Football is All Around Us:
(The first in a series)

never let it be said that your commish is not looking out for you (though she does plan to annihilate come superbowl time). i accidentally stumbled upon (quite literally, after 2 1/2 jack & gingers) a very important reason why girls should know football:

BOUNCERS AT BARS LIKE FOOTBALL.

say you're outside a bar enjoying the fine night with a friend and a cigarette. chances are, there is a big scary man perched on a stool staring at you. instead of shying away or making obsequious conversation, this is the perfect opportunity to try out your newfound knowledge of the greatest game in the world (after sailing, tennis & european soccer.)

la commish's top five tips on talking football with the bouncer:

5.) bouncers offer a great slice of new york life (barring the ones that make headlines for offing their patrons) so sticking with the local boys is a safe and healthy option.

the new york jets:
-colors are green & white
-head coach: eric mangini
-some key players:
chad pennington (quarterback) - currently competing with hopefuls patrick ramsey, brooks bollinger and the rookie kellen clemens, though pennington played qb in the jets first pre-season game
Laveranues coles (wide receiver) - pennington's go-to guy with the great smile
curtin martin (running back) - not just a solid ball player, but one of esquire magazine's 2004 best dressed whose paramours include toni braxton & michelle williams of destiny's child
jon vilma (linebacker)

-jets season outlook: a new first-time head coach and a quarterback coming back from having injured his rotator cuff. they'll probably suck...

the new york giants:
-colors are red, blue & gray
head coach: tom coughlin
-key players:
eli manning (quarterback) - i'll elaborate on eli later, as my fascination with the manning brothers knows no bounds
tiki barber (running back) - la commish & tiki, sitting in tree.....
michael strahan (defensive end)
lavar arrington (linebacker) - if you go out for drinks with him, let him pay. they just picked him up as a free agent for MILLIONS!

-giants season outlook: your guess is as good as mine.

both new york teams play out of the same stadium in the meadowlands. bet that's awkward.

4.) if a bouncer happens to sport a jersey, you can cut the preliminary chitchat and go straight to the player on his back. delicacy is in order, for "that peyton sure is a hottie" probably won't fly as well as "that peyton sure can throw the ball."

3.) if you don't know, don't pretend. but nodding (and seeming like you know) go a long way, especially if you're feeling particularly cute that night. asking questions is a good way to keep a conversation flowing:
-"did you catch the last [insert team here] game? how'd we do?"
-"what's the score? do you think [insert team here] will win? (applicable if there's a nearby big-screen showing the game)
-"what do the x's and o's stand for?"

2.) casually comment to your bouncer how they have the physique of a pro nfl-er and ask them if they play. what man wouldn't be flattered? (this must be the male equivalent of being mistaken for a model.) plus, what better way to figure out the different positions than from someone who's played them? that's the kind of first-hand knowledge you won't get from your typical i-banker at an upper west side bar (not to belittle all my gorgeous lovelies out there hitting the links).

1.) to borrow from one of Big Brother's more genius commercials: if you can't pronounce the name of tui alailefaleula (jets defensive tackle) you are too drunk. have the bouncer hail you a cab and get yourself home before you puke like a frat boy all over the nice man's shoes.