the vagina mono-league

2010-09-28T00:36:00.028-04:00

Sistas Tellin' It Like It Is (Listen Up, Brett Favre!*)

You Suck! Doh!

It's an age old story-

Things are peachy and the world is your oyster. Fireworks, flower, romance,
TOUCHDOWN!

December 2003, Vikings vs. Raiders-One day after his father passes away, Favre scores 4 touchdowns and totals 399 yards. After the victory, he dedicates the game to his dad, assuring his American golden boy legacy.

But sooner or later, the other football drops. Whether it's a midlife crisis, some hoochie trollop, or what any single New Yorker recognizes as the inevitable cycle of Manhattan dating, eventually off they go.

March 2008-Favre breaks down in man tears when he officially announces his retirement from the Green Bay Packers, with whom he played 16 seasons, winning 3 consecutive MVP awards & 1 Super Bowl ring. He also notably started every Packers game from September 20, 1992 to January 20, 2008. "I know I can play, but I don't think I want to. And that's really what it comes down to."Ahem, this is his FIRST retirement, after 2 seasons worth of speculation.

You're all alone.

It takes a while to find your bearings and just when you're starting to smile and regain your equilibrium, they come back like dogs with their tail between their legs.

July 29, 2008-Favre formally files for reinstatement with the NFL, charging that he was "guilty of retiring early," and that he was "never fully committed."

“Mmm hmm! We’ve heard that one before. He’s a dog!”

And then it happens all over again.

August 2008-Favre is traded to New York and plays one season for the Jets. He sure does get around these days….

And again.

They never learn.

I mean, are they born stupid or does society grow them that way?

2009-Present-Favre takes his skanky self off to play for the Minnesota Vikings.

“What am I doing? I am rilly f#*cking up la commish’s phantasy football team. I should just kill myself.”

Ladies, look deep into your hearts:
You know the truth.

“You gotta send that ex-packer packing, can I get an amen!”

First time done wrong, shame on him. Every losing game after that, shame on you...

* Brett's middle name is Lorenzo. Ha!

2010-09-11T15:00:00.004-04:00

Fairytale Beginnings

what kind of man interrupts a good nap? schmuck.

The way the story usually goes, a girl waits around in a fog for her prince to come kiss her and whisk her away (say to a gorgeous white-glove doorman highrise apartment with an 18th floor city view & a balcony bigger than pretty much anyplace else she's ever lived, with a washer/dryer AND a spare room) and they live happily every after. Except that sometimes the girl comes to find that what she thought was the fairytale ending was merely a brief respite from the outer borroughs and she finds herself living by her wits yet again.

C'est la vie-one man's loss is another man's pleasure! la commish is unleashed on the city yet again! And not a moment too soon. There are so many girlfriends to catch up with, bottles of wines to consume, and opponents to annihilate. Oh yes, it's phantasy football season and the game is more on than ever.

May the odds be ever in your favor...

2008-12-07T03:25:00.020-05:00

Bad Boys Drool

la commish recently came across across the following quote by evolutionary expert david buss:

“because women in our evolutionary past risked enormous investment as a consequence of having sex, evolution favored women who were highly selective about their mates.”

highly. selective. about. their mates. (or else they died!)

lord knows that at times, la commish has been more selective of what's being tevo'ed than of her arm candy. which of course, got her thinking – what happens when ladies of the vm-l are not as highly selective as they could and ought to be?

meet the top 5 mistakes of the week. (better your phantasy football team than your love lives, ladies.) let’s keep our eyes out for stinkers, shall we?

#1 plaxico burress, new york giant #17, wide receiver
for those of who have been living under a rock (or away from the glare of the new york post headlines) this eli manning go-to & catcher of last year’s superbowl winning pass put a bullet in his own leg last week.

which is what anyone with any decency should have done to themselves after wearing sweatpants at the midtown nightclub latin quarter.

the last man i took seriously who wore sweatpants was my junior high tennis coach. Shame on you, plaxico!

2. michael vick, formerly of the altanta falcons, currently with the u.s. penitentiary in leavenworth, kansas

Prison, doggie style!

3. pacman jones, dallas cowboy #21, corner back

suspended from the entire 2007 season after a las vegas strip club shooting incident. also known for gambling, spitting on and punching women, along with a laundry list of other naughtiness.

4. bill belichick, head coach new england hatriots

...aka mr. sex, lies and videotype

5. t.o. cowboy #81, wide receiver

though he’s been quiet as of late, so mostly on the list because of the general acknowledgment that he's loony tunes. and also because la commish can’t think of anyone else to round out the list.

2007-11-05T17:41:00.000-05:00

Dating Tips from Tom Brady

As the old adage goes, “keep your friends close and your enemies closer.” last night’s game between 2 undefeated teams served as a painful reminder that tom brady IS enemy #1. rather than dwell on the hatriots victory over the colts (hey, even darth vader won a few before the dark side went down) now is a time to regroup, focus, and strategize.

while slut-about-town tom brady (count 1 baby, 1 baby mama, & 1 model girlfriend) may not be the ideal poster boy for stable relationships, there is certainly a thing or 2 we can learn from his playing career.

hatey-brady began his pro football career inauspiciously. not 1, not 2, not 3, not 4, not 5, not 6, but SEVEN teams passed on him before the hatriots finally selected him in the 6th round, making him the 199th overall pick. if the NFL were an online dating site, hater # 12 wouldn’t even get a wink from the fugly girls!

la commish, ever a hopeless romantic, is older & wiser this season. passion ( & the accompanying pain it inevitably brings) no longer draw her like a moth to a flame (or the jets to yet another defeat, this latest to the washington redskins, 23-20, in overtime.) a good relationship is based on more than sexual charm, a jazzy line, and bottle of red. being in a relationship means hard work! it depends on many factors, not least of which is a solid comfort level to accompany the initial attraction between 2 people. in addition, there must be compromise and a willingness to accommodate the needs of another person.

which is not unlike what tom brady has developed with the patriots. the new york times recently described his situation with the pats as “the ideal marriage of skill and circumstance. He has exceeded everybody’s initial expectations, save possibly his own, on the strength of talents he has worked assiduously to refine, a system that suits his skills and a stout offensive line that has kept him healthy enough to make 102 consecutive regular-season starts.” which la commish, extrapolating, interprets in the following manner: even the ugly boys deserve a chance! they may be diamonds in the rough whose strength of character will far outlast your garden variety hottie.

so what can we, ladies of the vm-l, learn from hatey-brady? chris redman, 3rd round QB pick in brady’s draft year has this to say about him: “tom’s one of the best i’ve seen under pressure. he has that confidence in himself where he’s not afraid of making a mistake. he really excels on game day... he wants to win at everything he does.”

ah, la commish’s achiles heel: a good work ethic! no matter that j-date is comprised of closeted jewish egotists (or so la commish has heard)-ladies should always be playing to win. because love, like football, requires skill, strategy, and sweat.

2007-11-05T17:38:00.000-05:00

2007-09-21T12:19:00.000-04:00

Have You Ever Danced With the Devil in the Pale Moonlight?

la commish has never had a soft spot in her heart for the baby-making, victory-taking cesspool of a team from new england known as the HATRIOTS. finally, the head honcho of the NFL, ROGER GOODELL, agrees: he recently handed hatriots coach BILL BELICHICK a $500,000 fine, in addition to a $250,000 fine to the team and forfeiture of a first-round pick in the 2008 draft if it makes the playoffs this season, or a second- and a third-round pick if it fails to make the postseason.

HA!! that's what you get for spying on THE JETS by illegally videotaping their defensive signals during their season opener, which the HATRIOTS went on to win. (cheaters.)

but rilly, ROGER GOODELL: a $500,000 fine to a man who just got a hefty contract extension through 2013? he'll just charge that to his amex black and laugh maniacally all the way to the bank. (in belichick lexicon, this means his right bottom lip will extend a half inch and his eye will blink.)

instead, may la commish propose her idea to deal with this in the same fashion that men have been using since time immemorial?

settle the score.....ON THE DANCE FLOOR!

DANCING WITH THE STARS,
NFL-STYLE....

“may I have this dance?”

“Criscross, Criscross

Slide to the left, Slide to the right

Let me hear you clap yo hands

Cha Cha now, Cha Cha again!”

“you may have led the last dance,

but we’ll see who leads when we come to Foxboro!”

2007-04-26T17:27:00.000-04:00

Recent Changes at -league of our own-

regular phreaders may notice a difference here this week (other than the fact that there are actual posts.)

first, we have switched colors to reflect off-season status. because if the boys get seperate uniforms for home and away games, then so do we!

attentive phreaders may also have seen the new profile picture. honestly: what better mascot for the -vagina monoleague- than a cute kitty?

meet miss scarlett, mascot extraordinare! let's hope this is one pussy that tom brady can refrain from knocking up!

-la commish

2007-04-26T16:27:00.000-04:00

Hateration
(2007 NFL Schedule)

and i quote:

"The Patriots have the league's third-toughest schedule based on opponents' 2006 records, and they play eight games against teams that were in the playoffs...They also have a stretch in which they play four of five games on the road, starting with their first game in Dallas since 1996." (NYTIMES)

hee....

2007-04-24T16:09:00.000-04:00

Party till You Puke:

The Tony Romo Story

What do la commish and dallas cowboys QB tony romo have in common (other than the fact that they are both latinos who like to score?) Read on to find out….

you got there a little late, right when the party was heating up.

At the february engagement party of sporty spice: la commish (r) with affianced guest of honor (middle) and liz of liz’s lygers fame

mid-season, 2006: cowboys head coach bill parcells announces tony romo as starting quarterback.

the babes were in abundance.

make hers a double: la commish, enveloped by lovelies

reputed love interests, romo & jessica simpson. when asked about the two, teammate terrell owens joked that perhaps he could score a double date with ashlee.

you were at the top of your game, doing what you do best...

...but you made an amateur mistake and ended up with a mouth full of puke and disappointed fans.

what la commish slept next to after one too many shots at the party.

also where tony romo’s season went after a botched hold on a 19-yard field goal try with 1:19 left in a nfc wild card playoff game against the seattle seahawks. With the cowboys down 21-20, dallas would attempt a field goal. romo caught the snap but dropped it as he put it down!!!!! romo then tried to run into the end zone, but he was tackled at the one & subsequently fumbled and seattle took over on their own one. romo attempted a last minute hail mary on the cowboys' final possession that fell incomplete. sniffle, sniffle…

sad tony romo

final note from la commish: this game was the moment when FOOTBALL crystallized from concept to emotion! she felt the pain, experienced the shame, & cried the man tears right along with him. (and while technically she didn't watch the game, her sister did relay the painful play-by-play of “one of the most memorable blunders in play-off history.”)

and for you naughy types who can’t get enough…
http://deadspin.com/sports/nfl/the-tony-romo-kama-sutra-229615.php

http://tonyhomo.blogspot.com/

(disclaimer: -league of our own- in no way supports negative stereotypes regarding the poor athleticism of the gays nor the usage of the word 'homo' as a derogatory affront on masculinity.)

2007-04-24T16:06:00.000-04:00

Top 5 Ways La Commish's Boyfriend is like a Roller Coaster at Coney Island

5) they’re both white and from Brooklyn

4) you’re generally not wearing a lot of clothes when you get on, and you shut your eyes for most of the ride

3) they both make your heart race & your stomach feel funny

2) “look ma, no hands!”

and finally….

1) they both distract her from blogging

sorry for the lack of posts in the last couple of months, f-phootball fans. i’ve had my hands full….

2007-02-19T12:00:00.000-05:00

Not Tom Brady's Year

STOP THE (BENCH) PRESS!!

http://www.usmagazine.com/bridget_moynahan_expecting_child_with_ex_boyfriend_tom_brody

la commish, who's biggest fear is that of an ex suddenly turning up on her doorstep with a little lydia in tow, is almost sympathetic to hater #12's plight. but then a giggle forms in the back of her throat as she wonders how many superbowl rings it will take for giselle to forgive him!

she never thought she'd say this, but thank you tom brady, for showing what a class act you are and knocking up your ex-girlfriend.

hahahahahahahahahahahahahaahaha!!!!!!!

may league of our own suggest "peyton" if it's a boy?

what the little one will look like

2007-02-15T14:50:00.000-05:00

Happy Valentine's Day!

Love,

what a horrible day for play! superbowl XLI may have been the first to be held in the middle of a rainstorm, but v-day 2007 was a warzone of snow and ice.

speaking of warzones...

sweet boyfriend offered to cook us dinner at his apartment. unfortunately, i showed up two hours late (= exactly on schedule, puerto rican time.) he almost didn't

because now-mad boyfriend felt the following sentiment:

thankfully, the uber-thoughful valentine’s day gift i gave him (vinyl LP's. cool music for the cute musician...) convinced him to rethink his opinion.

incidentally, i received

to get me off my apparently

.

the night ended with a good

and a glass of port.

can you believe i didn't once think about

2006-12-19T15:47:00.000-05:00

Misguided Loyalty

don't ask me why i still have t.o. in my starting line-up. for old's time sake?
too busy to blog about this myself, but my buddy over the sports truth did it justice....

http://www.thesportstruth.com/2006/12/terrell-owens-a-spitting-image.html

2006-12-13T14:18:00.000-05:00

Always the Back-Up QB, Never the Bride

so much wonderment in the world of love and football these days. first and most importantly, la commish's prospects for this month have recently taken a turn for the better. she will not share details, as they are enough to make even the trollops who read this blog blush. suffice it say, la commish is a naughty girl. punish her accordingly.

secondly, having absolutely no time to research football stats for her phreaders, la commish must cull the contents for this blog from other areas of interest, mainly her personal life.

as anyone who lives in new york and follows football surely knows, coach tom coughlin is in a revolving door that won't stop, one exit being an extension of contract and another the unemployment office. well, should anyone feel the need to offer the head coach position to la commish, who is all about nurturing and caring for a locker room full of men whose bodies are machines, she would have to gracefully decline. for la commish has already accepted the position of maid of honor for her dear friend and former college roommate sara (who is referenced by name because she-misguidedly-did not accept la commish's offer to play in the -vagina mono-league- and therefore does not have a fabulous team name. ) this position makes la commish feel not only popular, but the MOST popular!

maid of honor, bitches! you know what that means? i've got first pick on the groomsmen!...

in a recent conversation with leaguofourown's favorite west coast correspondent, la commish had the chance to talk a little football with him (when they weren't comparing numbers.) turns out, the back-up quarterback is a senior position on the team. his job is to help coach the quarterback and keep him informed on what he needs to know. which seems counter-intuitive to la commish (the fact that your back-up, who is ostensibly vying for your position, is supposed to watch your back) but no one ever said football is a game that makes sense.

so sarah, i publicly take this moment to cheerlead for your upcoming nuptials and promise that come game time (err, wedding day) your back-up qb is gonna be right there with you. and i promise not to dump a freezing cooler of ice water over your head when the ceremony is over. (though i'll be tempted...)

la commish (l.) during her college gangsta days with the bride-to-be.

if la commish were a rich women, she would shower them with real estate and season tickets.....

2006-12-12T14:59:00.000-05:00

Phoning One In

very similarly to the colts' level of play last sunday (listen peyton, you can beg off once in a while, but don't make it a habit 'cause a girl's got needs) today's post will be an exercise in the adage "90% of life is showing up." coach mangini's summer training camp for the jets has got nothing come holiday time in the retail industry. therefore, la commish is tired and cranky, so don't expect any literary touchdowns today.

last sunday's cliff notes highlights

the jets: lost on sunday. play-off contention suddenly bleak. sucks.
the giants: won on sunday. none of the players cried. yay!
the cowboys: lost on sunday. finally.
the colts: read intro paragraph, but we'll see who's laughing come superbowl time.
the hatriots: blow-out! giggle at their misfortune. ('blow-out' is a football term that signifies they didn't score once. kind of like la commish this month. a lot of "personal" practice time is therefore in order for them both.)
the steelers: won on sunday. solid.
the 49'-ers: [censored, for his pleasure.]

now would be a good time to share something that the head coach of DEVIL WEARS JERSEYS passed on to me several weeks ago during one of our training sessions in riverside park (read: pushing her stroller through the park while she dotes on baby and i dote on cute passerbys):

there are offices where the following 2 types of sites are made unavailable for employee viewing: porn and phantasy football.

OH MY GOD!! where are these places of employment and why do people still work at them???!!!!! la commish takes pesonal umbridge at this corporate tactic to keep a brother (or sister) down, as the intersection where porn, football, and phantasy connect is exactly where leaguofourown camps out with their thumbs in the air, looking for a ride....

speaking of fearsome....scary giant jeremy shockey recently told the press, "december is the most important month in football." (note to phreaders: i actually have no idea if he said that. i think he did, and it starts off my next paragraph quite nicely, so i'll leave it in. if any giant has libel issues to take up with me, i can be found at the marshmellow, located in crown heights, brooklyn, represent. * ) when other blogs go on vacation, (like dan from the daily dump who recently re-appeared at [redacted] http://redactedblog.blogspot.com/) they ask guest bloggers over for some tea and conversation. leaugofourown, trailblazer that she is, hangs alone, elusive and mysterious. the point: if anything of relevance happens in the next month, be sure and contact la commish personally so that she can set her ph-f team accordingly. (tips are helpful as la commish doesn't know how to cheat on yahoo football.)

la commish will now keel over onto her laptop and wonders how long it will take for customers to notice, turn native, and eventually take over the store.

*la commmish finds it impossible to utter the name of the fine burrough of brooklyn without immediately following it with 'represent!' which sometimes makes for awkward moments with cabbies. very similarly, la commish can't say the name 'tom brady' without tacking on 'BLOWS!' must be some vestigial skill that humans once possessed to recognize the extremes of greatness and suckiness....

2006-12-11T16:35:00.000-05:00

Football Free Association

running out the clock: waiting out a relationship that’s gone sour in in the hopes he’ll get the hint and go away

fumble: accidentally calling a boy by the wrong name and/or texting the wrong person about your date later that evening

special teams: who you call when your 1st or 2nd choice are busy

half-back: only one of you scores
full-back: everyone scores!

safety: breathmint and a condom

rookie: good kisser, but never knows when to bring flowers

pro-bowl: la commish’s most beloved exes, were they all to converge under one glorious roof

running back: what anyone foolish enough to leave la commish eventually does

defensive end: sure he SWEARS that he’s straight, but methinks he doth protest too much….

linebacker: he rilly DOES have the fabulous apartment and accroutements he bragged about

wide receiver: what his slutty new girlfriend is

2006-12-08T15:34:00.000-05:00

Who Is John Heisman?

a question not be "shrugged"* off, conveniently answered in today's times.
http://www.nytimes.com/2006/12/08/sports/ncaafootball/08heisman.html?_r=1&ref=sports&oref=slogin

here is a funny exerpt from the article, proving that the greats always a sense of humour:

Heisman, standing before his players when he first met them, would hold aloft a football and ask, “What is this?”
Answering his own question, Heisman said: “It is a prolate spheroid in which the outer leather casing is drawn tightly over a somewhat smaller rubber tubing.”
Heisman would pause and add: “Better to have died as a small boy than to fumble this football.”

*the worst literary pun ever made

2006-12-06T13:14:00.000-05:00

My Michael Scott Moment

so la commish was talking on the phone last night with a musician she met recently. he was telling her about his doctor's visit because he broke a finger playing touch football in central park last weekend. (hot) anyways, he tells her that his doctor says he may never play again.

this gets la commish going on a 5 minute long monologue about donavan mcnabb and his recent season-ending injury. then she realized, her musician plays a stringed instrument. and that his doctor was talking about not playing MUSIC again.

crickets.

la commish broods today; football was supposed to HELP her love life, not alienate those who might be a part of it!

"you look rather exotic. was your father a g.i.?"

putting that particular converastional gem aside, espn.com has an interesting article online about phantasy football and some NFL players' takes on it: (http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/columns/story?columnist=garber_greg&id=2684942)

la commish's qb peyton is written up as "the most successful fantasy quarterback. Through the first eight seasons of his career, he averaged better than 30 touchdown passes per season." whhheeeee!!!

as phantasy football becomes bigger and bigger, proponents cite it as a way for fans to get to know players on a more individual basis and a way to get people more involved in the game. opponents of ph-f however, complain that it breaks down team allegiance because fans are now more likely to cheer for would-be nemeses by virtue of their ph-f team. where la commish stands on the controversy: anything that will get her laid is a good, good thing.

sports illustrated published a fan letter several months back that described phantasy football as the pet rock of the new millenium. whoever wrote this obviously didn't have a phantasy qb who scores as much as petyon. now if la commish could only get him to score WITH her and not just FOR her....

la commish's phantasy position: between a rock and peyton's hard place.

2006-12-05T20:11:00.000-05:00

Strumpets and Trollops....

the girls who went down this week:
!steve holt!
liz's ligers
devil wears jerseys
last tackle in paris

the girls who liked it on top:
maniacal bulldogs
i [heart] derek jeter
the cockblockers
sporty spice

it's quarterfinal time ladies! bring your best game and prepare to play....

2006-12-05T19:50:00.000-05:00

So Much to Blog, So Little Time...

work is tackling la commish from her blind side this month, so no promises on the continuity of the posts for the next several weeks (not that there were any promises before, as la commish is not an easy woman to pin down. unless you're peyton manning and you somehow made it out to crown heights to suprise la commish with flowers and a home-cooked brunch. he can pin her down all he wants....)

the following vignette found here (http://weblogs.newsday.com/sports/football/jets/blog/) is yet another gem from whitney houston-loving jet jerricho cotchery, who has made previous blog appearances here at leagueofourown:

"WR Jerricho Cotchery had a funny observation about his life as a starting receiver this season as opposed to his first two years coming off the bench and playing mostly special teams: “I get a lot more handshakes after the game, a lot of ‘Good game, Cotch.’ Before that I was just looking for someone that I knew.”

don't forget your -vagina mono.league- fans, cotch! we've been following you for, well, not that long, but still....

2006-12-01T16:13:00.000-05:00

Guess the Caption!

1) how la commish’s sisters feel about her after the thanksgiving post.

2) what the new york giants will say to the press if they lose to the cowboys this sunday, right before staging a mutiny on coach coughlin and burning eli manning in effigy

3) what the general sentiment from the NYPD to unarmed black men in queens is

4) how la commish feels about hater #12

5) michael vick, atlanta falcons qb, reacting to angry falcons fan after their 4th consecutive loss last sunday, to the saints. amount of fine imposed for his action by the NFL: $20,000.

bet he was making the EXACT SAME gesture when he signed that check...

2006-11-30T14:15:00.000-05:00

the new york giants are in such a state of current disarray that la commish wasn't sure where to begin describing that mess to her loyal phreaders. always keen to place football within wider, more understandable realms, la commish compares the giants to her charming and lovable, yet often dysfunctional family....

If La Commish's Thanksgiving

Had Been at Giants Stadium:

la commish's baby sister, as played by giants running back tiki barber: you hear "whaa, whaa, whaaa" and then they leave

at the end.

the much maligned middle sister, as portrayed by giants head coach tom coughlin: erratic, prickly & tempremental, apt to go off on a whim and to make players cry.

la commish's mother, who decided NOT to come to thanksgiving this year, played by wide receiver plaxico burress, he who is now famous for giving up in the middle of disastrous plays that aren't worth his effort. [see: staying in indiana (my mother) and not bothering with a 'my-unathletic-friend-jason-who-throws-like-a-girl-could've thrown-a-better' pass from manning during the soul-deadening giants loss against the tennessee titans last week (plaxico).]

la commish, as interpreted by giants quarterback eli manning, the bumbling, well-meaning “head” of the team who in actuality lost control early on. good thing they’ve both got their looks to fall back on.

john, the innocent 'why-am-i-dating-into-this-family?' bystander, is acted by a surprisingly quiet (at the moment) giants tight end jeremy schockey. a team player, he just wants everyone to get along and to make a turkey (out of the cowboys next weekend.)

and last, but not least....

lola, the maniacal bulldog, who this week has much in common with defensive end michael strahan, the giant most likely to attack members of the press.

oops. almost forgot the family patriarch, aka giants GM ernie accorsi. they may not be directly involved in the weekly head-to-heads, but they rule from on high and pray for the best (that their respective teams don't kill each other and that they don't have to fire anyone this year...)

2006-11-30T13:15:00.000-05:00

What Do the Following Two Have in Common?

dwight schrute: what was your mile time?
toby: about seven.
dwight schrute: i could beat that on a skateboard.
toby: well, that has wheels.
dwight schrute: yeah, well, my feet don't. and i could still crush that time.

plaxico burress (giants wr): "he wouldn't have made that play if he was on a skateboard." (about cowboys saftety roy williams)

2006-11-28T13:43:00.000-05:00

Football is All Around Us:

Guilty Pleasures

since cablevision brooklyn doesn't feel the need to provide monday night NFL to lowly basic cable subscribers like la commish, she has turned to other sources on mondays to get her football on.

enter CW sitcom the game, conveniently aired at the 9:30 time slot to set up studio 60. (la commish would love to make a sports themed reference here about how one hands off to the other, but falls shy due to insufficient knowledge of terminology. the sentiment is there, anyways.)

how can she spin this to make it sound intellectual and worthwhile as opposed to highlighting that it's a girlfriends spin-off with not much redeeming value save for the fact that the boys in the show are cute?

by descrbing it as an american take with an urban (read: black) twist on the bbc america series footballer's wives?

doubtful.

-la commish, who worries not about the pot but about the CW killing her brain cells

2006-11-24T12:55:00.000-05:00

Always A Bledsoe, Never a Bride

poor drew bledsoe, the currently benched quarterback for the dallas cowboys. things started out so well: as #1 draft pick by the new england hatriots back in '93, the future was bright and the world was his oyster. but then, internal bleeding in a 2001 game against the giants forced him to sit out. his back up qb, tom brady (aka hater #12), went on to win 3 superbowls in his position.

then traded to the buffalo bills, of late bledsoe has been seen with the cowboys, where he got back together with his former hatriots coach bill parcells. but proving once again why getting back together with an ex is never a good idea, parcells decided to move on and 5 games ago replaced drew with the current cowboys flavor of the month, tony romo.

thunder stealer tony romo, dallas cowboys qb (r.)

quarterback-come-lately tony romo, in typical new squeeze fashion, has turned the cowboys around and put them in contention for an NFC east championship. (ed. note: it sucks when the new girlfriend is prettier than you, doesn't it?) during yesterday's thanksgiving day victory against the tampa bay buccaneers, romo threw five touchdowns, completing 9 of 10 passes in the 2nd half and earning himself comparisons to previous greats like troy aikman.

brokenhearted qb drew bledsoe:

"on my own/once again/this wasn't how it was supposed to be...."

all’s fair in life and love. but especially, in football....

2006-11-21T13:11:00.000-05:00

Ding, Dong! The Witch is Dead!

sadly (for the philadelphia eagles and phantasy football fans everywhere) their cutie qb donovan mcnabb went down during sunday's game against the titans. a torn ACL (the same affliction which back in the day took out la commish's high school quarterback and homecoming king) will keep him on the puppy list for the rest of the season. sigh. this should've been a big year for him. leagueofourown is sad to see him go and wishes him a happy and speedy recuperation.

fit for a queen(lyd):

donovan throwing, before injuring his ACL on sunday.

leagueofourown IS happy, however, for one reason. mcnabb's season-ending injury means that i [heart] derek jeter's reign of terror has been contained, at least in reference to the vagina -mono.league.- look for wild cards the maniacal bulldogs to make a championship run in the final weeks, not to mention steady #2 last tackle in paris.

a picture of the head coach of i [heart] derek jeter

la commish (l.) next to the wicked witch of the midwest and her mother (r.) at the hoosier dome.

speaking of mothers: check out www.mamamcnabb.com.

you can trust a man who does right by his mother....

2006-11-21T12:36:00.000-05:00

First Colts Loss of the Season

(to the Cowboys, 21-14 last Sunday)

peyton, sweetie:

don't worry about it! you were probably just tired. and you've been under a tremendous amount of stress lately. it's just one game. to be honest, i didn't feel like winning either. just being together during sunday afternoon football is enough sometimes.

trust me. it happens to ALL the quarterbacks...

2006-11-17T13:32:00.001-05:00

Twins!

one of the better parts of living in manhattan is the possibility of spotting a celebrity at any moment. every new yorker has a dream celebrity sighting, the star who would be the icing on the not-so-tasty cake (of high rents, crowded subways, and too many tourists taking up valuable sidewalk space) that is the modern urban existence.

la commish has long nursed the possibility of walking into the bathroom of a downtown club and spotting la lindsay. presumably on all fours in front of a toilet spewing her coked up lungs out and in need of a friend to hold her hair, rub her back and whisper "there, there." (it could happen.)

a close second would be an olsen sighting. but they apparently do not frequent the same watering holes as la commish for she had yet to add this particular feather in her new york cap. until last sunday!

who should breeze by la commish & company at the entrance of the downtown williams-sonoma? (after the sports-viewing debacle that was attempting to enter jim, the gay sports bar of chelsea, in the company of self-hating queers who objected to a very hetero yours truly enjoying the eagles game without worry of getting hit on.) none other than mary-kate olsen!

below are la commish's observations of m-k, play-by-play…

--she looks JUST LIKE she does in the tabloids. way too skinny, stringy hair, and weirdly outfitted.

-la commish was dismayed to discover that in her stiletto booties, m-k was in fact taller than la commish.

-on the weight issue (moral quandary about judging a woman based on her weight aside): to quote a fellow onlooker, "when she turns sideways, she looks like a subway pole." the girl is S-K-I-N-N-Y!

the spectacular m-k sighting was enough to lead another of la commish's gay companions to comment that for a girl worth upwards of 3 billion dollars, he would happily turn straight. la commish was forced to admit that (keeping in mind her current visa bill) she would forsake her heterosexuality for a lot less.

as synonymous as the olsen twins are to the nyu-cum-celebutante downtown scene, there's another set of twins that la commish would much rather whore her sexuality to. that would be the barber twins, tiki and ronde. if there were ever a pair of NFL brothers who could reduce la commish to a shakepseare love sonnet-quoting puddle of mush (well, after eli & petyon) it would likely be ronde and tiki.

football eye candy.

what a sight to behold. why, tiki's biceps alone are enough to make la commish's eye glaze over for a couple of seconds. they're as big as her waist!!

history, which has a funny way of repeating itself (though not necessarily in football, eh steelers? doesn't look the reigning superbowl champs will make a repeat trip this year, making la commish's purchase of the ben reothlisberger jersey a regrettable fashion decision.) beginning with the famous biblical brothers cain and abel, there has always been a good sibling and a bad sibling. here is the latest example:

The Good Twins:

ashley olsen
affiliation: new york university

Status: billionairess

Goals: to graduate college and conquer lower manhattan in the name of olsen

tiki barber

Affiliation: new york giants running back

status: wife ginny, 2 young sons

goals: retire at the end of this season and take up golf, sports commentating

The bad twins:

ronde barber

affiliation: corner back for the tampba bay buccaneers

status: wife claudia and 2 young daughters

why he is bad: 20 lbs heavier than his brother, not to mention more heterosexual-seeming. plus five tattoos.

mary-kate olsen

affiliation: she belongs to the world.

status: a penchance for paris hilton cast-offs

why she is bad: college drop-out. skinny crystal meth afficionada. need we say more?

and if that good twin/bad twin dichotomy is not enough…

teammates: feel-good children's book about sports that teaches young ones about teamwork, setting goals, and having fun! written by the barbers.

switching goals: feel-good tween movie about sports that teaches young ones about teamwork, setting goals, and having fun! starring the olsens.

2006-11-15T19:42:00.000-05:00

Best Friends Forever?

for those of you who live under a rock and hadn't heard, the new york jets TROUNCED the new england hatriots last sunday at gillette stadium. (god obviously heeded the prayers of la commish.) the two teams, never that friendly to begin with, are now mortal enemies thanks to the mischief-making of their respective head coaches.

"i don't like you!"

hatriots coach bill belichick very blatantly snubbed his former assistant, barely looking at him as they shook hands after E's gang green victory.

come on boys: if paris and hilton can kiss and make up, why can't you?

2006-11-09T18:47:00.000-05:00

Boys Gone Wild!

in a move stolen from the albert hayneworth playbook, witness the nfl's newest delinquents, oakland raider tyler brayton and seattle seahawk jeremy stevens.

brayton (left) was fined $25,000 while stevens (right) was fined $15,000 for this altercation which occured during last monday's game.

what could've led the boys to throw down, manhood a manhood? la commish is guessing lover's quarrel...

2006-11-09T13:24:00.000-05:00

Would You Take Phantasy Football Advice from this Man?

no, because he's dead. and would most likely send your entire offense to vietnam. history is repeating itself. la commish, who firmly believes in keeping the boys out of a now meaningless war that we'll never win (so that they may fight for all we hold dear here on the homefront--life, liberty, and the pursuit of a colts superbowl win!), offers the following advice to her competitors on how best to stack your ph-f. teams for this weekend, utilizing our hometown boys, the giants....(take special note, last tackle in paris....):

amani toomer, all time leading receiver for the giants (la commish should be so lucky as "receive" amani into her homefront) looks to be a solid scorer going into this weekend's league play. a fine addition to any ph-f. team matched against la commish....

other giants to root for this weekend:

wr plaxico burress

lb carlos emmons

cb sam madison

wr sinorice moss

lb brandon short

Good luck, to all ph-f. competitors - our season is halfway over!

may the better woman win....

the better woman (l.) pictured here with rival head coach sporty spice

2006-11-07T18:08:00.000-05:00

Life of Blog:
So Many Blogs, So Little Time...

la commish realized pretty immediately after posting her last entry that in phantasy football it would be impossible to draft michael strahan because he's a de (defensive something), each phantasy football team being comprised of 7 offensive players, a kicker, and a defense. so in google pursuit of equally astounding offensive players for her opponents to fill their rosters with, she accidentally tumbled into the welcoming internet arms of http://www.thesportstruth.com/2006/11/tony-romo-pines-for-jessica-simpson.html.

then, waiting in the wings to offer sartorial advice to scary steeler joey porter, she ran into http://www.themightymjd.com/.

though their priorities include other non-football related sports (quel beasts!), these 2 blogs are worthy of some qt time with leagueofourown. after all, there's no such thing as a perfect man (though the little man below comes close)... only the perfect manning!

la commish, working her magic on yet another doting admirer, the heir to the LIZ'S LYGERS phantasy football throne.

2006-11-07T15:31:00.000-05:00

To LAST TACKLE IN PARIS:

la commish is going to see death cab for cutie tomorrow night. [that is the LAST time disparaging remarks are made (in jest) about boys who call during football games!]

boys who don't play football. they play music.

as la commish is going head to head in the -vagina mono.league- this sunday against LAST TACKLE IN PARIS, she should probably be working more to build up a winning team, but la commish has many officiating duties to tend to.

she offers instead this winning tip sure to take LAST TACKLE's team over the edge to victory: pick up giants de (defensive end?) michael strahan, who has by far the best nfl.com mug shot. ever.

come hither!

just some friendly advice from your friend and fellow football afficionado....

2006-11-06T12:29:00.000-05:00

The Morning After....

this is how la commish feels after watching the indianapolis colts have their way with the new england rats last night, 27-20.

"retribution is ours, bitches!!"

who knew you could wake up so happily, and all without an exorbitant bar tab and the accompanying notch on the lipstick case to show for it? onward to the superbowl....

but first, LA COMMISH'S NOTES ON THE GAME...

attention, all boys who want me: calling me in the middle of a colts game??!! seriously?

speaking of dicks.... lying on the couch in a chilli & red burgundy-induced food coma, la commish couldn't help but notice how the camera inexplicably continued to pan to the back of evil #12's head. which la commish very grudgingly admits is quite smartly coiffed, considering that he was sporting a sweaty helmet head. (not to mention the look of utter defeat in his beady little eyes.) la commish wonders: is tom brady a man of the people, who goes to his local barbershop when in need of a trim, or is he a fancy salon man? she's betting he's a fancy salon man, judging by the perfection of his locks. wuss. all the hair gel in the world couldn't save him from getting his ass whupped by her boy peyton, allowing 4 interceptions, 5 turnovers, and accumulating only 201 yards on 20 of 35 passing. (which is the fancy way that rats.com described having their footballs served on a platter slathered with colts special sauce.)

and the play of the day goes to... colts wideout (do they just make up these positions as they go along?) marvin harrison, who caught the impossible catch while managing to keep both feet on the ground and scoring a TD late in the 3rd quarter. (or it might've been the 4th quarter. red burgundy does a lot to turn a girl's memory screwy.) imagine what he could do with both feet OFF the ground....

magic hands marvin, about to catch a beauty from peyton, sometime late in the game.

but although he had a great night, he's still only a colt she'd shake hands with and congratulate profusely.

la commish is reserving the rest of her body parts to MVP of the game (and of her heart)....

peytie pie, who could get play every day from yours truly.

and finally, the dumb sports announcer call of the day goes to.... whoever it was that described a colts player as "squirting out of bounds." a phrase which struck fear in the heart of la commish, as squirting out of bounds is the thing she is most fearful of. (after the thought that her missing keys are most likely in the hands of a sociopathic neighbor who is currently plotting to kill her in her sleep.) la commish, and the world, are not yet ready for either her early demise or for a la commish, jr....

Happy Monday!

2006-11-04T13:08:00.000-05:00

Book Club!!

i've only read the first 3 chapters, but i learned more about football from them than from all of my drunken inquiries to hot boys in bars combined!!

order it, buy it, check it out from your local library. i will be blogging about this book as i continue reading it, so look for more book club updates soon....

2006-11-03T16:55:00.000-05:00

Curtis Martin: Phantom Boyfriend?

have you ever had one of those friends who's always rapturizing about her long-distance boyfriend and how great and romantic and sexy he is? the great boyfriend who you never actually meet and who somehow manages to never visit, even though he's so thoughtful? that's kind of what curtis martin (giants running back) reminds me of.

in the short time that i've been following football, i've heard OF him but i've never actually SEEN him. he's been on the giants injured list since the beginning of the season. well, curtis officially took himself out of the game this past week, siting a bone-on-bone knee situation that was too much even for his high pain threshold. curtis martin, we never knew you....

curtis joins teammate lavar arrington on the puppy list (well, technically it's PUP - physically unable to perform - but i'll take the opportunity to objectify hot men whenever possible) who went in a flash of injured glory during a game against the cowboys 3 weeks ago.

i've gonna have to start taking the same advice that i give my mother regarding my boyfriends: don't get too attached to the players, because you never know when they'll be subbed out forever....

2006-11-02T19:30:00.000-05:00

THE FRIDAY TAILGATE*

Chateau Le Grand Sigognac

2001 Red Bordaux

this cabernet sauvignon/merlot blend comes from a small estate in the medoc region of bordeaux, france, whose owners take great care to produce an artisinal wine that is classic and refined. this 2001 LE GRAND SIGNOGNAC is an easy-drinking, feminine red that exhibits spiciness on the palate and a smooth herbal finish. it makes a wonderful accompaniment to....football!!

you may have trouble finding this small producer at your local wine shop, but it's worth seeking out. it's available online (www.beaconwine.com) or visit beacon wines & spirits on manhattan's upper west side.

[disclaimer: la commish will win $200 bucks at work if she sells a ton of this wine by the end of the month. that, and she'll get her boss off her back so that she can continue to blog all day. wine makes lovely stocking stuffers, people! buy now for your superbowl parties.]

*please note the above format change for this weekly section. the design dept. decided that having photo of a giant fish on this web site was, how shall we say...innapropriate for a blog entitled the vagina -mono.league.- so enjoy the new tail! (lord knows la commish always does - though she's not a huge fan of pussies....)

2006-11-02T14:45:00.000-05:00

The Drakkar Noir Award

for those who don't quite have their finger on the pulse of what is socially acceptable....

though leagueofourown concentrates specifically on the NFL, we are slumming down to college ball happenings in order to award the first undistinguished dishonoree. that would be brian kinchen, for his fabulously inappropriate commentating during a college football game last weekend. kinchen was explaining the need for receivers to make catches with their hands because they are "tender" and can "caress" the ball. he finished his soliloquy with "that's kind of gay, but hey ..."

i'm not taking the blog down the slippery slope of what constitutes discrimination in today's politically correct world (though this does qualify as homophobia and i will fight this one to your death.) instead, i scoff at mr. kinchen's lack of professionalism. in my line of work, i would never refer to a particular bottle of wine as being "gay." nor would my lawyer friends refer to a particular court decision as being "gay" nor would my musician friends refer to a specific aria as being "gay" and so on.... to refer to the glorious sport of football, sport of kings (and queens, no doubt!) in those terms debases the entire foundation of honor, responsibility, and playing-to-win attitude that the sport is based on.

mr. kinchen, please contact our media relations department immediately, so that we may ship your prize bottle of drakkar noir cologne!

2006-10-30T14:24:00.000-05:00

(More) Tenets of Football

la commish was forced to bench herself sunday afternoon in order to control the raging headache and vomitous tendencies brought on by a still-fuzzy pre-halloween saturday night of partying, rousing herself just in time to catch the kick-off for the cowboys/panthers game (cowboys kicked ass and heralded a new age of tony romo as qb). romo's successful quarterbacking was a hit with cowboys fans, not unlike the splash that la commish's naughty librarian halloween costume made with upper west siders.

in a hazy, aspirin-fueled daze, la commish once again considered decorating her new living room in dallas cowboy blues and lamented how closely set tony romo's eyes appeared.

tony romo, newest dallas cowboys quarterback. notice how well he fills out his ice blue tights; also the unfortunate neanderathal-like positioning of his eyes. incidentally, he "passed for 270 yards and a TD in his first NFL start on Sunday night" according to si.com.

as la commish settled in for the evening to watch the game, she felt something growing in the pit of her stomach. luckily, this time it wasn't all the alcohol she had consumed on god knows who's tab at the bar, but instead a flash of enlightenment as it began to dawn on her just how exactly football is played.

why, it's nothing more than an analogy for dating in new york city!!

leagueofourown’s guide to football terminology,
football-ized for her pleasure: (and in cowboy tights blue!)

simply put, the team with possession of the ball has 4 downs to move the ball 10 yards. if they don't achieve this, then possession of the ball is lost. (each down gets your team closer to the goalposts, which is where you score touchdowns.)

kind of like how la commish gives a new beau 4 dates to wine and dine her. if by the 4th date, said beau has failed to impress her, then she stops returning his calls and/or remembers a work deadline that is going to keep her RILLY BUSY for the next several weeks, if not months.

here are some commonly heard terms that will prove useful to phreaders:

*1st and 10:
wikipedia - first down with 10 yards to go for a new first down.

la commish: the first date. you are ever hopeful and the possibilities for scoring are endless. with any luck, things go well and you kiss at the end of a successful night, resulting in another first down, err date, but this time closer to scoring position. eventually, you want to find yourself in the endzone, scoring touchdowns all night long, and if you're lucky, he'll buy you brunch!

*2nd & 5th:
wikipedia: second down with 5 yards to go. similarly, 2nd and 10, 3rd and 2, etc.

la commish: 2nd date, no one's made a move yet. but you've had a decent time, dinner was good, some funny jokes were told, so you say what the hell and agree to a third date.

*3rd & long:
wikipedia: third down with an unspecified but significant distance to go. Often used as a metaphor for a desperate situation that demands risky actions be taken.

la commish: you're both pretty busy, have been forced to string the dates along for an inordinate amount of time, momentum is lacking...this is a last ditch attempt to initiate something with a decent guy you wouldn't mind getting to know better, though you know that the timing is lousy and probably working against the future of this relationship. expensive gifts sometimes (most often fruitlessly) come into play at this point. it's a long shot, but stranger things have happened. (like the 3 months la commish spent in hong kong with that idiot middle-manager....)

another way to look at it: you're lloyd dobler. you've got one chance with diane court at the biggest party of the year. you know you might never see her again. this is you holding up your boombox and blasting peter gabriel.

*4th down:
nfl.com: if the offense reaches fourth down, it usually punts the ball (kicks it away). This forces the other team to begin its drive further down the field.

la commish: maybe he wore birkenstocks on one of your dates. answered a call from his mother in the middle of dinner. was intolerably rude to the waitstaff. whatever. at this point, you’ve completely given up, so you punt him (aka kick him to the curb). You make sure you kick him as far away as possible so as to assure that he never comes near you again.

*4th and inches:
you’re like jim in the office. (sigh) it’s the final attempt. you went for it on the 3rd down and got denied, but you’re so close to getting your ten yards that you try one last time. if you don’t get it, you’re heartbroken and left in a vulnerable situation (you’re giving your opponent the ball with good field positioning), which means you might have to transfer to the connecticut branch of dunder mifflin. if you get it, angels sing, the heavens align, and you score another first down (or in jim's case, his first date with pam.)

see, understanding football is easier than finding a drunk i-banker to buy you drinks at a midtown bar on a thursday night!

also look for upcoming TENETS OF FOOTBALL, in which la commish analyzes the phallic symbolism of the touchdown goal posts....

2006-10-30T12:48:00.000-05:00

Breaking News!
La Commish Announces Early Retirement

Brooklyn, NY (AP) -- After many extremely successful seasons in the world of international 'datant', La Commish has officially announced her plans to retire from the world of dating. Inspired by Giants running back Tiki Barber, who last week informed the world of football that this would be his last season, La Commish is also choosing to exit while still on top of her game, if no longer her men.

"99 Problems But a Bitch Ain't One"

"There's a lot of pressure and competition right now. I still have a lot of love for my many suitors out there, but my heart is no longer in the game. Like Jay-Z, I've lived through the Bed-Stuy years and survived to tell the tale. I'm past the bling, the international intrigue, the ho's in different areas codes....now it's time to concentrate on career, friends, family, and of course, football. I will honor any previous commitments I may have (drunkenly) made, but I plan on adding no more digits into my little black playbook."

La Commish, who's numbers (and measurments) certainly speak for themselves, says she plans to devote herself to charitable works and shares that she hasn't ruled out coaching. "Thanks to all the men I've loved before....and to the magnum men especially."

2006-10-26T13:54:00.000-04:00

I Will Always Love Yooouuu, Jericho Cotchery!

so, i do my own laundry because:
a) i believe that having it done for you is elitist, bordering on colonial
b) i can catch up on my reading

this morning, i'm at the laundromat at an ungodly early hour scouring back editions of new york sports pages that have been piling up (i do the work dear phreaders, so that you don't have to) and come across a touchy-feely psa put out by the new york jets every week in the daily news. normally, there's an interview with one of the players, along with healthy tips like how to make your own granola mix or how if you're fat no one will love you.

this week's interviewee was jericho cotchery, jets wr-kr. (i reserve comment on his position until i figure out what it is.) the interview consisted mostly of the usual "eat healthy, don't play with guns" kind of shtick. but one thing caught my eye: jericho shared that he enjoys working out while listening to uptempo music, such as songs by whitney houston.

wtf??!! your mama gave you a bad-ass name like jericho and here you are in this psa earnestly calling out...WHITNEY HOUSTON!! even i wouldn't call out whitney houston, and i'm 5 foot 2 and 1/2 inch little tan girl (hottie), not a big tough supposedly threatening jock!! but i suppose it's kinda cute and heartwarming...especially in light of all the ron mexico's out there just itching* to kill a girl's game. let's just hope that come superbowl time, jericho isn't belting out "didn't we almost have it all"....

and look for upcoming psa's featuring the recently injured lavar arrington (NEW YORK LOVES YOU LAVAR!!), giants olb (old little bastard? offensive line backer?). in which he ruminates on life, fate, the deliciousness of carrot sticks, and the complete works of barbara streisand....

*std joke, for those who didn't "catch it." oh, look i did it again!

2006-10-17T14:07:00.000-04:00

3 Heads are Better than 1

a wonderful football ice cream sundae.

frame 1: "hi, i'm barry cofield (#96) and this is my teammate fred robbins (#98). we thought we'd come by and introduce ourselves. we're DT's (defensive tackles?) for the giants."

frame 2: "hi, i'm michael vick, quarterback for the atlanta falcons. but you can call me ron mexico."

frame 3: "too bad la commish isn't in the middle of this to supervise...."

***

ok, so maybe that's not exactly how it went down. but if you take a look at the trashtalk that followed the giants victory over the atlanta falcons 2 sundays ago, it's kinda close:

michael vick, atlanta falcons quarterback, on giants D: "a vanilla defensive scheme"

antonio pierce, giants linebacker: "well, if it was vanilla, how come he didn't do better?"

lavar arrington, giants linebacker: "whether it was vanilla or not, the bottom line is it was good vanilla...i think it has a little bit of a caramel swirl in it. it was a little tasty."

la commish, fan & blog writer: "yum. i'll be the cherry you can put on top."

***

having spent many hours at work staring into space and in an attempt to make myself invisible, i had a lot of time to ponder the current vick situation. here is the outcome of my worplace ruminations:

michael vick = ugg Boots

like the ubiquituous ugg boots, vick has a lot of naysayers. but season after season, there they are, adorning both the feet of women everywhere and the georgia dome. both are possessing of a particular style; the ugg boot as the shoe that goes with nothing and everything at the same time, michael vick as the left hand throwing quarterback who is known for his tremendous quickness yet technically poor (seeming) football skills. both have been accused of being overhyped; both have been lauded for their unique style. uggs & michael vick....controversial, misunderstood, and brimming with "personality."

in a final vick note concerning sexual safety, i encourage all my phreaders to google the name 'ron mexico'. suffice it to say, this blog will not be sponsoring any "win a date with michael vick" contests anytime soon...

2006-10-15T19:44:00.000-04:00

2 Heads are Better Than 1

this is the current love of la commish's life. she depends on him whenever she wants to score. so what happens when peyton has a bye week and la commish is left to her own devices?

what usually happens when boys get complacent. having no colts action to watch, la commish switched channels and stumbled upon this dreamy lovetoy -

jim from the office, played by manhattan-based actor john krasinki

la commish certainly has a type....

2006-10-12T16:19:00.000-04:00

The Friday Tailgate

read about the various sundries la commish puts in her mouth.

well, those of a vinous nature, anyways...

cape mentelle wines of western australia

CAPE MENTELLE wines, this week's selection, were chosen for the approachability of both the wine and of their winemaker rob mann (both are yummy morsels, though la commish prefers drinking the former while engaging the latter over dinner.)

CAPE MENTELLE sauvignon blanc/semillon...

for white wine lovers, you'll find this bottle to be a great tailgating wine. it's punchy, vibrant, fresh and manages to retain its acidity with the saltiest of dishes. (this means you can pair it with french fries, potato chips and other classic tailgating fare.) taste-wise, it leans towards the fruit-forward side of dry, making it an excellent sipping wine for the sundays you'll laze away on the couch. in terms of size, this is fairly full-bodied and long on the finish...just how la commish like her men!

CAPE MENTELLE 'trinders' cabernet/merlot blend...

by now, even the most neophyte of wine drinkers should have caught on to the wine powerhouse that is australia. as recently as 10 years ago, australia was a small player in the world of wine, then along came a little brand called yellowtail....to put it another way, if wine were american idol, then australia would be kelly clarkson. the meteoric rise of australian wine to global prominence has everything to do with quality, fruitiness, drinkability, and affordability. the CAPE MENTELLE 'trinders' is based upon the classic blend of grapes found in the bordeaux region of france. the cabernet lends fullness while the merlot gives softness and cherry flavors. this is another great bottle to drink alone or with various snacks.

CAPE MENTELLE is a very popular brand (they're partners with the champagne house of veuve clicquot) so your local wine shop should carry them. (if not, you can buy them at http://www.beaconwines.com). incidentally, CAPE MENTELLE also make a chardonnay and a shiraz which are definitely worth checking out if you prefer these varietals.

happy tailgating!

2006-10-11T17:06:00.000-04:00

“I’ve Got 2 Tickets to Paradise” *

‘I’ve got two tickets in my pocket/

now baby, we're gonna disappear/

We've waited so long, waited so long/

I've got two tickets to paradise/

Won't you pack your bags, we'll leave tonight/

I've got two tickets to paradise!”

incidentally, this is what paradise looks like...

*la commish actually scored 3 tickets (the third one is for her mom) but that didn't go with the song....

2006-10-10T14:05:00.000-04:00

Straight from the Pages of La Commish's (little black) Play Book

Eric Mangini (aka E to -mono.league-phreaders), newbie head coach of the ny jets

sunday's embarrassing new york jets loss to the jacksonville jaguars (41-0) creates morale problems this week for E and his boys. 2 weeks ago, they were beaten by the colts, but thanks mostly to some gutsy coaching by E, not to mention the fact that everyone knows peyton's manhood is uncontested territory in the NFL, fans and players alike had high hopes coming into last weekend's game. but the jets got trounced, and now new york wants some answers:

"Mangini took the analytical approach. Referring to the key plays in the defeat, he said, 'The seperation between success and failure on those plays could be as little as six inches.'

But six inches can add up to a mile, as the Jets discovered the hard way." *

tell me something i don't know, E. as for taking it analytically... i hope you're using protection.

-la commish, who wonders whether the jets also have trouble walking the day after "discovering things the hard way"

*ny daily news

2006-10-07T15:57:00.000-04:00

A Football Musical in 4 Quarters

during the last tenessee titans/dallas cowboys game, dt (defensive tackle?) albert hayneworth infamously stomped on cowboy center andre gurod's face, which resulted in 30 stitches and the stiffest league penalty ever, imposed on haynesworth.

there.is.no.excuse. for stomping on someone's face (with cleats!) for no apparent reason. but what if there were a good reason?

1st quarter

where la commish meets a beautiful baby and agrees to teach him about the sexes and oh's.

2nd quarter

where after years of friendship and dating, things turn serious and he invites la commish to move to his city. but right before she's set to move, HE DISAPPEARS! "little pewee" ignores her on valentine's day, skips her birthday, and ultimately becomes the root cause for la commish's year-long near homelessness.

3rd quarter

where little peewee reappears after 7 months of silence and proceeds to leave late-night voicemails, texts, and the occasional e-mail filled with growing desperation (yet nary an apologetic note) as it slowly dawns on him that he's an unforgiveable no-talent and that he's been relegated to a life of minor league-ers.

4th quarter

where little peweee (who still doesn't get that he's lost the game) continues to make such a ninny of himself that la commish is forced to cancel her friday night dinner plans to have a chat with him. insert kick to face with cleat. deserved.

Moral of the Story

never ball a boy with a small pigskin.

2006-10-04T15:58:00.000-04:00

Found: -mono.league- Headquarters

exerpt from today's TIMES dining section:

Free Food at Halftime

On Mondays at Oblivia, 201 Lafayette Street (Broome Street), where there are four flat screen television sets, free food is served at halftime during Monday night football.

2006-10-04T14:12:00.000-04:00

Football Wishes and Commissioner Dreams

"the course of true love never did run smooth," as witnessed by the frenetic travel schedule of a woman in love....

OH (FOOT)BALLOCKS! ticketmaster.com is denying me the ablility to purchase tickets for this game online. but it's also not telling me that it's sold-out.... i will check ebay. keep your fingers crossed for me.
--------------------------------
Saturday, October 21:
Depart: 7:35pm Newark, NJ (EWR)
Arrive: 9:53pm evening
Indianapolis, IN Indianapolis International (IND)

Sunday, October 22:
4:15pm: COLTS VS WASHINGTON REDSKINS @ THE HOOSIER DOME!!

Monday, October 23:
Depart: 6:50am Indianapolis, Indiana (IND)
Arrive: 8:51am morning
Newark, NJ (EWR)

2006-10-03T13:25:00.000-04:00

Must See TV: Friday Night Lights

tuesday is a day of no football games. [sad] so if you're home tonight at 8pm, tune into friday night lights on nbc, a new drama about high school football. [happy]

-la commish, whose dream dinner-and a-movie date would be restaurant daniel followed by grid iron gang

2006-10-03T13:03:00.000-04:00

-mono.league- standings
...the tops and bottoms as we head into week 4 of play....

1st place - i [heart] derek jeter!
head coach: myron, currently on location in puerto rico
asst. coach: steelerfanxl, of the bensonhurst maniacal bulldogs
cheerleaders: her dad.

2nd place - last tackle in paris
head coach: nix
asst. coach: jdate.com
cheerleaders: dc_99listserv

3rd place - !steve holt!
head coach: la commish
asst. coach: the man behind the woman.
cheerleaders: the manning brothers

4th place - devil wears jerseys
head coach: no scrubs
asst. coach: nerdy but tough
cheerleaders: yale class of 2026

5th place - sporty spice
head coach: somber katz
asst. coach: sam malone
cheerleaders: jewish harlem tenants association

6th place - liz's ligers
head coach: kelly mcgillis
asst. coach: maverick
cheerleader: goose. i mean, gus!

7th place - the maniacal bulldogs
head coach: hey there, perfect...
asst. coach: maniacal lola
cheerleaders: the jets manleaders!

8th place - the cockblockers
head coach: tylenol overdose
asst. coach: the grim reaper
cheerleaders: the ghosts of football past, present & future

2006-10-02T16:57:00.000-04:00

Playing by the Rules

this post is a direct response to the head coach of the maniacal bulldogs, who accused la commish of being a "rules" girl. as if. thanks to the triple threat of good genetics, orthodontia, and a winning personality, la commish makes her own rules!

but it did get her thinking....

The Rules, Football-ized for Her Pleasure:

rule #1 - "be a creature unlike any other."

(joey porter, pittsburgh steelers linebacker)

rule #2 - "show up to parties, dances, and social events even if you don't feel like it."

we could all take a lesson from (sometimes party pooper) terrell owens. he'd obviously rather be dead, but he still shows up and plays for the cowboys.

rule #3 - "it's a fantasy relationship unless a man asks you out."
fantasy relationship? (foot)bollocks! this is phantasy FOOTBALL, baby!!

rule #4 - "in an office romance, do not e-mail him back every time unless it is business related."
so THAT'S what was going on with the mangini-belichick freeze a couple of weeks ago...

rule #5 - "if you are in a long-distance relationship, he must visit you at least three times before you visit him."
what if it's a dysfunctional relationship and you never want to see him again? do you hear that, tom brady?

rule #6 - "when considering whether to use personal ads or other dating services, you should place the ad and let men respond to you."
or you could make witty and thought-provoking comments on a football blog.

rule #7: "if he does not call, he is not interested. period."
now that's unfair. peyton's just got a lot on his mind at this time of year, that's all....

rule #8: "close the deal. rules women do not date men for more than two years."
2 years??!! if my boys don't produce on a WEEKLY basis, they get traded for a higher-scoring player. and that goes for my phantasy football line-up as well....

rule #9: "Buyer beware-observe his behavior so that you do not end up up with mr. wrong."
ain't it the truth, bill parcells?

rule #10: "keep doing the rules even when things are slow."
sounds like the defensive strategy for the jets this year. didn't their mama's teach them that no man will respect you if they know they can score whenever they want to?

ta-da!
-la commish, who's spicy like hot sauce

2006-09-29T14:11:00.000-04:00

Life of Blog

Crush of the Week

(not this kind of crush)

sports fans, has this ever happened to you? you meet a terrific guy - let's call him steve. he's cute, funny, and drives a cool car, so you get all excited about your new boyfriend prospects. then you meet his friends - let's call them brandon and dylan. and you smack yourself on the head because by committing too early to steve, you missed your chance with his much hotter friends.

i'm sure this could serve as an analogy for phantasy football (like maybe picking a kicker too early in the draft) but since our draft was automatically done by yahoo (the equivalent of having your parents pick your prom date) i'll let it slide.

the point is, leagueofourown has been scoping out larry from thisiswhatwedonow for positively months. (though the nerve to comment has yet to materialize.) well, larry recently referenced dan over at dailydump which intrigued leagueofourown. upon further investigation, a new love was born. (sorry, larry.) the worst part is, dailydump is no longer posting!

leagueofourown hates conforming to female stereotypes (unless they're postive ones regarding her hot-blooded latina passion*) but she wants what she can't have!!

oh, unrequited blog love....

check out: http://thedailydump.blogspot.com, if you can tear yourself away from phatasy footballing....

-la commish, who believes to this day that emily valentine got shafted by scriptwriters

*with the exception of those voiced by loco politico arnold schwarzenegger, in which case they sound gross and totally inappropriate.

2006-09-28T04:35:00.000-04:00

Hard Day's Night

during the day, you drink your coffee, work hard, punch in and punch out.

at night, it’s not so simple. in la commish’s case, a late night phone call from the west coast, land of the cultivated game, prompts her to open an ill-advised bottle of white at 3:30 in the morning and light a much deserved cigarette. (ill-advised solely b/c the quality of the wine is in her professional opinion questionable, nothing to do with the big work deadline she has to deal with the next day as 5am approaches, large and awake.)

in the case of texas, the night perhaps didn’t lead to talk of love of philosophy but to the lack of it. and tasks for which one feels unprepared for loom larger than they should. maybe one pill accidentally turns to a couple dozen. as one person publicly suicides (whether by accident or by design) another questions why.

my intent in writing this blog was to learn a little football, have a little fun, and maybe score a couple of hotties along the way. but in the face of tragedy (which something like this is, no matter how “accidental” it turns out to be spun), perhaps there’s an element of guilt in my thoughts tonight.

just like in a way we are all a bit responsible for the horrendous state of the union today, we collectively pick our idols (or let them be chosen for us.)

maybe t.o. is nothing more than a man, standing in front of a crowd, asking us to love him. in effect i, as a fan, put him there. So now i have no choice (no responsible choice) but to respectfully let him do his thing.

la commish (who if you haven’t noticed by now is enamored by words) adores the following quote as a testament to all that is good about life and love: ”that love is reverence, and worship, and glory, and the upward glance.” up until now, i’ve been lucky not to ever have met its flipside:

“if you’re trouble then I’l follow you down…”

Respectfully.

-La, commish, silently drinking a toast of good fortune to terrell the man (though she’ll trade t.o. the phantasy football player asap as soon as she figures out how!)

2006-09-27T23:32:00.000-04:00

Are You There, Commissioner-in-the-Sky? It's Me, Lydia:

dear gods of football:

my oldest, dearest, most bestest friend has an uncle (a cool uncle of whom i have always spoken highly of in addition to his lovely family) with... (wait for it) colts season tickets!! jesting (desperately wanting) i mentioned how lovely it would be to see a colts game this season at the hoosier dome.

i just spoke with my bestie and.... it could happen.

are you sitting down, dear phreaders?

la commish might, just might, see peyton in all his glory.

let it be thus.

-otherwise known as la commish, the great

[editor's note: la commish acknowledges that her male phreadership probably overlooked this evening's literary references, but this is after all a FEMALE-ONLY phantasy football blog, where boys are thought of as not much more than fourth grade nothings....]

2006-09-27T14:23:00.000-04:00

How do You Solve A Problem Like T.O?

so now, it's NOT a suicide attempt. how silly of his fans to worry so, especially after a 911 call and hospital visit. (http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/news/story?id=2604395)

his dallas cowboys coach, bill parcells, is obviously unthrilled, and walked out early during a press conference where he was primarily grilled over the t.o. situation.

la commish invites comments and phreader opinions, as she is not ready to pass judgement on this situation just yet, but gleefully awaits hearing from those who have.

-la commish, who like mary j. blige, must insist on "no more pain/no more games/no drama/no more drama in my life"

2006-09-27T11:55:00.000-04:00

Oh, T.O, Say it Isn't So!

this just in: la commish just received word of a T.O. SUICIDE ATTEMPT!!??

oh the catholic guilt!! t.o. must have somehow found out that la commish was planning on trading him today.

la commish wants to cry.... especially because this is the ONE day this fall that she must get work done at her job, instead of blogging all day and getting paid by the man.

keep checking back for late-breaking updates...

in the meantime, http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/0927061owens1.html

-la commish, who sometimes wants to kill her players for not producing but who would never actually want them to kill themselves

[thanks to !steve holt! assistant coach for keeping his head coach informed and staying on top of her. that is, things. staying on top of things.]

2006-09-27T01:58:00.000-04:00

Fumbling Towards Ecstasy:
Lessons in Love and Football

Words that Begin with the Letter C

while unpacking this weekend, la commish came across one of her all-time favorite quotes, culled from the innocent tarriances with literature of her youth:

"in the heart of a woman for whom no place is home, the thought of an end to all flight is unbearable." (milan kundera, the unbearable lightness of being)

time and experience have shown la commish that, alas, there are other, equally unbearable things to despise in this world. (for example, evil #12.) but there is one thing that la commish has grown to despise above most things. so much so, that she can barely even say the word. utter it in her presence and watch her cringe as if nails were being dragged down a chalkboard. those close to la commish recognize that the mere mention of this word acts as her personal kryptonite. unable to even type it, la commish offers it instead in football terms by way of sesame street:

COLTS + HUDDLE = YUCK

of late, however, yours truly has succumbed to peer pressure and engaged in some of this above-mentioned behavior. which she grudgingly admits, is not as deviant as she has always believed it be. the fact that she did not explode and/or die from participating in the activity in question stands as a testament to its occasional non-yuckiness. which got la commish thinking... if her personal kryptonite turned out to be kinda cool, what other things anathema to her universe might not be so bad?

la commish decided to once and for all delve into the imponderable mysteries of the x's and o's.[official note from leagueofourown: always use protection when pondering the x's and o's.] so she bought herself a book which explained the rules to football, flipped through it and got a little scared, consequently calling upon a close friend and football expert (today's guest analyst whose name coincidentally begins with the letter 'c') who had this to say:

"The difference between the offense and the defense is simple. The offense is responsible for producing point for the team, and the defense is responsible for stopping the other team from scoring.
-

The most important position on the offense is the quarterback. He is the field coach. The running back and wide receiver come next in importance. The running game, if effective, makes it easier for the quarterback to pass the ball to receivers. The tight end and full back play more of a blocking role on most plays to help make the running game more successful. Good full backs and tight ends are hard to come by. The tight end can also catch pass when not blocking. The full back can run the ball or catch passes in short yardage situations. Last but not least, without the offensive line to protect the quarterback and block on run and pass plays, there would be no offense at all.

The most important position on the defense is the middle linebacker, he's the defensive coach on the field and also calls plays from the field in hurry-up situations. There are three linebackers on most normal defensive sets, though of course there are exceptions. The key to a successful defense in the NFL is the ability to stop the run of the opposing offense. Stopping the run forces the other team to rely on the passing game; this makes an offense 1-dimensional and easier to defend. also, good defensive backs or corner backs are needed to cover tall speedy wide receivers. These guys are responsible for stopping the offense from passing the ball. Normally there are 2 of these guys to defensive set. This is the rarest position in football. It's hard to find people that have world-class speed, at least 6ft. tall and can cause interceptions when thrown their way. There are only a hand full of great Defensive backs in the NFL, and most defensive backs are under 6ft. tall. The safety position is the last line of defense if the defensive back or linebacker cannot stop any given play. There are 2 types, free safety and strong safety. The free safety tends to watch out for helping cover wide receivers in double team or deep pass situations. The strong safety tends to keep his eye on the running back if the linebackers need additional help bringing down a speedy-strong running back. Finally, the defensive lineman are responsible for putting pressure on the quarterback and stopping the run, very tough job for very tough men.

Overall, without the offensive and defensive linemen the is no football to be played. These are truly the most important aspects of the game. These guys are often overlooked. they normally do not score any points nor do they win awards that are talked about outside of football. These people are the coach's favorite, even though they have a reputation for not being paid millions."

-
so that's it. one of the universe's little mysteries unraveled. now you know what thoughts will be running through la commish's head if you're ever a man lucky enough to colts huddle with her. hopefully, she won't slip up and call you peyton.... *

*unless you happen to in fact BE peyton, in which case she will call you big daddy.

2006-09-26T14:14:00.000-04:00

-mono.league- standings
...the tops and bottoms as we head into week 3 of play....

i [heart] derek jeter continues to dominate, proving that nice girls CAN finish first.

last tackle in paris moves into 2nd place. looks like she's in possession of the 3 b's this week: beauty, brains, and beginner's luck.

devil wears jerseys stays strong in 3rd place, but she'll need more than good fashion sense to take the lead.

sporty spice commands a respectable 4th place this week, although la commish must wonder, is egghead secretly keeping her from jumping ahead? maybe there's room for only one phantasy football winner in that relationship...

!steve holt! comes from behind in phantasy football rankings this week (though she doesn't mind coming from the front either) and goes up in score to 5th place. funny, she normally enjoys going down...

the maniacal bulldogs slip a spot to 6th, behind big sister. recalling the old days of high school tennis, eh maniacal bulldogs?

liz's ligers plummet to a surprising 7th place this week. remember liz & co: phantasy football first, phamily second...

and finally in last place, the cockblockers: la commish fears their head coach might be dead. it's the only excuse she can think of for this kind of performance.

play on players,
-la commish

2006-09-26T14:00:00.000-04:00

If You're Not First, You're Last
...where la commish imagines herself as the coach of other, lesser, teams....

[this week's trash talk is provided by the assistant coach of !steve holt! a man who is ravaging her -mono.league- opponents while pillaging la commish...]

"You know that greek story about the guy who gets all of his strength from his hair, and one day cuts it off? I think Rothlesbergerer has that with his appendix."

looks like the bench of the maniacal bulldogs is gonna be kept pretty warm by her (formerly) starting quarterback...

2006-09-26T13:34:00.000-04:00

Fumbling Towards Ecstasy:
Lessons in Love and Football

from today's ny daily news:

"Jets are one of five teams yet to score a point in the first quarter. the others: the broncos, bucs, titans, and raiders."

la commish salutes the boys who take their time and don't blow their load too soon. there's nothing better than a man with stamina, staying power and finesse.

just so long as they peform in the 2nd half: then everyone scores!

2006-09-23T13:34:00.000-04:00

Dear La Commish,
....in which la commish (who knows more about playing games than most NFL-ers) digs deep into her pigskin-lined heart and advises the lovelorn....

I recently went on a blind date and he did not know about football - is this a warning sign?

sighing in yiddish,

jdater hater

Dear jdater hater:

a warning sign is when you see clouds and consider donning a rainjacket for the football game that afternoon. or when you notice that your bottle of wine is almost empty and it's only the first quarter, so you put another one to chill in the fridge.

a man who doesn't know about football is something else altogether. that's not a sign - that's a walking example of a man with no *.

there are two things which straight men, no matter how metrosexual, cultured, or respectful they may seem, have an opinion about:

1) football
2) girl-on-girl action

any man who says he's not interested in these 2 things is either lying or he's lying about being straight.

run, don't walk! away from this pansy and find yourself instead a nice boy who will buy you flowers and leave you husky phantasy football updates on your voicemail. now that's romance....

* footballs

2006-09-23T00:17:00.000-04:00

Football is All Around Us:
The Meadowlands

“oh devils! oh, god forsaken! oh, darkness, stench, and flame!”
“oh, get out with it, said freddy, “if i’m going to go there, i should know where it is, shouldn’t i? what is it called?”
“it is called, your royal highness, new jersey.”
“i’ve flown over that,” the queen said. “i didn’t know there were people in it. it looked like it was on fire.”
“new jersey is but a tile in a land so vast that, as far as anyone knows, it has no name.”
“yes, it does, you idiot,” feddy told him. “it’s called the united states of america.”
“it is this, then, that you must conquer.” *

but conquer we did not. evil # 12, along with his hater coach bill belichick, played us like we were a commodore 64, resulting in a new york loss to the hatriots last sunday, 24-17.

jets vs. hatriots

sunday, 17th september 2006

the first quarter:

a quick stop at a rest area on the way to game. that's the vince lombardi rest area, football fans, because la commish is all about making football the priority.

the second quarter:

The sporty trinity:
nfl, women and la commish, tickets in hand

half time:

a poorly planned snack break (which is also an apt analogy for the jets offense) meant we didn't get to our seats (on the 50 yard line!) until somewhere around halftime, when the score was 17-0.

note to football fans: games are not like parties, when you’re expected to arrive a bit tardy. Overheard: “I can’t tell if people are looking at us because we’re cute or because we’re late.”

la commish was dismayed to find that the jets DO NOT have a marching band to perform a half time show. harumph. apparently, the powers that be at giants stadium do not know how to appreciate the finer things in life. (like uplifting music at sporting events. or incidentally, winning.)

the third quarter:

in which the jets scored their first touchdown and the game became a bit touch and go. for a second. and then it went go. as in go home now to beat the traffic, the jets are going to lose.

la commish, along with the head coach of the maniacal bulldogs, who thanks to liquid courage never gave up believing in their hometown boys. damn that liquid courage!

the fourth quarter:

la commish will say this about tom brady: if he's as good at playing games in the sack as he is on the field, then bridget is a lucky girl who probably gets tied up a lot. after a good run in the third quarter when it looked as if the jets could catch up, evil #12 showed us his manhood and eventually ran out the clock.

note to football fans: ‘running out the clock’ is the football equivalent of rilly, rilly bad foreplay! there's players on the field but absolutely no action! everyone waits around, praying for the whole debacle to be over soon.

la commish, who handles bad sex and running down the clock in the same manner - by sleeping through most of it....

a look ahead at the phantasy football season:

the puerto rican belichick & mangini.

*exerpt from the novel Freddy and Fredericka by Mark Helprin

for an article about this game which is accurate enough (though la commish feels that it lacks the spirit found in her recounting), visit: http://sports.yahoo.com/nfl/recap?gid=20060917020

2006-09-18T19:31:00.000-04:00

From the Desk of La Commish...

---------------
dear terrorists:

if you happen to be in the vicinity of the east coast, i have conveniently marked your next target, evil #12. or in your parlance, INFIDEL #12.

sincerely,
-la commish
-------------
dear santa:

it's almost that time of year again! as you can see from the enclosed picture, i have clearly marked for you someone who has been naughty this year, and therefore deserving only of coal in his stocking. thank you in advance for your kind consideration.

-la commish, who has been very, very good this year!

p.s. i eagerly await the arrival under my tree of my eli manning action figure and mr. peyton-head doll.
------------------------------
dear TLC television network:

i would like to nominate someone for your hit tv series, "what not to wear." i have circled him above. he is badly in need of a wardrobe makeover, as he wears the EXACT SAME THING every sunday, an ugly jersey with the #12.

by the way, yours is the reality television show where they kill the contestants at the end right?

kind regards,
a fan of your show
----------------------------------------------
dear residents of crown heights, brooklyn:

you don't know me very well yet, but i have recently moved to your neighborhood. some of you might call it encroaching on your territory and see me as a harbinger of the gentrification that will surely follow, leaving a wake of devastation for the lower income brackets in my path.

in anticipation of your suspicion towards me and the likely attacks which you will surely attempt on my person, i offer instead someone much more worthy of your wrath. please do consider attacking him, instead of me, if ever the urge should strike you.

feel free to come over and borrow sugar or eggs anytime.

-la commish, (unoffensively and with all due respect) representing crown heights!!

2006-09-18T18:57:00.000-04:00

Mail Bag Mondays

la commish has an announcement: after attending her first football game, her love for the game has grown leaps and bounds. so she would like to state that she no longer prefers sailing, tennis, and european soccer to football. she only prefers european soccer. and quidditch.

which means that it's time to take this blog to the next level. with your help, la commish would like, by the end of this season, to schedule an interview with an honest-to-goodness nfl-affiliated footballer. or coach. or waterboy. whatever.

so this week's mail bag question is:

what questions would you like to see asked of a footballer by leagueofourown? *

something about the mysterious x's and o's? are they toppies? scared of monsters? do you want my phone #?

best response receives a shout-out on the blog,

in addition to a nifty I LOVE NY football keychain.

* contest is open to any person participating in any fantasy football league, in addition to assistant coaches and cheerleaders. never-nudes ARE eligible to enter this week, on the condition that they also submit an accompanying full-frontal nude shot. of themselves.

2006-09-17T23:41:00.000-04:00

If You're Not First, You're Last
...where la commish imagines herself as the coach of other, lesser, teams....

columbus. magellan. cortez. la commish.
like these european conquistadors who came before her, la commish also likes to explore far-off, exotic & dangerously ungentrified locales and conquer them in the name of football and low monthly rents. the travels of la commish currently find her in a new apartment in crown heights, brooklyn. a neighborhood which she is certain will be the future home of the revolution and/or fundamentalist christianity's much anticipated end of days.

la commish, who growing up always pictured brooklyn to be a lot like sesame street (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sesame_Street%2C_New_York%2C_New_York) is slowly reconciling herself to the fact that if you walk one block south of sesame & pacific, then hit a left when you get to carroll, you are officially in the ghetto where she now lives. no matter... la commish has learned to quickly duck at the first sound of a clicking revolver and has been quite busy unpacking, decorating, and choosing appropriate footwear ("if i wear heels, then i can kick any would-be attackers, but if wear sneakers, then i can run away rilly fast...")

one of the great things about unpacking is rediscovering old songs from cd's and tapes that had been hiding in storage. la commish has been happily bopping to her two theme songs of yore:

“nobody does it better” by nate dogg & warren g (it's true - just ask one of her many discarded lovers)
“return of the mack” by mark morrison (the term ‘mack’ was originally meant to be ‘lyd’ but la commish declined the honor since her name is in fact synonymous with this now outdated expression for free agent)

incidentally, feel free to play either song at her funeral if footwear proves to be no match for neighbours’ guns.

la commish also came across another old favorite, one that would be the perfect theme song for the head coach of the cockblockers. here are some of the lyrics:

Cause I'm a train wreck Waiting to happen
Waiting for someone to come pick me up off the tracks
A wild fire born of frustration....

....like the frustration of being in last place? la commish is glad that the ice that runs through her veins keeps her from feeling the emotions of mere mortals like shame, embarrassment, regret and inadequacy. she hopes that the head coach for the cockblockers doesn't feel these things either. although that must be hard, considering that these are the adjectives that naturally come to mind when considering this team. we can only hope that the consecutive failures which will surely mark the cockblocker's upcoming weeks of -mono.league- play will not cause their head coach to to do something foolish as a way to lash out a cruel, unfriendly world...http://www.geocities.com/be_alternative/big_bird.html

-la commish, who is currently at work on a sexy mix tape for peyton, when not busy practicing safety drills in anticipation of the of the imminent race war that will surely spring forth from her new nabe

2006-09-15T19:08:00.000-04:00

-mono.league- standings
...the tops and bottoms as we head into week 2 of play....

1) i [heart] derek jeter!
2) sporty spice
3) liz's ligers
4) maniacal bulldogs
5) last tackle in paris
6) devil wears jerseys
7)!steve holt!
8) the cockblockers

2006-09-15T12:15:00.000-04:00

The Score

la commish: 3 touchdowns

the opposing team: never stood a chance against my offensive strike

-la commish, who is a tad too smiley this morning to rilly be talking about football

2006-09-14T17:08:00.000-04:00

No Pain, No Gain

la commish, in a fit of masochism and necessity, hit the waxing salon AND her woman’s doctor all in the course of one week. painful? yes. humiliating? more so. (but essential if a girl wants to keep her * maintained...)

kind of like the super-intense training camp that eric mangini ran for his new york jets earlier this summer. painful and humiliating. sure. (but probably nothing compared to the travails of woman kind.) necessary? definitely. why? b/c this weekend, coach mangini is battling his former mentor, @ the meadowlands. eric mangini, 1st year head coach for the new york jets, worked for years under new england hatriots coach bill belichick. this sunday’s much-hyped game (at which la commish will be in attendance doing her new “I hate the hatriots” dance!) promises to be as exciting as last week’s manning bowl. (or as la commish likes to think, what holidays with the in-laws will be called…)

last week, young giant eli, the upstart, wasn’t necessarily expected to produce a win. it’s early in the season, he’s young…the pressure was on peytie pie. but this sunday, mangini (whose jets won their first game last week) must prove that he’s got what it takes to come out from under the coaching legend that is belichick. the world of football is watching. fingers crossed that mangini and his boys do a little maintaining of their own, otherwise his as* is grass.

-la commish

*astro-turf

2006-09-12T13:09:00.000-04:00

Dear Sports Illustrated: *

la commish has been been reading SI like it's the latest harry potter installment. last week's issue contained an article entitled "table types," an uber-masculine guide to recognizing the different personalities that tend to populate your average fantasy football league. well, the vagina -mono.league- is NOT your garden-variety league. don't come looking for testerone-filled bashings of each other's manhoods here. instead watch out for the following players...

the holly go-lightly
probably didn't know much about football until now, other than it distracted the men in her life from giving her their full attention. but now that she's been bitten by the football bug, she's in in to win it, even it causes embarrassment now and then on account of her all-too-frequent football faux pas. these don't rilly bother her much, because she knows that they know that she's still cute, and while everyone is busy laughing at her antics, she's busy boning up on football stats and sizing up her competition. if she can keep up the initial intensity, she'll be a trash-talking football machine come play-off time, but since she not-so-secretly got into this as a way to meet boys, watch for her to fumble now and then when she's too busy playing the field to keep tabs of her boys ON the field.
celebrity doppelganger: jessica simpson

the girlfriend of the overprepared egghead
when the girl with the biggest shoe collection in the league all of a sudden starts spouting off statistics and giggling her way through trash talk, you know something is fishy. two wrongs don't make a right when you start receiving phantasy football-related hate mail from her boyfriend. she'll be a contender if she trusts her own insticts and the gods of football smile her way.
celebrity doppelganger: katie holmes

the ugly one
for every pretty girl, there's always an ugly friend. in her case, the draft is like valentine's day: while everyone else is ooh-ing and ahh-ing about their great picks, she'll stay silent instead of admitting that she got a kicker in the second round. but ugly ducklings often turn into swans, so with a little luck and a lot of improvement, she may break away from the shadow of other, sexier teams and score in the end, like the heroine of every teen movie ever made.
celebrity doppelganger: nicole ritchie

the ex-cheerleader
actually knows the rules to the game, and probably has lots of jealousy-inducing anecdotes that include many a big ten keg party. tends to smile benevolently at other, lesser beings who spent their formative years in the marching band. has the knowledge and connections to assemble a winning team, but her personal trained-butt will still get called fat by others who used to fantasize about kicking her ass with their clarinets.
celebrity doppelganger: angelina jolie

the new mom
the new mom finds herself in a position of power. unlike the new dad, for whom fantasy football may be viewed as childish and sophomoric, the new mom is ripe for the intellectual challenge that is preparing a winning phatasy football league team. plus she has tons of time to strategize during the 3 am breast-feeds. if she can keep her priorities straight (football first, family second) the newly acquired killer mama instinct may squelch the opposition and prove that mother knows best.
celebrity doppelganger: michelle williams

* this post is written ENTIRELY as a response to the SI article. any similarities to vagina -mono.league- phfreaders (phantasy football readers) is purely coincidental.

2006-09-11T01:30:00.000-04:00

News from on High
...when la commish takes time away from making out like a bandit* to provide -mono.league-ers with valuable football information gleaned from the prevous week...

first, a man who takes it in the behind:

“A week earlier Porter had been shot through the left buttock while fleeing random gunfire outside a Denver sports bar, and he was in a fragile state of mind. The shooting spree, which killed one man, nearly deprived Porter of his manhood; he's convinced the bullet, which lodged in his right thigh, would have hit him in the most sensitive of regions had he not assumed a ‘sprinter’s’ stride while fleeing.” (exerpt from a 4 september SI article on pittsburgh steeler linebacker joey porter)

la commish salutes any man who can compare running away like a pansy with the nobility of a sprinter's stride. she also giggles and plans to use the word “manhood” as many times as she can this week.

next, a quarterback who will take it any way la commish wishes to give it:

ah, the manning bowl. overhyped? perhaps. worth it? definitely! la commish sat back with a red stripe and watched as the brothers put their manhoods on the line for their respective teams. outcome: pey-baby has a bigger manhood, as the colts beat the giants on sunday night 26 to 21. the satisfaction of having 2 brothers at once was unparalled in la commish's sports-viewing experience... side note: did anyone notice how grim the manning clan looked througout the game up in their box seats? when la commish is invited to view games with the fam, watch for her to liven things up a bit. she'll be recognized on camera as the one sipping on margaritas while giving her mother-in-law (olivia manning) bunny ears...

and finally, a girl who takes it in style:

“In contrast to Henin-Hardenne, in more traditional tennis attire topped by a white ballcap, Sharapova wore her night-match outfit, similar to a black cocktail dress, accessorized with silver shoes and dangling earrings. Sharapova says the look is inspired by “Breakfast at Tiffany's,” but the guess here is Audrey Hepburn never had a sponsor's swoosh on her outfit.” (espn.com on maria sharapova, winner of the u.s. women's open earlier this weekend here in the sports capital of the world, nyc.)

i know this last bit is a completely-unrelated-to-football digression, but this chick seems cool. almost cool enough to play in our -mono.league....

-la commish, who would have a hell of a time deciding which manning brother to vote off the island

*she's not just referring to phantasy football.

2006-09-09T19:37:00.000-04:00

If You're Not First, You're Last
...where la commish imagines herself as the coach of other, lesser, teams....

why la commish harbors no jealousy towards the coach of ‘Last Tackle in Paris’ :

la commish opened a bottle of red wine at work today for a customer. when she pulled the corkscrew, the cork exploded out of the bottle, much more quickly than she had anticipated. you see, the cork was quite small in girth. la commish, who fancies herself to be quite the wine connoisseur, knows a thing or two about cork size and recognized that this particular cork was puny and quite probably ineffective compared to other, more masculine corks. la commish felt sorry for the cork and was thankful she didn't have to partake that particular wine.

speaking of small.... la commish remembers reading somewhere that qb matt hasselbeck was overheard in the locker room spouting something about the importance of the motion of the ocean, right after he LOST the superbowl last year.

a superbowl ring is a big dream for such a little man, 'last tackle in paris.' alas, he's no brando, but i hear he's got a great personality....

-la commish, who has a quarterback with big feet

2006-09-09T12:45:00.000-04:00

Football is All Around Us:
(The second in a series)

la commish recently purchased her first football jersey.* she almost went with a colts blue pey-baby # 18 in a boys xl, but instead decided upon a sexy steelers roethlisberger, on account that it hugs her curves nicely, not to mention you can never go wrong with basic black (and gold).

this foray into foot locker fashion got la commish thinking. in her ongoing efforts to make sense of the x's and o's, she often tries to put football into a context she more readily understands, usually booze. (example: if pey-pey were a beer, he would be a budweiser, the king of beers. eli would be a bud light.) so in celebration of the sporty cuteness that is the -mono.league-...

in season: if football were fashion

peyton manning, colts quarterback:
the look. the feel. the fabric of my life.

the pittsburgh steelers: (who are so very audrey this year...)
the skinny black pants. always a timeless classic. especially hot this season, thanks to a superbowl win last year and the re-emergence of 80's rock chic androgyny a la peter doherty/kate moss

the new england hatriots:
kathy ireland for kmart. maybe this look works out in the sticks, but there's NO place for polyester play in nyc.

herm edwards, head coach for the kansas city chiefs:
you dress to win the game.

terrell owens, dallas cowboys winged right:
he's like stilettos. they're a bitch to wear, but they get the job done.

drew brees, quarterback for the new orleans saints:
(not to mention the phantasy football qb for the maniacal bulldogs)
frilly underwear. on account that he plays like a girl.

-la commish, who prefers tastes great to less filling

* disclosure: la commish was once given a white peyton jersey by a hatriots fan, which just goes to show, if a colts fan and a hatriots lover can co-exist in harmony, then there's hope for lesser rivalries, like peace in the middle east.

2006-09-07T17:10:00.000-04:00

What a Girl Wants

be jealous, bitches! la commish's boss just handed her (wait for it)

2 TICKETS TO THE JETS/PATRIOTS GAME ON THE 17TH!

what am i going to wear?

-la commish, who is currently doing the dance of joy

2006-09-07T16:50:00.000-04:00

P.S.

remember the contest i posted on mailbag monday? the one with a mystery prize?

you should've entered.

that would've been the easy way to score my 2nd ticket. now those vying for the seat will have to put out. and not just a little. you're gonna have to HOLD ME, MOTHERFUCKERS!

-la commish, who would normally rather roll over and fall asleep

2006-09-06T18:50:00.000-04:00

Life of Blog

leagueofourown will soon have playdates with...
http://www.sportsgoons.com/Archives/flagrant_fouls/football/tom_brady_poll.htm

when they're a bit older, they'll play little league and have sleepovers (not to mention make fun of the HATRIOTS!) with...
http://i-hate-the-new-england-patriots.blogspot.com

and of course, in every blog's life, there comes that special time when they meet another blog to share the rest of their lives with. this would be...
http://www.celebmatch.com/birthdayform_6622_Peyton_Manning.php

-la commish, who, in celebration of this blog, is registered at manolo blahnik

2006-09-06T18:34:00.000-04:00

Blogger, Shot Caller

la commish is fairly new to the blogosphere and all of its accompanying social mores. hence, the following...

setting: snooty intellectual conversation

snoot #1: (turning to la commish) are you a blogger?
la commish: (misunderstanding) hell's yeah i'm a baller! living the life!
snoot #2: huh?
la commish: pimpin' ain't easy, but someone's gotta do it!
snoot #1: what type is it?
la commish: baby, they're all my type! mothers, lock up your sons!
snoot #1: i meant, what kind of blog is it?
la commish: (mental doh! we're talking about blogging??!!) umm, it's about football....

la commish is kinda short to begin with, so feeling 3 feet tall isn't too much of a stretch.

to cirmumvent* similar social catastrophes, la commish spent her morning ignoring customers and surfing the web to learn more about the local customs of the blogosphere. she came across the following on one of her daily hits, written by a fellow nyc blogger:

"i love when bloggers meet each other, hook up, and then wrestle with whether or not they can blog about it." -larry from thisiswhatwedonow.com

la commish, who does not kiss and blog (if she did, she'd have a lot of explaining to do about who she did this weekend) is tickled to find an entirely new dating subculture to shave her legs for.

mothers, lock up your bloggers....
-la commish

* note to my never-nude readership: cirmumvent means to go around. as in 'the old reach around'.

2006-09-05T17:00:00.000-04:00

Baller of the Week

this week's kudos go out to the head coach of liz's ligers. anyone who can push out a 3 football-sized little boy out of her vagina (-mono.league-) all the while keeping up the trash-talk is certainly worthy of our respect.

a special mention goes out to assistant-coach-about-town [CENSORED CUTIE] for the ingenious coaching idea of explaining the x's and o's rigamarole by drawing them on a woman's stomach in chocolate syrup and then eating the plays.

2006-09-05T14:49:00.000-04:00

Mail Bag Monday (Revised)

IN 50 WORDS OR LESS, DESCRIBE WHY

YOUR FANTASY FOOTBALL TEAM WILL WIN THIS YEAR. *

winner will receive a nifty I LOVE NY football keychain in addition to another mystery prize.

prizes can be submitted to: queenlyd@hotmail.com

* contest is open to any person participating in any fantasy football league, in addition to assistant coaches and cheerleaders. never-nudes are not eligible to enter.

2006-09-05T13:56:00.000-04:00

Football News from on High

...when la commish takes time out from f***-ing* to provide -mono.league-ers with valuable football information gleaned from the previous week....

nothing happened this week in football, as the season doesn't start until this coming thursday and frankly, not much matters until la commish starts racking up the points during regular season play.

well not much happened, except that is for the fact that pittsburgh steelers ben roethlisberger was in the ER (again) this time on account of an emergency appendectomy. sucks for ben. sucks even more for the maniacal bulldogs, whose team he is qb'ing. get well soon, ben! sulk in loser-dom, maniacal bulldogs....

as this coming week marks the official beginning of play, watch for thursday night's opening game of gryffindor versus ravenclaw. gryffindor has a strong team of returning wizards.... o wait. [*sigh.*] la commish once again mourns the fact that there is not more magic in this world. la commish's opponents mourn this fact even more, as magic is the only thing that will help them to beat her.

-la commish, who predicts that snape, neville & luna will bite it in harry potter 7

* f stands for footballing!

2006-09-02T16:58:00.000-04:00

Overheard at the Water Cooler

-peyton manning will give you a triple orgasm just by kissing you! one time, a girl touched his football and her head exploded! be careful- peyton has a special "move," but if you don't do it exactly as he commands, your legs will break like a pretzel.

-tom brady is a never-nude.

-eli manning still wets the bed.

-in greek mythology, ligers are synonymous with losing championship games. that is why no known professional sports team has a liger as a mascot.

-laveranues coles is a gentleman on the street but a freak in the bed.

-brett favre only dates puerto rican chicks.*

*this rumour may have been propogated by la commish.

2006-09-02T16:03:00.000-04:00

If You're Not First, You're Last

...where la commish imagines herself as the coach of other, lesser, teams....

If la commish were the coach of I HEART DEREK JETER*:

she would go to a bar looking tawdry and bedraggled (the loser-ista look of choice), get sloshed on white zinfandel, sleep with someone much uglier than herself in order to gain the validation she lacks in the -mono.league- on account that her team's suckiness extends to infinity and beyond, then cry herself to sleep.

luckily, la commish has a fabulous team spearheaded by peyton manning so she sleeps soundly, content in the knowledge that pey-baby is so tough, he's the only known human being who could withstand a nuclear attack.

*this is purely a hypothetical exercise, for la commish would've killed herself the instant she found herself helming the shinking ship that is the team I HEART DEREK JETER.

2006-09-01T12:52:00.000-04:00

Christmas in September!

la commish woke up this morning to a draft fulfilled! she feels like a kid at christmas! (oh. i guess none of the jews playing know what that feels like...)

highlights:
la commish (aka !steve holt!): peyton manning & terrell owens - i got my 2 faves! other than that, i have a LOT of research to do...

last tackle in paris: qb is seattle seahawks matt hasselbeck. he took his team to the superbowl last year so he's quality.

sporty spice: qb tom brady. she is now my mortal enemy.

devil wears jerseys: her qb is eli manning. which makes la commish 2 degrees of seperation away from the manning clan!

maniacal bulldogs: qb is drew breeze of the new orleans saints (the purdue connection.) ben roethlisbergher (steelers connection) is her bn. what's a bn?

i heart derek jeter: no one i've ever heard of. wish i could say i'd had a hand at giving you a sucky team, but the automatic draft took care of everything. justice has a way of being meted out...

the cockblockers: hmm....i've heard of a lot of the players, so they must be good. i'm keeping my eye on this team...

liz's ligers: hmmm... drew bledsoe is her qb. looks like a solid line-up... remember there is no mercy in fantasy football, even for those who've recently given birth.

ladies, let the games begin!

-la commish

2006-08-31T19:48:00.000-04:00

Code Green: Low Terror Alert

la commish is relieved to report that the earlier crisis regarding never-nude infiltrators has been averted. after a tension-filled stand-off, la commish stood victorious over her unharmed league.

but be mindful of who lurks about your vagina (-mono.league).

...i doubt this is the last we've heard of the never-nudes...

2006-08-31T13:28:00.000-04:00

What the F?*

this fantasy football blog has seen enough drama in the last 24 hours to qualify as a lifetime for women movie!

la commish is unthrilled (yet secretly hopes to be played by the beautiful justine bateman).

someone has entered her vagina (-mono.league-) unannounced!
on the eve of our draft, someone new signed on to play. we now find ourselves with an uneven number of coaches, which means that draft must be postponed.

while la commish knows all about postponing (like that time she didn't feel like going on a date with that cute musician so she told him that she couldn't leave her puppy alone in thunder & lightning. "but it's not raining in manhattan," he said. her response: "it is in brooklyn." thank god for the boroughs.) she is rage-filled at this turn of events.

mysterious player, make yourself known! before i am forced to come at you like a spider monkey!

-la commish ,
who's movie of the week would be titled not without my football: the lydia manning story

*f stands for FOOTBALL!

2006-08-30T19:11:00.000-04:00

Angels in the Football Field:
The Blooper Reels

the dreaded x's and o's strike again:

la commish: "what does WR stand for? is that a position? let's see, W.R. hmmm.... winged right?"

a common mistake i'm sure. we're all human right?

(well, all of us except for patriots quarterback tom brady, whom god kisses on the forehead every morning before tom wakes up)

2006-08-28T16:48:00.000-04:00

Mail Bag Monday

As anticipated, the –mono.league- has been inundated with fan mail. la commish is too busy mentally preparing herself for the upcoming season (read: lying on the futon watching rudy during sex and the city commercial breaks) so she obviously does not have time to answer each request for a date or autograph personally. though she thanks her legions of admirers and assures them that they are in her thoughts.

"Lydia - The Colts had an amazing season and unfortunately lost in the Playoffs to the future XL SuperBowl Champions. You might want to rethink 'I hope they don't suck this year.' A more appropriate quote would be, 'I hope Peyton doesn't choke this year.'"

response~
lydia, while a beautiful name for an even more beautiful girl, is not here. la commish, however, would like to point out that a quarterback does not a team make. It takes an entire village of suckiness to lose a ball game.

That being said, la commish still partly blames herself for the colts loss that grim sunday last january, for while she should have been sending x-ray beams of hope from her heart to the gods of colts football, she was instead sucking down bloody mary’s in disbelief that she had chosen to spend that particular Sunday in the company of her ex who she now (kindly she might add) refers to as “blink and you’ll miss it.”

2006-08-28T14:42:00.000-04:00

Saving the Best for Last

ladies~

the draft has begun! eligible participants should have received an e-mail this morning from yahoo with instructions on joining the -mono.league.-

with only 1 week left before the season commences, please act quickly to secure your spots and team name. as always, any questions can be directed to your trusty commish.

don't make me hunt you down.

-la commish, who always wins when she plays with herself

2006-08-28T00:06:00.000-04:00

Football News from on High

...when la commish takes time out from her busy sunday night text-flirting schedule to provide -mono.league-ers with valuable football information gleaned from the previous week....

THE PRE-SEASON WORD ON THE STREET~

-on t.o. - terrell owens (accent on the first 'terr' not the last 'ell') is a wide receiver. his middle name is eldorado. (ouch) last year, he controversially played for the philadelphia eagles and managed to alienate an entire nation with his antics. your commish salutes his flair and ayn rand-ian dedication to the self. not unlike her experiences having to defend many controversial ex-boyfriends, la commish stands by her man even in the face of ridicule and scorn from other football afficionados. speculation abounds about how he is getting along with his new coach, the legendary bill parcells. something tells me that he's not getting along with him at all, but as long as t.o. proves himself on the field and helps the cowboys to the superbowl, who cares?

-on the #1 draft pick - that was reggie bush, a heisman trophy winner who now plays for the new orleans saints. the first team to pick was the houston texans, but they actually chose mario williams, i'm guessing because he's a defensive player and that's what the texans are looking for. (by “guessing” i mean that i may have read that somewhere but cannot say with certainty.) good luck to mario, who has a tremendous amount of pressure on his back. on that big sexy back with those wide, broad muscular shoulders...

-in new york news - same ol', same ol'....
who's the better coach, giants mangini or jets coughlin?
mangini has coached with the 2 bill's (cowboys parcells and patriots bill belichick) but this is his first head coach gig so we've yet to see if he's got the team on his side. he's run an ungodly tough football camp (i wonder if the guys tell each other ghost stories at night in their bunks?) so hopefully his team will be in top form for the upcoming season.

coughlin aslo has worked with both bills and he's got experience, but can he bring together a not-so-talented team and win a superbowl?

who's the better quarterback, the giants eli manning or jets chad pennington?
eli (hands off ladies, he's mine!) comes from a strong football lineage and is capable of leading a team to the superbowl. he's got tiki barber and michael strahan behind him, and those 2 rule the school. (err, locker room.) but eli's young and it's probably not yet his time.

chad pennington is coming back from a shoulder injury, which will probably inhibit the quality of his game.

-on inuries - speaking of the jets, running back curtis martin is injured. serious enough to retire?

-la commish, who can often be found on high

2006-08-27T20:49:00.000-04:00

The Second Coming

your commish just learned something extraordinary! as i'm sure all -mono.league- readers know, only ELEVEN DAYS until the commencement of the 2006-2007 nfl football season. but it's not the opening game (miami @ pittsburgh on thursday the 7th) that's got her all worked up. instead check out the 2nd day of scheduled play on sunday the 10th:

INDIANAPOLIS @ N.Y. GIANTS

brother vs. brother.
hottie vs. hotter.
la commish's past vs. her bright present and future.

[insert squeal of excitment here.]

my lips are sealed as to which brother i'm cheering for...

i've never been good at staying faithful to one man. and thanks to the nfl, i don't have to.

-la commish

2006-08-16T15:49:00.000-04:00

Help Wanted

having previously used the sports sections in newspapers to blot her lip gloss or to wrap fish, la commish was recently disgruntled to realize the following: east coast papers report exclusively on east coast teams. for this reason, the -mono.league- is in need of a midwest* and a west coast correspondent. interested applicants should send their football highlights to queenlyd@hotmail.com.

because knowing is half the battle...
-la commish

*indianapolis colts updates are especially valued. la commish sends silent dedications to them every morning in her yoga class in hopes that they don't suck again this year.

2006-08-15T13:26:00.000-04:00

Football is All Around Us:
(The first in a series)

never let it be said that your commish is not looking out for you (though she does plan to annihilate come superbowl time). i accidentally stumbled upon (quite literally, after 2 1/2 jack & gingers) a very important reason why girls should know football:

BOUNCERS AT BARS LIKE FOOTBALL.

say you're outside a bar enjoying the fine night with a friend and a cigarette. chances are, there is a big scary man perched on a stool staring at you. instead of shying away or making obsequious conversation, this is the perfect opportunity to try out your newfound knowledge of the greatest game in the world (after sailing, tennis & european soccer.)

la commish's top five tips on talking football with the bouncer:

5.) bouncers offer a great slice of new york life (barring the ones that make headlines for offing their patrons) so sticking with the local boys is a safe and healthy option.

the new york jets:
-colors are green & white
-head coach: eric mangini
-some key players:
chad pennington (quarterback) - currently competing with hopefuls patrick ramsey, brooks bollinger and the rookie kellen clemens, though pennington played qb in the jets first pre-season game
Laveranues coles (wide receiver) - pennington's go-to guy with the great smile
curtin martin (running back) - not just a solid ball player, but one of esquire magazine's 2004 best dressed whose paramours include toni braxton & michelle williams of destiny's child
jon vilma (linebacker)

-jets season outlook: a new first-time head coach and a quarterback coming back from having injured his rotator cuff. they'll probably suck...

the new york giants:
-colors are red, blue & gray
head coach: tom coughlin
-key players:
eli manning (quarterback) - i'll elaborate on eli later, as my fascination with the manning brothers knows no bounds
tiki barber (running back) - la commish & tiki, sitting in tree.....
michael strahan (defensive end)
lavar arrington (linebacker) - if you go out for drinks with him, let him pay. they just picked him up as a free agent for MILLIONS!

-giants season outlook: your guess is as good as mine.

both new york teams play out of the same stadium in the meadowlands. bet that's awkward.

4.) if a bouncer happens to sport a jersey, you can cut the preliminary chitchat and go straight to the player on his back. delicacy is in order, for "that peyton sure is a hottie" probably won't fly as well as "that peyton sure can throw the ball."

3.) if you don't know, don't pretend. but nodding (and seeming like you know) go a long way, especially if you're feeling particularly cute that night. asking questions is a good way to keep a conversation flowing:
-"did you catch the last [insert team here] game? how'd we do?"
-"what's the score? do you think [insert team here] will win? (applicable if there's a nearby big-screen showing the game)
-"what do the x's and o's stand for?"

2.) casually comment to your bouncer how they have the physique of a pro nfl-er and ask them if they play. what man wouldn't be flattered? (this must be the male equivalent of being mistaken for a model.) plus, what better way to figure out the different positions than from someone who's played them? that's the kind of first-hand knowledge you won't get from your typical i-banker at an upper west side bar (not to belittle all my gorgeous lovelies out there hitting the links).

1.) to borrow from one of Big Brother's more genius commercials: if you can't pronounce the name of tui alailefaleula (jets defensive tackle) you are too drunk. have the bouncer hail you a cab and get yourself home before you puke like a frat boy all over the nice man's shoes.

2006-08-14T18:26:00.000-04:00

Trash Talk

la commish would like to go on record as having a filthy mouth. the dirtier the word, the more it should be repeated (preferably into the ear of another good-looking & consenting adult.)

keeping that in mind, the following article caught my eye while i was surfing the web at work in an attempt to figure out what the x's and o's stand for.

mangold's sister following in his footsteps:
http://msn.foxsports.com/nfl/story/5836780?FSO1&ATT=HCP>1=8485

in this article about new york jets center nick mangold's football-playing sister holley, she says: "I have a lot of people come up to me and ask since I play football am I a feminist?" Holley said. "No, not at all. I don't think, 'I am woman hear me roar.' It was simply because football is one of the greatest sports there is and if I can keep doing it like my brother, that would be amazing."

your commish asks herself one more time--what's so offensive about the word feminist? isn't it as simple as: if you believe that women should be afforded the same rights as men (such as to play the high school sport of your choice if you're good enough to make the team), then you're a feminist? this country is so confused....

politics aside, kudos to holly. i wonder if she'd also like to play in the -mono.league-?....

2006-08-14T18:19:00.000-04:00

Team Meeting

the current roster:

la commish
marga s.
my s.
tracy k.
liz f. (and baby--but only if it's a girl)
nix
ann z.
ali k.

la commish is in contact with a handful of last-minute stragglers. this should be a big recruitment week so sit tight on final draft info. hopefully, word will get out that the winner at the end of the season will be toasting their victory with a bottle 1998 dom perignon....

ALSO:
housekeeping details-

home base: - the -mono.league- is currently in seach of a team headquarters, at an accomodating yet-to-be-named manhattan sports bar. i was told that espn sports zone at times square is the sutter home of sports bars (yuck), so please send any other suggestions to queenlyd@hotmail.com. i'm planning a couple of pre-season game-watching informational get-togethers, so keep reading for details.

cheerleader tryouts: what's football without the accompanying high-kicking cheerleaders? the -mono.league- is holding tryouts for all interested gentlemen. please send a quick e-mail with accompanying head shot/picture to queenlyd@hotmail.com

2006-08-12T12:03:00.000-04:00

Football, Sex, & My Christian Jesus

Discovering football, like getting a new boyfriend or converting to a new faith, requires much discussion and indoctrination. football is also similar to boys and religion in that it is something you most likely don't get autuomatically. you either have to sit by the phone willing them to call, have a near death experience, or watch a lot of Monday Night games. so this week, i opened my eyes and ears and waited for the universe to bring football to me. i didn't have to wait long.

monday night, as part of my of my ongoing scouting attempts to recruit top talent, i attended the outdoor movie at bryant park with a "prospective player." said date, having arrived earlier than me to secure a choice spot in the grass, informed me of his location "100 yards from the right side of the screen."

WHAT!!?? feet i understand (as in, the deep end of the pool is 12 feet deep). meters i get on point of principle (anything european is cool) plus i wasn't a 50-meter butterflier as a child for nothing. but yards.... and then it dawned on me why i've always been so bad with directions. boys think in terms of football fields! 100 yards=one football field. if the bar i'm looking for is 150 yards up across the street according to the nice shiny bouncer i accidentally stumble across downtown, he means that i need to toddle 1 & 1/2 football field lengths up and then cross!

so if boys measure distance in terms of the ball field, i wonder what else they use football to gauge...

-la commish aka "the best touchdown you'll ever have"

2006-08-12T11:34:00.000-04:00

You May Have Already Won...

ciao ladies (& interested gentlemen) ~

apologies for the lack of posts this week. your commish benched herself so that she could recover from the extensive pre-season activities of the last several days (yes, your commish is a baller...) have no fear--in the midst of 3am vodka shots, late-night diner-crawling, & the inevitable workday sickness brought on by such activities, i have continued to scour the papers, internet and football minds of friends so that i may better understand the game. so that we can all collectively benefit and enjoy the greatest sport on earth. (after sailing, tennis, and european soccer.)

your commish is quite excited at the moment. not just because she is currently in the midst of a buccaneers (florida) and jets (new york) exhibition game, but because she succumbed to the resistance-is-futile-you-will-be-assimilated-marketing ploys of nfl.com (henceforth to be referenced as Big Brother).

keep your fingers crossed--i may soon be the lucky winner of the "take an nfl player to school" sweepstakes! i'm sure the wine school i take courses at would be THRILLED to have an nfl-er sniff, taste, and swirl with us! (if i win, i hope i get tom brady!)

i had to check with my mom on account that my entering required parental consent, but she said it was ok. she expressed some concern that the age limit to enter was 12, but seemed satisfied when i explained that i could write that off as a simple inversion of my real age, which is 21.

-la commish
(girl most likely to store her love notes from peyton in an nfl trapper keeper)

2006-08-07T12:51:00.000-04:00

Tenets of Football*

due to extremely late night game-planning and strategizing ("oh, so that's what the kids are calling it these days") la commish is uncharacteriscally lackluster this afternoon. today's informative post is provided courtesy of consistently well-dressed and perennially urbane guest coach [CENSORED HEARTBREAKER TYPE] one of the -mono.league's- favorite [GALAXY FAR FAR AWAY] imports & drinking companions. he of ‘if-foreplay-was-football-he'd-win-the-heisman’ fame has the following basic football points to share:

(time)
a game of football is comprised of 4 quarters, each 15 minutes in length

(time-outs)
each team--there are 2--is allowed 3 time outs per half

(how the ball moves on the field)
a ball can be handed off to another player or passed or a player can run with the ball

(playa's) ...are divided into 2 groups, labeled the offense and the defense. more on specific positions later, as soon as la commish figures out exactly what all the x's and o's stand for....

(scoring)
the defense can score by tackling an opposing quarterback in his end zone, which is called a safety and which wins them 2 points and possession of the ball.

the offense can score by scoring a touchdown for 6 points or kicking a field goal for 3 points

--additionally, they can win extra points after scoring a touchdown by either trying to score an extra point (worth one point) or going for a two-point conversion (worth, obviously, two points).

1 point=
if a team tries for an extra point, they ball is placed on the 3 yard line and kicked like one would kick a field goal. if the ball goes through the uprights, the team is awarded a point.

two-point conversion=
if a team opts for a two-point conversion, the ball is again placed on the 3yd-line; however the ball is not kicked. rather the team tries to get the ball into the end zone by running or passing. if the team is successful, they're awarded two points.

*tenets are subject to change, additions and substitutions as needed.

2006-08-05T12:34:00.000-04:00

Team Meeting

welcome ladies (& interested gentlemen)~

girls are dumb. we fight for equality and choose our battles in the name of feminism yet overlook the last bastion of male-centricity--FOOTBALL!

enter -the vagina mono.league-....a girls-only fantasy football league headquartered in the capital of the world, new york city.

as your commissioner (henceforth la commish) i am here to welcome you. this blog will serve to accompany our mono.league play, which will be yahoo.com-based. here is what you can expect from league of our own blog in the months ahead:

*lots of organizational information (initially) as i recruit and prepare the competitors in this year's inaugural -mono.league-

*an internet-based training camp of sorts. i will sort through the headlines, newsmakers, and happenings (i.e. gossip) to give you concise & current information relevant to the 2006 football season

*the wise words of guest coaches (an elite team comprised primarily of my ex-boyfriends, current boyfriends and future boyfriends along with those of my sisters) who will talk us through strategy, plays, position and finally, scoring--not unlike your usual saturday nights of bar-hopping

*juicy gratuitous topless shots of blog favorite nfl'ers

so start putting together your dream teams and get ready to play ball. until the next team meeting,

play on, players...
-la commish