Misguided Loyalty

don't ask me why i still have t.o. in my starting line-up. for old's time sake?
too busy to blog about this myself, but my buddy over the sports truth did it justice....

http://www.thesportstruth.com/2006/12/terrell-owens-a-spitting-image.html

Always the Back-Up QB, Never the Bride

so much wonderment in the world of love and football these days. first and most importantly, la commish's prospects for this month have recently taken a turn for the better. she will not share details, as they are enough to make even the trollops who read this blog blush. suffice it say, la commish is a naughty girl. punish her accordingly.

secondly, having absolutely no time to research football stats for her phreaders, la commish must cull the contents for this blog from other areas of interest, mainly her personal life.

as anyone who lives in new york and follows football surely knows, coach tom coughlin is in a revolving door that won't stop, one exit being an extension of contract and another the unemployment office. well, should anyone feel the need to offer the head coach position to la commish, who is all about nurturing and caring for a locker room full of men whose bodies are machines, she would have to gracefully decline. for la commish has already accepted the position of maid of honor for her dear friend and former college roommate sara (who is referenced by name because she-misguidedly-did not accept la commish's offer to play in the -vagina mono-league- and therefore does not have a fabulous team name. ) this position makes la commish feel not only popular, but the MOST popular!

maid of honor, bitches! you know what that means? i've got first pick on the groomsmen!...

in a recent conversation with leaguofourown's favorite west coast correspondent, la commish had the chance to talk a little football with him (when they weren't comparing numbers.) turns out, the back-up quarterback is a senior position on the team. his job is to help coach the quarterback and keep him informed on what he needs to know. which seems counter-intuitive to la commish (the fact that your back-up, who is ostensibly vying for your position, is supposed to watch your back) but no one ever said football is a game that makes sense.

so sarah, i publicly take this moment to cheerlead for your upcoming nuptials and promise that come game time (err, wedding day) your back-up qb is gonna be right there with you. and i promise not to dump a freezing cooler of ice water over your head when the ceremony is over. (though i'll be tempted...)

la commish (l.) during her college gangsta days with the bride-to-be.

if la commish were a rich women, she would shower them with real estate and season tickets.....

Phoning One In

very similarly to the colts' level of play last sunday (listen peyton, you can beg off once in a while, but don't make it a habit 'cause a girl's got needs) today's post will be an exercise in the adage "90% of life is showing up." coach mangini's summer training camp for the jets has got nothing come holiday time in the retail industry. therefore, la commish is tired and cranky, so don't expect any literary touchdowns today.

last sunday's cliff notes highlights

the jets: lost on sunday. play-off contention suddenly bleak. sucks.
the giants: won on sunday. none of the players cried. yay!
the cowboys: lost on sunday. finally.
the colts: read intro paragraph, but we'll see who's laughing come superbowl time.
the hatriots: blow-out! giggle at their misfortune. ('blow-out' is a football term that signifies they didn't score once. kind of like la commish this month. a lot of "personal" practice time is therefore in order for them both.)
the steelers: won on sunday. solid.
the 49'-ers: [censored, for his pleasure.]

now would be a good time to share something that the head coach of DEVIL WEARS JERSEYS passed on to me several weeks ago during one of our training sessions in riverside park (read: pushing her stroller through the park while she dotes on baby and i dote on cute passerbys):

there are offices where the following 2 types of sites are made unavailable for employee viewing: porn and phantasy football.

OH MY GOD!! where are these places of employment and why do people still work at them???!!!!! la commish takes pesonal umbridge at this corporate tactic to keep a brother (or sister) down, as the intersection where porn, football, and phantasy connect is exactly where leaguofourown camps out with their thumbs in the air, looking for a ride....

speaking of fearsome....scary giant jeremy shockey recently told the press, "december is the most important month in football." (note to phreaders: i actually have no idea if he said that. i think he did, and it starts off my next paragraph quite nicely, so i'll leave it in. if any giant has libel issues to take up with me, i can be found at the marshmellow, located in crown heights, brooklyn, represent. * ) when other blogs go on vacation, (like dan from the daily dump who recently re-appeared at [redacted] http://redactedblog.blogspot.com/) they ask guest bloggers over for some tea and conversation. leaugofourown, trailblazer that she is, hangs alone, elusive and mysterious. the point: if anything of relevance happens in the next month, be sure and contact la commish personally so that she can set her ph-f team accordingly. (tips are helpful as la commish doesn't know how to cheat on yahoo football.)

la commish will now keel over onto her laptop and wonders how long it will take for customers to notice, turn native, and eventually take over the store.





*la commmish finds it impossible to utter the name of the fine burrough of brooklyn without immediately following it with 'represent!' which sometimes makes for awkward moments with cabbies. very similarly, la commish can't say the name 'tom brady' without tacking on 'BLOWS!' must be some vestigial skill that humans once possessed to recognize the extremes of greatness and suckiness....

Football Free Association

running out the clock: waiting out a relationship that’s gone sour in in the hopes he’ll get the hint and go away

fumble: accidentally calling a boy by the wrong name and/or texting the wrong person about your date later that evening

special teams: who you call when your 1st or 2nd choice are busy

half-back: only one of you scores
full-back: everyone scores!

safety: breathmint and a condom

rookie: good kisser, but never knows when to bring flowers

pro-bowl: la commish’s most beloved exes, were they all to converge under one glorious roof

running back: what anyone foolish enough to leave la commish eventually does

defensive end: sure he SWEARS that he’s straight, but methinks he doth protest too much….

linebacker: he rilly DOES have the fabulous apartment and accroutements he bragged about

wide receiver: what his slutty new girlfriend is

Who Is John Heisman?

a question not be "shrugged"* off, conveniently answered in today's times.
http://www.nytimes.com/2006/12/08/sports/ncaafootball/08heisman.html?_r=1&ref=sports&oref=slogin

here is a funny exerpt from the article, proving that the greats always a sense of humour:

Heisman, standing before his players when he first met them, would hold aloft a football and ask, “What is this?”
Answering his own question, Heisman said: “It is a prolate spheroid in which the outer leather casing is drawn tightly over a somewhat smaller rubber tubing.”
Heisman would pause and add: “Better to have died as a small boy than to fumble this football.”

*the worst literary pun ever made

My Michael Scott Moment

so la commish was talking on the phone last night with a musician she met recently. he was telling her about his doctor's visit because he broke a finger playing touch football in central park last weekend. (hot) anyways, he tells her that his doctor says he may never play again.

this gets la commish going on a 5 minute long monologue about donavan mcnabb and his recent season-ending injury. then she realized, her musician plays a stringed instrument. and that his doctor was talking about not playing MUSIC again.

crickets.

la commish broods today; football was supposed to HELP her love life, not alienate those who might be a part of it!

"you look rather exotic. was your father a g.i.?"

putting that particular converastional gem aside, espn.com has an interesting article online about phantasy football and some NFL players' takes on it: (http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/columns/story?columnist=garber_greg&id=2684942)

la commish's qb peyton is written up as "the most successful fantasy quarterback. Through the first eight seasons of his career, he averaged better than 30 touchdown passes per season." whhheeeee!!!

as phantasy football becomes bigger and bigger, proponents cite it as a way for fans to get to know players on a more individual basis and a way to get people more involved in the game. opponents of ph-f however, complain that it breaks down team allegiance because fans are now more likely to cheer for would-be nemeses by virtue of their ph-f team. where la commish stands on the controversy: anything that will get her laid is a good, good thing.

sports illustrated published a fan letter several months back that described phantasy football as the pet rock of the new millenium. whoever wrote this obviously didn't have a phantasy qb who scores as much as petyon. now if la commish could only get him to score WITH her and not just FOR her....

la commish's phantasy position: between a rock and peyton's hard place.

Strumpets and Trollops....

the girls who went down this week:
!steve holt!
liz's ligers
devil wears jerseys
last tackle in paris

the girls who liked it on top:
maniacal bulldogs
i [heart] derek jeter
the cockblockers
sporty spice


it's quarterfinal time ladies! bring your best game and prepare to play....

So Much to Blog, So Little Time...

work is tackling la commish from her blind side this month, so no promises on the continuity of the posts for the next several weeks (not that there were any promises before, as la commish is not an easy woman to pin down. unless you're peyton manning and you somehow made it out to crown heights to suprise la commish with flowers and a home-cooked brunch. he can pin her down all he wants....)

the following vignette found here (http://weblogs.newsday.com/sports/football/jets/blog/) is yet another gem from whitney houston-loving jet jerricho cotchery, who has made previous blog appearances here at leagueofourown:

"WR Jerricho Cotchery had a funny observation about his life as a starting receiver this season as opposed to his first two years coming off the bench and playing mostly special teams: “I get a lot more handshakes after the game, a lot of ‘Good game, Cotch.’ Before that I was just looking for someone that I knew.”

don't forget your -vagina mono.league- fans, cotch! we've been following you for, well, not that long, but still....

Guess the Caption!

1) how la commish’s sisters feel about her after the thanksgiving post.

2) what the new york giants will say to the press if they lose to the cowboys this sunday, right before staging a mutiny on coach coughlin and burning eli manning in effigy

3) what the general sentiment from the NYPD to unarmed black men in queens is

4) how la commish feels about hater #12

5) michael vick, atlanta falcons qb, reacting to angry falcons fan after their 4th consecutive loss last sunday, to the saints. amount of fine imposed for his action by the NFL: $20,000.

bet he was making the EXACT SAME gesture when he signed that check...

the new york giants are in such a state of current disarray that la commish wasn't sure where to begin describing that mess to her loyal phreaders. always keen to place football within wider, more understandable realms, la commish compares the giants to her charming and lovable, yet often dysfunctional family....

If La Commish's Thanksgiving

Had Been at Giants Stadium:

la commish's baby sister, as played by giants running back tiki barber: you hear "whaa, whaa, whaaa" and then they leave

at the end.

the much maligned middle sister, as portrayed by giants head coach tom coughlin: erratic, prickly & tempremental, apt to go off on a whim and to make players cry.

la commish's mother, who decided NOT to come to thanksgiving this year, played by wide receiver plaxico burress, he who is now famous for giving up in the middle of disastrous plays that aren't worth his effort. [see: staying in indiana (my mother) and not bothering with a 'my-unathletic-friend-jason-who-throws-like-a-girl-could've thrown-a-better' pass from manning during the soul-deadening giants loss against the tennessee titans last week (plaxico).]

la commish, as interpreted by giants quarterback eli manning, the bumbling, well-meaning “head” of the team who in actuality lost control early on. good thing they’ve both got their looks to fall back on.










john, the innocent 'why-am-i-dating-into-this-family?' bystander, is acted by a surprisingly quiet (at the moment) giants tight end jeremy schockey. a team player, he just wants everyone to get along and to make a turkey (out of the cowboys next weekend.)









and last, but not least....

lola, the maniacal bulldog, who this week has much in common with defensive end michael strahan, the giant most likely to attack members of the press.

oops. almost forgot the family patriarch, aka giants GM ernie accorsi. they may not be directly involved in the weekly head-to-heads, but they rule from on high and pray for the best (that their respective teams don't kill each other and that they don't have to fire anyone this year...)

What Do the Following Two Have in Common?

dwight schrute: what was your mile time?
toby: about seven.
dwight schrute: i could beat that on a skateboard.
toby: well, that has wheels.
dwight schrute: yeah, well, my feet don't. and i could still crush that time.










plaxico burress (giants wr): "he wouldn't have made that play if he was on a skateboard." (about cowboys saftety roy williams)

Football is All Around Us:

Guilty Pleasures

since cablevision brooklyn doesn't feel the need to provide monday night NFL to lowly basic cable subscribers like la commish, she has turned to other sources on mondays to get her football on.

enter CW sitcom the game, conveniently aired at the 9:30 time slot to set up studio 60. (la commish would love to make a sports themed reference here about how one hands off to the other, but falls shy due to insufficient knowledge of terminology. the sentiment is there, anyways.)

how can she spin this to make it sound intellectual and worthwhile as opposed to highlighting that it's a girlfriends spin-off with not much redeeming value save for the fact that the boys in the show are cute?

by descrbing it as an american take with an urban (read: black) twist on the bbc america series footballer's wives?

doubtful.

-la commish, who worries not about the pot but about the CW killing her brain cells

Always A Bledsoe, Never a Bride

poor drew bledsoe, the currently benched quarterback for the dallas cowboys. things started out so well: as #1 draft pick by the new england hatriots back in '93, the future was bright and the world was his oyster. but then, internal bleeding in a 2001 game against the giants forced him to sit out. his back up qb, tom brady (aka hater #12), went on to win 3 superbowls in his position.

then traded to the buffalo bills, of late bledsoe has been seen with the cowboys, where he got back together with his former hatriots coach bill parcells. but proving once again why getting back together with an ex is never a good idea, parcells decided to move on and 5 games ago replaced drew with the current cowboys flavor of the month, tony romo.

thunder stealer tony romo, dallas cowboys qb (r.)

quarterback-come-lately tony romo, in typical new squeeze fashion, has turned the cowboys around and put them in contention for an NFC east championship. (ed. note: it sucks when the new girlfriend is prettier than you, doesn't it?) during yesterday's thanksgiving day victory against the tampa bay buccaneers, romo threw five touchdowns, completing 9 of 10 passes in the 2nd half and earning himself comparisons to previous greats like troy aikman.

brokenhearted qb drew bledsoe:

"on my own/once again/this wasn't how it was supposed to be...."

all’s fair in life and love. but especially, in football....

Ding, Dong! The Witch is Dead!

sadly (for the philadelphia eagles and phantasy football fans everywhere) their cutie qb donovan mcnabb went down during sunday's game against the titans. a torn ACL (the same affliction which back in the day took out la commish's high school quarterback and homecoming king) will keep him on the puppy list for the rest of the season. sigh. this should've been a big year for him. leagueofourown is sad to see him go and wishes him a happy and speedy recuperation.

fit for a queen(lyd):

donovan throwing, before injuring his ACL on sunday.

leagueofourown IS happy, however, for one reason. mcnabb's season-ending injury means that i [heart] derek jeter's reign of terror has been contained, at least in reference to the vagina -mono.league.- look for wild cards the maniacal bulldogs to make a championship run in the final weeks, not to mention steady #2 last tackle in paris.

a picture of the head coach of i [heart] derek jeter

la commish (l.) next to the wicked witch of the midwest and her mother (r.) at the hoosier dome.

speaking of mothers: check out www.mamamcnabb.com.

you can trust a man who does right by his mother....

First Colts Loss of the Season

(to the Cowboys, 21-14 last Sunday)

peyton, sweetie:

don't worry about it! you were probably just tired. and you've been under a tremendous amount of stress lately. it's just one game. to be honest, i didn't feel like winning either. just being together during sunday afternoon football is enough sometimes.

trust me. it happens to ALL the quarterbacks...

Twins!

one of the better parts of living in manhattan is the possibility of spotting a celebrity at any moment. every new yorker has a dream celebrity sighting, the star who would be the icing on the not-so-tasty cake (of high rents, crowded subways, and too many tourists taking up valuable sidewalk space) that is the modern urban existence.

la commish has long nursed the possibility of walking into the bathroom of a downtown club and spotting la lindsay. presumably on all fours in front of a toilet spewing her coked up lungs out and in need of a friend to hold her hair, rub her back and whisper "there, there." (it could happen.)

a close second would be an olsen sighting. but they apparently do not frequent the same watering holes as la commish for she had yet to add this particular feather in her new york cap. until last sunday!

who should breeze by la commish & company at the entrance of the downtown williams-sonoma? (after the sports-viewing debacle that was attempting to enter jim, the gay sports bar of chelsea, in the company of self-hating queers who objected to a very hetero yours truly enjoying the eagles game without worry of getting hit on.) none other than mary-kate olsen!

below are la commish's observations of m-k, play-by-play…

--she looks JUST LIKE she does in the tabloids. way too skinny, stringy hair, and weirdly outfitted.

-la commish was dismayed to discover that in her stiletto booties, m-k was in fact taller than la commish.

-on the weight issue (moral quandary about judging a woman based on her weight aside): to quote a fellow onlooker, "when she turns sideways, she looks like a subway pole." the girl is S-K-I-N-N-Y!

the spectacular m-k sighting was enough to lead another of la commish's gay companions to comment that for a girl worth upwards of 3 billion dollars, he would happily turn straight. la commish was forced to admit that (keeping in mind her current visa bill) she would forsake her heterosexuality for a lot less.

as synonymous as the olsen twins are to the nyu-cum-celebutante downtown scene, there's another set of twins that la commish would much rather whore her sexuality to. that would be the barber twins, tiki and ronde. if there were ever a pair of NFL brothers who could reduce la commish to a shakepseare love sonnet-quoting puddle of mush (well, after eli & petyon) it would likely be ronde and tiki.

football eye candy.

what a sight to behold. why, tiki's biceps alone are enough to make la commish's eye glaze over for a couple of seconds. they're as big as her waist!!

history, which has a funny way of repeating itself (though not necessarily in football, eh steelers? doesn't look the reigning superbowl champs will make a repeat trip this year, making la commish's purchase of the ben reothlisberger jersey a regrettable fashion decision.) beginning with the famous biblical brothers cain and abel, there has always been a good sibling and a bad sibling. here is the latest example:

The Good Twins:

ashley olsen
affiliation: new york university

Status: billionairess

Goals: to graduate college and conquer lower manhattan in the name of olsen

tiki barber

Affiliation: new york giants running back

status: wife ginny, 2 young sons

goals: retire at the end of this season and take up golf, sports commentating

The bad twins:

ronde barber

affiliation: corner back for the tampba bay buccaneers

status: wife claudia and 2 young daughters

why he is bad: 20 lbs heavier than his brother, not to mention more heterosexual-seeming. plus five tattoos.

mary-kate olsen

affiliation: she belongs to the world.

status: a penchance for paris hilton cast-offs

why she is bad: college drop-out. skinny crystal meth afficionada. need we say more?

and if that good twin/bad twin dichotomy is not enough…

teammates: feel-good children's book about sports that teaches young ones about teamwork, setting goals, and having fun! written by the barbers.

switching goals: feel-good tween movie about sports that teaches young ones about teamwork, setting goals, and having fun! starring the olsens.

Best Friends Forever?

for those of you who live under a rock and hadn't heard, the new york jets TROUNCED the new england hatriots last sunday at gillette stadium. (god obviously heeded the prayers of la commish.) the two teams, never that friendly to begin with, are now mortal enemies thanks to the mischief-making of their respective head coaches.

"i don't like you!"

hatriots coach bill belichick very blatantly snubbed his former assistant, barely looking at him as they shook hands after E's gang green victory.

come on boys: if paris and hilton can kiss and make up, why can't you?

.

Boys Gone Wild!

in a move stolen from the albert hayneworth playbook, witness the nfl's newest delinquents, oakland raider tyler brayton and seattle seahawk jeremy stevens.

brayton (left) was fined $25,000 while stevens (right) was fined $15,000 for this altercation which occured during last monday's game.

what could've led the boys to throw down, manhood a manhood? la commish is guessing lover's quarrel...

Would You Take Phantasy Football Advice from this Man?

no, because he's dead. and would most likely send your entire offense to vietnam. history is repeating itself. la commish, who firmly believes in keeping the boys out of a now meaningless war that we'll never win (so that they may fight for all we hold dear here on the homefront--life, liberty, and the pursuit of a colts superbowl win!), offers the following advice to her competitors on how best to stack your ph-f. teams for this weekend, utilizing our hometown boys, the giants....(take special note, last tackle in paris....):

amani toomer, all time leading receiver for the giants (la commish should be so lucky as "receive" amani into her homefront) looks to be a solid scorer going into this weekend's league play. a fine addition to any ph-f. team matched against la commish....

other giants to root for this weekend:

wr plaxico burress

lb carlos emmons

cb sam madison

wr sinorice moss

lb brandon short

Good luck, to all ph-f. competitors - our season is halfway over!

may the better woman win....

the better woman (l.) pictured here with rival head coach sporty spice

Life of Blog:
So Many Blogs, So Little Time...

la commish realized pretty immediately after posting her last entry that in phantasy football it would be impossible to draft michael strahan because he's a de (defensive something), each phantasy football team being comprised of 7 offensive players, a kicker, and a defense. so in google pursuit of equally astounding offensive players for her opponents to fill their rosters with, she accidentally tumbled into the welcoming internet arms of http://www.thesportstruth.com/2006/11/tony-romo-pines-for-jessica-simpson.html.

then, waiting in the wings to offer sartorial advice to scary steeler joey porter, she ran into http://www.themightymjd.com/.

though their priorities include other non-football related sports (quel beasts!), these 2 blogs are worthy of some qt time with leagueofourown. after all, there's no such thing as a perfect man (though the little man below comes close)... only the perfect manning!

la commish, working her magic on yet another doting admirer, the heir to the LIZ'S LYGERS phantasy football throne.