Sistas Tellin' It Like It Is (Listen Up, Brett Favre!*)

You Suck! Doh!


It's an age old story-

Things are peachy and the world is your oyster. Fireworks, flower, romance,
TOUCHDOWN!

December 2003, Vikings vs. Raiders-One day after his father passes away, Favre scores 4 touchdowns and totals 399 yards. After the victory, he dedicates the game to his dad, assuring his American golden boy legacy.

But sooner or later, the other football drops. Whether it's a midlife crisis, some hoochie trollop, or what any single New Yorker recognizes as the inevitable cycle of Manhattan dating, eventually off they go.

March 2008-Favre breaks down in man tears when he officially announces his retirement from the Green Bay Packers, with whom he played 16 seasons, winning 3 consecutive MVP awards & 1 Super Bowl ring. He also notably started every Packers game from September 20, 1992 to January 20, 2008. "I know I can play, but I don't think I want to. And that's really what it comes down to." Ahem, this is his FIRST retirement, after 2 seasons worth of speculation.

You're all alone.

It takes a while to find your bearings and just when you're starting to smile and regain your equilibrium, they come back like dogs with their tail between their legs.

July 29, 2008-Favre formally files for reinstatement with the NFL, charging that he was "guilty of retiring early," and that he was "never fully committed."

“Mmm hmm! We’ve heard that one before. He’s a dog!”

And then it happens all over again.

August 2008-Favre is traded to New York and plays one season for the Jets. He sure does get around these days….

And again.

They never learn.

I mean, are they born stupid or does society grow them that way?

2009-Present-Favre takes his skanky self off to play for the Minnesota Vikings.

“What am I doing? I am rilly f#*cking up la commish’s phantasy football team. I should just kill myself.”

Ladies, look deep into your hearts:
You know the truth.

“You gotta send that ex-packer packing, can I get an amen!”

First time done wrong, shame on him. Every losing game after that, shame on you...

* Brett's middle name is Lorenzo. Ha!

Fairytale Beginnings

what kind of man interrupts a good nap? schmuck.

The way the story usually goes, a girl waits around in a fog for her prince to come kiss her and whisk her away (say to a gorgeous white-glove doorman highrise apartment with an 18th floor city view & a balcony bigger than pretty much anyplace else she's ever lived, with a washer/dryer AND a spare room) and they live happily every after. Except that sometimes the girl comes to find that what she thought was the fairytale ending was merely a brief respite from the outer borroughs and she finds herself living by her wits yet again.

C'est la vie-one man's loss is another man's pleasure! la commish is unleashed on the city yet again! And not a moment too soon. There are so many girlfriends to catch up with, bottles of wines to consume, and opponents to annihilate. Oh yes, it's phantasy football season and the game is more on than ever.

May the odds be ever in your favor...

Bad Boys Drool

la commish recently came across across the following quote by evolutionary expert david buss:

“because women in our evolutionary past risked enormous investment as a consequence of having sex, evolution favored women who were highly selective about their mates.”

highly. selective. about. their mates. (or else they died!)

lord knows that at times, la commish has been more selective of what's being tevo'ed than of her arm candy. which of course, got her thinking – what happens when ladies of the vm-l are not as highly selective as they could and ought to be?

meet the top 5 mistakes of the week. (better your phantasy football team than your love lives, ladies.) let’s keep our eyes out for stinkers, shall we?


#1 plaxico burress, new york giant #17, wide receiver
for those of who have been living under a rock (or away from the glare of the new york post headlines) this eli manning go-to & catcher of last year’s superbowl winning pass put a bullet in his own leg last week.

which is what anyone with any decency should have done to themselves after wearing sweatpants at the midtown nightclub latin quarter.

the last man i took seriously who wore sweatpants was my junior high tennis coach. Shame on you, plaxico!

2. michael vick, formerly of the altanta falcons, currently with the u.s. penitentiary in leavenworth, kansas

Prison, doggie style!

3. pacman jones, dallas cowboy #21, corner back

suspended from the entire 2007 season after a las vegas strip club shooting incident. also known for gambling, spitting on and punching women, along with a laundry list of other naughtiness.

4. bill belichick, head coach new england hatriots

...aka mr. sex, lies and videotype

5. t.o. cowboy #81, wide receiver

though he’s been quiet as of late, so mostly on the list because of the general acknowledgment that he's loony tunes. and also because la commish can’t think of anyone else to round out the list.

Dating Tips from Tom Brady

As the old adage goes, “keep your friends close and your enemies closer.” last night’s game between 2 undefeated teams served as a painful reminder that tom brady IS enemy #1. rather than dwell on the hatriots victory over the colts (hey, even darth vader won a few before the dark side went down) now is a time to regroup, focus, and strategize.

while slut-about-town tom brady (count 1 baby, 1 baby mama, & 1 model girlfriend) may not be the ideal poster boy for stable relationships, there is certainly a thing or 2 we can learn from his playing career.

hatey-brady began his pro football career inauspiciously. not 1, not 2, not 3, not 4, not 5, not 6, but SEVEN teams passed on him before the hatriots finally selected him in the 6th round, making him the 199th overall pick. if the NFL were an online dating site, hater # 12 wouldn’t even get a wink from the fugly girls!

la commish, ever a hopeless romantic, is older & wiser this season. passion ( & the accompanying pain it inevitably brings) no longer draw her like a moth to a flame (or the jets to yet another defeat, this latest to the washington redskins, 23-20, in overtime.) a good relationship is based on more than sexual charm, a jazzy line, and bottle of red. being in a relationship means hard work! it depends on many factors, not least of which is a solid comfort level to accompany the initial attraction between 2 people. in addition, there must be compromise and a willingness to accommodate the needs of another person.

which is not unlike what tom brady has developed with the patriots. the new york times recently described his situation with the pats as “the ideal marriage of skill and circumstance. He has exceeded everybody’s initial expectations, save possibly his own, on the strength of talents he has worked assiduously to refine, a system that suits his skills and a stout offensive line that has kept him healthy enough to make 102 consecutive regular-season starts.” which la commish, extrapolating, interprets in the following manner: even the ugly boys deserve a chance! they may be diamonds in the rough whose strength of character will far outlast your garden variety hottie.

so what can we, ladies of the vm-l, learn from hatey-brady? chris redman, 3rd round QB pick in brady’s draft year has this to say about him: “tom’s one of the best i’ve seen under pressure. he has that confidence in himself where he’s not afraid of making a mistake. he really excels on game day... he wants to win at everything he does.”

ah, la commish’s achiles heel: a good work ethic! no matter that j-date is comprised of closeted jewish egotists (or so la commish has heard)-ladies should always be playing to win. because love, like football, requires skill, strategy, and sweat.

Have You Ever Danced With the Devil in the Pale Moonlight?

la commish has never had a soft spot in her heart for the baby-making, victory-taking cesspool of a team from new england known as the HATRIOTS. finally, the head honcho of the NFL, ROGER GOODELL, agrees: he recently handed hatriots coach BILL BELICHICK a $500,000 fine, in addition to a $250,000 fine to the team and forfeiture of a first-round pick in the 2008 draft if it makes the playoffs this season, or a second- and a third-round pick if it fails to make the postseason.

HA!! that's what you get for spying on THE JETS by illegally videotaping their defensive signals during their season opener, which the HATRIOTS went on to win. (cheaters.)

but rilly, ROGER GOODELL: a $500,000 fine to a man who just got a hefty contract extension through 2013? he'll just charge that to his amex black and laugh maniacally all the way to the bank. (in belichick lexicon, this means his right bottom lip will extend a half inch and his eye will blink.)

instead, may la commish propose her idea to deal with this in the same fashion that men have been using since time immemorial?

settle the score.....ON THE DANCE FLOOR!

DANCING WITH THE STARS,

NFL-STYLE....

“may I have this dance?”

“Criscross, Criscross

Slide to the left, Slide to the right

Let me hear you clap yo hands

Cha Cha now, Cha Cha again!”

“you may have led the last dance,

but we’ll see who leads when we come to Foxboro!”

Recent Changes at -league of our own-

regular phreaders may notice a difference here this week (other than the fact that there are actual posts.)

first, we have switched colors to reflect off-season status. because if the boys get seperate uniforms for home and away games, then so do we!

attentive phreaders may also have seen the new profile picture. honestly: what better mascot for the -vagina monoleague- than a cute kitty?

meet miss scarlett, mascot extraordinare! let's hope this is one pussy that tom brady can refrain from knocking up!

-la commish

Hateration
(2007 NFL Schedule)

and i quote:

"The Patriots have the league's third-toughest schedule based on opponents' 2006 records, and they play eight games against teams that were in the playoffs...They also have a stretch in which they play four of five games on the road, starting with their first game in Dallas since 1996." (NYTIMES)

hee....

Party till You Puke:

The Tony Romo Story

What do la commish and dallas cowboys QB tony romo have in common (other than the fact that they are both latinos who like to score?) Read on to find out….

you got there a little late, right when the party was heating up.

At the february engagement party of sporty spice: la commish (r) with affianced guest of honor (middle) and liz of liz’s lygers fame

mid-season, 2006: cowboys head coach bill parcells announces tony romo as starting quarterback.

the babes were in abundance.

make hers a double: la commish, enveloped by lovelies


reputed love interests, romo & jessica simpson. when asked about the two, teammate terrell owens joked that perhaps he could score a double date with ashlee.

you were at the top of your game, doing what you do best...

...but you made an amateur mistake and ended up with a mouth full of puke and disappointed fans.

what la commish slept next to after one too many shots at the party.

also where tony romo’s season went after a botched hold on a 19-yard field goal try with 1:19 left in a nfc wild card playoff game against the seattle seahawks. With the cowboys down 21-20, dallas would attempt a field goal. romo caught the snap but dropped it as he put it down!!!!! romo then tried to run into the end zone, but he was tackled at the one & subsequently fumbled and seattle took over on their own one. romo attempted a last minute hail mary on the cowboys' final possession that fell incomplete. sniffle, sniffle…

sad tony romo


final note from la commish: this game was the moment when FOOTBALL crystallized from concept to emotion! she felt the pain, experienced the shame, & cried the man tears right along with him. (and while technically she didn't watch the game, her sister did relay the painful play-by-play of “one of the most memorable blunders in play-off history.”)

and for you naughy types who can’t get enough…
http://deadspin.com/sports/nfl/the-tony-romo-kama-sutra-229615.php

http://tonyhomo.blogspot.com/

(disclaimer: -league of our own- in no way supports negative stereotypes regarding the poor athleticism of the gays nor the usage of the word 'homo' as a derogatory affront on masculinity.)

Top 5 Ways La Commish's Boyfriend is like a Roller Coaster at Coney Island

5) they’re both white and from Brooklyn

4) you’re generally not wearing a lot of clothes when you get on, and you shut your eyes for most of the ride

3) they both make your heart race & your stomach feel funny

2) “look ma, no hands!”

and finally….

1) they both distract her from blogging

sorry for the lack of posts in the last couple of months, f-phootball fans. i’ve had my hands full….