight ends are hard to come by. The tight end can also catch pass when not blocking. The full back can run the ball or catch passes in short yardage situations. Last but not least, without the offensive line to protect the quarterback and block on run and pass plays, there would be no offense at all.

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The most important position on the defense is the middle linebacker, he's the defensive coach on the field and also calls plays from the field in hurry-up situations. There are three linebackers on most normal defensive sets, though of course there are exceptions. The key to a successful defense in the NFL is the ability to stop the run of the opposing offense. Stopping the run forces the other team to rely on the passing game; this makes an offense 1-dimensional and easier to defend. also, good defensive backs or corner backs are needed to cover tall speedy wide receivers. These guys are responsible for stopping the offense from passing the ball. Normally there are 2 of these guys to defensive set. This is the rarest position in football. It's hard to find people that have world-class speed, at least 6ft. tall and can cause interceptions when thrown their way. There are only a hand full of great Defensive backs in the NFL, and most defensive backs are under 6ft. tall. The safety position is the last line of defense if the defensive back or linebacker cannot stop any given play. There are 2 types, free safety and strong safety. The free safety tends to watch out for helping cover wide receivers in double team or deep pass situations. The strong safety tends to keep his eye on the running back if the linebackers need additional help bringing down a speedy-strong running back. Finally, the defensive lineman are responsible for putting pressure on the quarterback and stopping the run, very tough job for very tough men.

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Overall, without the offensive and defensive linemen the is no football to be played. These are truly the most important aspects of the game. These guys are often overlooked. they normally do not score any points nor do they win awards that are talked about outside of football. These people are the coach's favorite, even though they have a reputation for not being paid millions."

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so that's it. one of the universe's little mysteries unraveled. now you know what thoughts will be running through la commish's head if you're ever a man lucky enough to colts huddle with her. hopefully, she won't slip up and call you peyton.... *

*unless you happen to in fact BE peyton, in which case she will call you big daddy.