If You're Not First, You're Last

...where la commish imagines herself as the coach of other, lesser, teams....

If la commish were the coach of I HEART DEREK JETER*:

she would go to a bar looking tawdry and bedraggled (the loser-ista look of choice), get sloshed on white zinfandel, sleep with someone much uglier than herself in order to gain the validation she lacks in the -mono.league- on account that her team's suckiness extends to infinity and beyond, then cry herself to sleep.

luckily, la commish has a fabulous team spearheaded by peyton manning so she sleeps soundly, content in the knowledge that pey-baby is so tough, he's the only known human being who could withstand a nuclear attack.


*this is purely a hypothetical exercise, for la commish would've killed herself the instant she found herself helming the shinking ship that is the team I HEART DEREK JETER.