Dear Sports Illustrated: *

la commish has been been reading SI like it's the latest harry potter installment. last week's issue contained an article entitled "table types," an uber-masculine guide to recognizing the different personalities that tend to populate your average fantasy football league. well, the vagina -mono.league- is NOT your garden-variety league. don't come looking for testerone-filled bashings of each other's manhoods here. instead watch out for the following players...

the holly go-lightly
probably didn't know much about football until now, other than it distracted the men in her life from giving her their full attention. but now that she's been bitten by the football bug, she's in in to win it, even it causes embarrassment now and then on account of her all-too-frequent football faux pas. these don't rilly bother her much, because she knows that they know that she's still cute, and while everyone is busy laughing at her antics, she's busy boning up on football stats and sizing up her competition. if she can keep up the initial intensity, she'll be a trash-talking football machine come play-off time, but since she not-so-secretly got into this as a way to meet boys, watch for her to fumble now and then when she's too busy playing the field to keep tabs of her boys ON the field.
celebrity doppelganger: jessica simpson

the girlfriend of the overprepared egghead
when the girl with the biggest shoe collection in the league all of a sudden starts spouting off statistics and giggling her way through trash talk, you know something is fishy. two wrongs don't make a right when you start receiving phantasy football-related hate mail from her boyfriend. she'll be a contender if she trusts her own insticts and the gods of football smile her way.
celebrity doppelganger: katie holmes

the ugly one
for every pretty girl, there's always an ugly friend. in her case, the draft is like valentine's day: while everyone else is ooh-ing and ahh-ing about their great picks, she'll stay silent instead of admitting that she got a kicker in the second round. but ugly ducklings often turn into swans, so with a little luck and a lot of improvement, she may break away from the shadow of other, sexier teams and score in the end, like the heroine of every teen movie ever made.
celebrity doppelganger: nicole ritchie

the ex-cheerleader
actually knows the rules to the game, and probably has lots of jealousy-inducing anecdotes that include many a big ten keg party. tends to smile benevolently at other, lesser beings who spent their formative years in the marching band. has the knowledge and connections to assemble a winning team, but her personal trained-butt will still get called fat by others who used to fantasize about kicking her ass with their clarinets.
celebrity doppelganger: angelina jolie

the new mom
the new mom finds herself in a position of power. unlike the new dad, for whom fantasy football may be viewed as childish and sophomoric, the new mom is ripe for the intellectual challenge that is preparing a winning phatasy football league team. plus she has tons of time to strategize during the 3 am breast-feeds. if she can keep her priorities straight (football first, family second) the newly acquired killer mama instinct may squelch the opposition and prove that mother knows best.
celebrity doppelganger: michelle williams


* this post is written ENTIRELY as a response to the SI article. any similarities to vagina -mono.league- phfreaders (phantasy football readers) is purely coincidental.