Sistas Tellin' It Like It Is (Listen Up, Brett Favre!*)

You Suck! Doh!


It's an age old story-

Things are peachy and the world is your oyster. Fireworks, flower, romance,
TOUCHDOWN!

December 2003, Vikings vs. Raiders-One day after his father passes away, Favre scores 4 touchdowns and totals 399 yards. After the victory, he dedicates the game to his dad, assuring his American golden boy legacy.

But sooner or later, the other football drops. Whether it's a midlife crisis, some hoochie trollop, or what any single New Yorker recognizes as the inevitable cycle of Manhattan dating, eventually off they go.

March 2008-Favre breaks down in man tears when he officially announces his retirement from the Green Bay Packers, with whom he played 16 seasons, winning 3 consecutive MVP awards & 1 Super Bowl ring. He also notably started every Packers game from September 20, 1992 to January 20, 2008. "I know I can play, but I don't think I want to. And that's really what it comes down to." Ahem, this is his FIRST retirement, after 2 seasons worth of speculation.

You're all alone.

It takes a while to find your bearings and just when you're starting to smile and regain your equilibrium, they come back like dogs with their tail between their legs.

July 29, 2008-Favre formally files for reinstatement with the NFL, charging that he was "guilty of retiring early," and that he was "never fully committed."

“Mmm hmm! We’ve heard that one before. He’s a dog!”

And then it happens all over again.

August 2008-Favre is traded to New York and plays one season for the Jets. He sure does get around these days….

And again.

They never learn.

I mean, are they born stupid or does society grow them that way?

2009-Present-Favre takes his skanky self off to play for the Minnesota Vikings.

“What am I doing? I am rilly f#*cking up la commish’s phantasy football team. I should just kill myself.”

Ladies, look deep into your hearts:
You know the truth.

“You gotta send that ex-packer packing, can I get an amen!”

First time done wrong, shame on him. Every losing game after that, shame on you...

* Brett's middle name is Lorenzo. Ha!

Fairytale Beginnings

what kind of man interrupts a good nap? schmuck.

The way the story usually goes, a girl waits around in a fog for her prince to come kiss her and whisk her away (say to a gorgeous white-glove doorman highrise apartment with an 18th floor city view & a balcony bigger than pretty much anyplace else she's ever lived, with a washer/dryer AND a spare room) and they live happily every after. Except that sometimes the girl comes to find that what she thought was the fairytale ending was merely a brief respite from the outer borroughs and she finds herself living by her wits yet again.

C'est la vie-one man's loss is another man's pleasure! la commish is unleashed on the city yet again! And not a moment too soon. There are so many girlfriends to catch up with, bottles of wines to consume, and opponents to annihilate. Oh yes, it's phantasy football season and the game is more on than ever.

May the odds be ever in your favor...

Bad Boys Drool

la commish recently came across across the following quote by evolutionary expert david buss:

“because women in our evolutionary past risked enormous investment as a consequence of having sex, evolution favored women who were highly selective about their mates.”

highly. selective. about. their mates. (or else they died!)

lord knows that at times, la commish has been more selective of what's being tevo'ed than of her arm candy. which of course, got her thinking – what happens when ladies of the vm-l are not as highly selective as they could and ought to be?

meet the top 5 mistakes of the week. (better your phantasy football team than your love lives, ladies.) let’s keep our eyes out for stinkers, shall we?


#1 plaxico burress, new york giant #17, wide receiver
for those of who have been living under a rock (or away from the glare of the new york post headlines) this eli manning go-to & catcher of last year’s superbowl winning pass put a bullet in his own leg last week.

which is what anyone with any decency should have done to themselves after wearing sweatpants at the midtown nightclub latin quarter.

the last man i took seriously who wore sweatpants was my junior high tennis coach. Shame on you, plaxico!

2. michael vick, formerly of the altanta falcons, currently with the u.s. penitentiary in leavenworth, kansas

Prison, doggie style!

3. pacman jones, dallas cowboy #21, corner back

suspended from the entire 2007 season after a las vegas strip club shooting incident. also known for gambling, spitting on and punching women, along with a laundry list of other naughtiness.

4. bill belichick, head coach new england hatriots

...aka mr. sex, lies and videotype

5. t.o. cowboy #81, wide receiver

though he’s been quiet as of late, so mostly on the list because of the general acknowledgment that he's loony tunes. and also because la commish can’t think of anyone else to round out the list.

Dating Tips from Tom Brady

As the old adage goes, “keep your friends close and your enemies closer.” last night’s game between 2 undefeated teams served as a painful reminder that tom brady IS enemy #1. rather than dwell on the hatriots victory over the colts (hey, even darth vader won a few before the dark side went down) now is a time to regroup, focus, and strategize.

while slut-about-town tom brady (count 1 baby, 1 baby mama, & 1 model girlfriend) may not be the ideal poster boy for stable relationships, there is certainly a thing or 2 we can learn from his playing career.

hatey-brady began his pro football career inauspiciously. not 1, not 2, not 3, not 4, not 5, not 6, but SEVEN teams passed on him before the hatriots finally selected him in the 6th round, making him the 199th overall pick. if the NFL were an online dating site, hater # 12 wouldn’t even get a wink from the fugly girls!

la commish, ever a hopeless romantic, is older & wiser this season. passion ( & the accompanying pain it inevitably brings) no longer draw her like a moth to a flame (or the jets to yet another defeat, this latest to the washington redskins, 23-20, in overtime.) a good relationship is based on more than sexual charm, a jazzy line, and bottle of red. being in a relationship means hard work! it depends on many factors, not least of which is a solid comfort level to accompany the initial attraction between 2 people. in addition, there must be compromise and a willingness to accommodate the needs of another person.

which is not unlike what tom brady has developed with the patriots. the new york times recently described his situation with the pats as “the ideal marriage of skill and circumstance. He has exceeded everybody’s initial expectations, save possibly his own, on the strength of talents he has worked assiduously to refine, a system that suits his skills and a stout offensive line that has kept him healthy enough to make 102 consecutive regular-season starts.” which la commish, extrapolating, interprets in the following manner: even the ugly boys deserve a chance! they may be diamonds in the rough whose strength of character will far outlast your garden variety hottie.

so what can we, ladies of the vm-l, learn from hatey-brady? chris redman, 3rd round QB pick in brady’s draft year has this to say about him: “tom’s one of the best i’ve seen under pressure. he has that confidence in himself where he’s not afraid of making a mistake. he really excels on game day... he wants to win at everything he does.”

ah, la commish’s achiles heel: a good work ethic! no matter that j-date is comprised of closeted jewish egotists (or so la commish has heard)-ladies should always be playing to win. because love, like football, requires skill, strategy, and sweat.

Have You Ever Danced With the Devil in the Pale Moonlight?

la commish has never had a soft spot in her heart for the baby-making, victory-taking cesspool of a team from new england known as the HATRIOTS. finally, the head honcho of the NFL, ROGER GOODELL, agrees: he recently handed hatriots coach BILL BELICHICK a $500,000 fine, in addition to a $250,000 fine to the team and forfeiture of a first-round pick in the 2008 draft if it makes the playoffs this season, or a second- and a third-round pick if it fails to make the postseason.

HA!! that's what you get for spying on THE JETS by illegally videotaping their defensive signals during their season opener, which the HATRIOTS went on to win. (cheaters.)

but rilly, ROGER GOODELL: a $500,000 fine to a man who just got a hefty contract extension through 2013? he'll just charge that to his amex black and laugh maniacally all the way to the bank. (in belichick lexicon, this means his right bottom lip will extend a half inch and his eye will blink.)

instead, may la commish propose her idea to deal with this in the same fashion that men have been using since time immemorial?

settle the score.....ON THE DANCE FLOOR!

DANCING WITH THE STARS,

NFL-STYLE....

“may I have this dance?”

“Criscross, Criscross

Slide to the left, Slide to the right

Let me hear you clap yo hands

Cha Cha now, Cha Cha again!”

“you may have led the last dance,

but we’ll see who leads when we come to Foxboro!”

Recent Changes at -league of our own-

regular phreaders may notice a difference here this week (other than the fact that there are actual posts.)

first, we have switched colors to reflect off-season status. because if the boys get seperate uniforms for home and away games, then so do we!

attentive phreaders may also have seen the new profile picture. honestly: what better mascot for the -vagina monoleague- than a cute kitty?

meet miss scarlett, mascot extraordinare! let's hope this is one pussy that tom brady can refrain from knocking up!

-la commish

Hateration
(2007 NFL Schedule)

and i quote:

"The Patriots have the league's third-toughest schedule based on opponents' 2006 records, and they play eight games against teams that were in the playoffs...They also have a stretch in which they play four of five games on the road, starting with their first game in Dallas since 1996." (NYTIMES)

hee....

Party till You Puke:

The Tony Romo Story

What do la commish and dallas cowboys QB tony romo have in common (other than the fact that they are both latinos who like to score?) Read on to find out….

you got there a little late, right when the party was heating up.

At the february engagement party of sporty spice: la commish (r) with affianced guest of honor (middle) and liz of liz’s lygers fame

mid-season, 2006: cowboys head coach bill parcells announces tony romo as starting quarterback.

the babes were in abundance.

make hers a double: la commish, enveloped by lovelies


reputed love interests, romo & jessica simpson. when asked about the two, teammate terrell owens joked that perhaps he could score a double date with ashlee.

you were at the top of your game, doing what you do best...

...but you made an amateur mistake and ended up with a mouth full of puke and disappointed fans.

what la commish slept next to after one too many shots at the party.

also where tony romo’s season went after a botched hold on a 19-yard field goal try with 1:19 left in a nfc wild card playoff game against the seattle seahawks. With the cowboys down 21-20, dallas would attempt a field goal. romo caught the snap but dropped it as he put it down!!!!! romo then tried to run into the end zone, but he was tackled at the one & subsequently fumbled and seattle took over on their own one. romo attempted a last minute hail mary on the cowboys' final possession that fell incomplete. sniffle, sniffle…

sad tony romo


final note from la commish: this game was the moment when FOOTBALL crystallized from concept to emotion! she felt the pain, experienced the shame, & cried the man tears right along with him. (and while technically she didn't watch the game, her sister did relay the painful play-by-play of “one of the most memorable blunders in play-off history.”)

and for you naughy types who can’t get enough…
http://deadspin.com/sports/nfl/the-tony-romo-kama-sutra-229615.php

http://tonyhomo.blogspot.com/

(disclaimer: -league of our own- in no way supports negative stereotypes regarding the poor athleticism of the gays nor the usage of the word 'homo' as a derogatory affront on masculinity.)

Top 5 Ways La Commish's Boyfriend is like a Roller Coaster at Coney Island

5) they’re both white and from Brooklyn

4) you’re generally not wearing a lot of clothes when you get on, and you shut your eyes for most of the ride

3) they both make your heart race & your stomach feel funny

2) “look ma, no hands!”

and finally….

1) they both distract her from blogging

sorry for the lack of posts in the last couple of months, f-phootball fans. i’ve had my hands full….

Not Tom Brady's Year

STOP THE (BENCH) PRESS!!

http://www.usmagazine.com/bridget_moynahan_expecting_child_with_ex_boyfriend_tom_brody

la commish, who's biggest fear is that of an ex suddenly turning up on her doorstep with a little lydia in tow, is almost sympathetic to hater #12's plight. but then a giggle forms in the back of her throat as she wonders how many superbowl rings it will take for giselle to forgive him!

she never thought she'd say this, but thank you tom brady, for showing what a class act you are and knocking up your ex-girlfriend.

hahahahahahahahahahahahahaahaha!!!!!!!

may league of our own suggest "peyton" if it's a boy?

what the little one will look like

Happy Valentine's Day!

Love,

what a horrible day for play! superbowl XLI may have been the first to be held in the middle of a rainstorm, but v-day 2007 was a warzone of snow and ice.

speaking of warzones...

sweet boyfriend offered to cook us dinner at his apartment. unfortunately, i showed up two hours late (= exactly on schedule, puerto rican time.) he almost didn't

because now-mad boyfriend felt the following sentiment:

!

thankfully, the uber-thoughful valentine’s day gift i gave him (vinyl LP's. cool music for the cute musician...) convinced him to rethink his opinion.

incidentally, i received

to get me off my apparently

.

the night ended with a good

and a glass of port.

can you believe i didn't once think about

?

Misguided Loyalty

don't ask me why i still have t.o. in my starting line-up. for old's time sake?
too busy to blog about this myself, but my buddy over the sports truth did it justice....

http://www.thesportstruth.com/2006/12/terrell-owens-a-spitting-image.html

Always the Back-Up QB, Never the Bride

so much wonderment in the world of love and football these days. first and most importantly, la commish's prospects for this month have recently taken a turn for the better. she will not share details, as they are enough to make even the trollops who read this blog blush. suffice it say, la commish is a naughty girl. punish her accordingly.

secondly, having absolutely no time to research football stats for her phreaders, la commish must cull the contents for this blog from other areas of interest, mainly her personal life.

as anyone who lives in new york and follows football surely knows, coach tom coughlin is in a revolving door that won't stop, one exit being an extension of contract and another the unemployment office. well, should anyone feel the need to offer the head coach position to la commish, who is all about nurturing and caring for a locker room full of men whose bodies are machines, she would have to gracefully decline. for la commish has already accepted the position of maid of honor for her dear friend and former college roommate sara (who is referenced by name because she-misguidedly-did not accept la commish's offer to play in the -vagina mono-league- and therefore does not have a fabulous team name. ) this position makes la commish feel not only popular, but the MOST popular!

maid of honor, bitches! you know what that means? i've got first pick on the groomsmen!...

in a recent conversation with leaguofourown's favorite west coast correspondent, la commish had the chance to talk a little football with him (when they weren't comparing numbers.) turns out, the back-up quarterback is a senior position on the team. his job is to help coach the quarterback and keep him informed on what he needs to know. which seems counter-intuitive to la commish (the fact that your back-up, who is ostensibly vying for your position, is supposed to watch your back) but no one ever said football is a game that makes sense.

so sarah, i publicly take this moment to cheerlead for your upcoming nuptials and promise that come game time (err, wedding day) your back-up qb is gonna be right there with you. and i promise not to dump a freezing cooler of ice water over your head when the ceremony is over. (though i'll be tempted...)

la commish (l.) during her college gangsta days with the bride-to-be.

if la commish were a rich women, she would shower them with real estate and season tickets.....

Phoning One In

very similarly to the colts' level of play last sunday (listen peyton, you can beg off once in a while, but don't make it a habit 'cause a girl's got needs) today's post will be an exercise in the adage "90% of life is showing up." coach mangini's summer training camp for the jets has got nothing come holiday time in the retail industry. therefore, la commish is tired and cranky, so don't expect any literary touchdowns today.

last sunday's cliff notes highlights

the jets: lost on sunday. play-off contention suddenly bleak. sucks.
the giants: won on sunday. none of the players cried. yay!
the cowboys: lost on sunday. finally.
the colts: read intro paragraph, but we'll see who's laughing come superbowl time.
the hatriots: blow-out! giggle at their misfortune. ('blow-out' is a football term that signifies they didn't score once. kind of like la commish this month. a lot of "personal" practice time is therefore in order for them both.)
the steelers: won on sunday. solid.
the 49'-ers: [censored, for his pleasure.]

now would be a good time to share something that the head coach of DEVIL WEARS JERSEYS passed on to me several weeks ago during one of our training sessions in riverside park (read: pushing her stroller through the park while she dotes on baby and i dote on cute passerbys):

there are offices where the following 2 types of sites are made unavailable for employee viewing: porn and phantasy football.

OH MY GOD!! where are these places of employment and why do people still work at them???!!!!! la commish takes pesonal umbridge at this corporate tactic to keep a brother (or sister) down, as the intersection where porn, football, and phantasy connect is exactly where leaguofourown camps out with their thumbs in the air, looking for a ride....

speaking of fearsome....scary giant jeremy shockey recently told the press, "december is the most important month in football." (note to phreaders: i actually have no idea if he said that. i think he did, and it starts off my next paragraph quite nicely, so i'll leave it in. if any giant has libel issues to take up with me, i can be found at the marshmellow, located in crown heights, brooklyn, represent. * ) when other blogs go on vacation, (like dan from the daily dump who recently re-appeared at [redacted] http://redactedblog.blogspot.com/) they ask guest bloggers over for some tea and conversation. leaugofourown, trailblazer that she is, hangs alone, elusive and mysterious. the point: if anything of relevance happens in the next month, be sure and contact la commish personally so that she can set her ph-f team accordingly. (tips are helpful as la commish doesn't know how to cheat on yahoo football.)

la commish will now keel over onto her laptop and wonders how long it will take for customers to notice, turn native, and eventually take over the store.





*la commmish finds it impossible to utter the name of the fine burrough of brooklyn without immediately following it with 'represent!' which sometimes makes for awkward moments with cabbies. very similarly, la commish can't say the name 'tom brady' without tacking on 'BLOWS!' must be some vestigial skill that humans once possessed to recognize the extremes of greatness and suckiness....

Football Free Association

running out the clock: waiting out a relationship that’s gone sour in in the hopes he’ll get the hint and go away

fumble: accidentally calling a boy by the wrong name and/or texting the wrong person about your date later that evening

special teams: who you call when your 1st or 2nd choice are busy

half-back: only one of you scores
full-back: everyone scores!

safety: breathmint and a condom

rookie: good kisser, but never knows when to bring flowers

pro-bowl: la commish’s most beloved exes, were they all to converge under one glorious roof

running back: what anyone foolish enough to leave la commish eventually does

defensive end: sure he SWEARS that he’s straight, but methinks he doth protest too much….

linebacker: he rilly DOES have the fabulous apartment and accroutements he bragged about

wide receiver: what his slutty new girlfriend is

Who Is John Heisman?

a question not be "shrugged"* off, conveniently answered in today's times.
http://www.nytimes.com/2006/12/08/sports/ncaafootball/08heisman.html?_r=1&ref=sports&oref=slogin

here is a funny exerpt from the article, proving that the greats always a sense of humour:

Heisman, standing before his players when he first met them, would hold aloft a football and ask, “What is this?”
Answering his own question, Heisman said: “It is a prolate spheroid in which the outer leather casing is drawn tightly over a somewhat smaller rubber tubing.”
Heisman would pause and add: “Better to have died as a small boy than to fumble this football.”

*the worst literary pun ever made

My Michael Scott Moment

so la commish was talking on the phone last night with a musician she met recently. he was telling her about his doctor's visit because he broke a finger playing touch football in central park last weekend. (hot) anyways, he tells her that his doctor says he may never play again.

this gets la commish going on a 5 minute long monologue about donavan mcnabb and his recent season-ending injury. then she realized, her musician plays a stringed instrument. and that his doctor was talking about not playing MUSIC again.

crickets.

la commish broods today; football was supposed to HELP her love life, not alienate those who might be a part of it!

"you look rather exotic. was your father a g.i.?"

putting that particular converastional gem aside, espn.com has an interesting article online about phantasy football and some NFL players' takes on it: (http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/columns/story?columnist=garber_greg&id=2684942)

la commish's qb peyton is written up as "the most successful fantasy quarterback. Through the first eight seasons of his career, he averaged better than 30 touchdown passes per season." whhheeeee!!!

as phantasy football becomes bigger and bigger, proponents cite it as a way for fans to get to know players on a more individual basis and a way to get people more involved in the game. opponents of ph-f however, complain that it breaks down team allegiance because fans are now more likely to cheer for would-be nemeses by virtue of their ph-f team. where la commish stands on the controversy: anything that will get her laid is a good, good thing.

sports illustrated published a fan letter several months back that described phantasy football as the pet rock of the new millenium. whoever wrote this obviously didn't have a phantasy qb who scores as much as petyon. now if la commish could only get him to score WITH her and not just FOR her....

la commish's phantasy position: between a rock and peyton's hard place.

Strumpets and Trollops....

the girls who went down this week:
!steve holt!
liz's ligers
devil wears jerseys
last tackle in paris

the girls who liked it on top:
maniacal bulldogs
i [heart] derek jeter
the cockblockers
sporty spice


it's quarterfinal time ladies! bring your best game and prepare to play....

So Much to Blog, So Little Time...

work is tackling la commish from her blind side this month, so no promises on the continuity of the posts for the next several weeks (not that there were any promises before, as la commish is not an easy woman to pin down. unless you're peyton manning and you somehow made it out to crown heights to suprise la commish with flowers and a home-cooked brunch. he can pin her down all he wants....)

the following vignette found here (http://weblogs.newsday.com/sports/football/jets/blog/) is yet another gem from whitney houston-loving jet jerricho cotchery, who has made previous blog appearances here at leagueofourown:

"WR Jerricho Cotchery had a funny observation about his life as a starting receiver this season as opposed to his first two years coming off the bench and playing mostly special teams: “I get a lot more handshakes after the game, a lot of ‘Good game, Cotch.’ Before that I was just looking for someone that I knew.”

don't forget your -vagina mono.league- fans, cotch! we've been following you for, well, not that long, but still....